Thoughts of An Emma

The New Deal-io

2009-05-28T14:57:00.002-05:00

As many of you may have noticed from my frustrated status messages on Facebook, I have been converting my Blogger blog to a Wordpress blog. I have a variety of reasons for this, and most of them are boring, but it is giving me a chance to revamp, regroup, and restart.

You see, for those of you who haven't caught the word, I'm moving to Edinburgh this fall (no, I don't know exactly when yet) to start a masters/postgraduate/MSc programme at University of Edinburgh. This is a fairly big event and I want to make sure I have a blog where I can keep everyone updated with my adventures as I figure out how to live independently in Scotland. (While I've obviously 'lived' there for a long time, it has always been with my dad, so it will be an interesting experience to do independent living in a new country.)

Anyway, I'm having Katie help me with the graphics for the website (they will be kick-ass!) and I'm fiddling around a bit with the layout. I've actually done a lot of fiddling, but it doesn't really show, as most of it is in things you wouldn't notice unless you are slightly OCD like me. I'm hoping to get the graphics up soon, at which point I will officially open the new blog. Until then I will ensure cross-posting to the old Blogger blog as well. All the old Blogger posts have been imported, so don't worry, you can still go back and re-read all the shit I've written in the past seven years (Jesus). I'm slowly working through manually tagging many of the posts, though I probably won't go all the way back, as many of those are almost incoherent babble. One tag I am excited about is 'fave,' which I am using to tag my favorite posts.

Anyway, if you'd like a sneak peak, head over to http://s94696352.onlinehome.us/wordpress (yes, I will be buying a domain soon), but please keep in mind that it is still WAY under construction. If you have any input, tips, or suggestions on the design, let me know! Also, if you want to be on the blogroll, let me know, as I realised I've been bad at keeping up with people's blogs!

And with that, I bid thee Aideu.

*If you actually dare to go click on 'fave' right now, you will notice that, yes, some of these posts are very depressing/sad. However if I've tagged it as a fave it just means there is a feeling, expression, or wording there that I especially like - it doesn't mean necessarily agree with the post in the present.

Males of the Species!:

2009-05-27T20:18:00.003-05:00

Do you wish you knew exactly what it was that women wanted? Have you always thought it would be great it if you could know what females look for in guys?

Well, today is your lucky day! Why? Because I am a female (indeed!) and I am willing to share with you secrets from my mind!

1. Shave with a Straight Razor - Come on, it's just plain kick-ass. Who isn't impressed by someone dragging a knife edge across their face to accomplish something useful? Plus, you get to do awesome things like use a waterstone, shaving brushes, and a leather strop. Who doesn't like to relive a little history every morning? Additionally, the shave is supposed to be the closest you can get, and you'll apparently save money on razors in the long run (though you're going to have to be willing to put down $300 or so up front, sadly). Finally, as the dude in the video points out, if anyone attacks you while you are shaving, you can defend yourself! And we all know that's a big danger in this day and age....
Learn how to shave with a straight razor by watching this amusing video.

2. Get Yourself a Kilt! - Nothing is hotter than a guy in a kilt. Take my word on that. And somehow Utilikilts are even hotter than traditional kilts, maybe just because they blend into today's society a little less glaringly. Also, possibly because tartan has been somewhat adopted by the punk/gothic crowd. Anyway, my point is, you all need to get kilts. No matter who you are, a kilt automatically makes you hotter - it's a proven fact! And I'm a scientist - I know what I'm talking about.

So, there you have it. Women want two things: straight razors and kilts*. Simple, right? Now, go order your kilt.

* My scientific study of "What women want" was based upon the amazing opinions from a group of women of sample size one who will remain anonymous but are totally not writing this blog post right now. Promise. Also, I'm not responsible for your failure if this doesn't work out!

(This is a post I originally wrote a year ago, but I just unearthed it and it cracked me up (I often crack myself up), so I thought I'd share. Enjoy!)

Best Week Ever

2009-04-29T04:29:00.003-05:00

You know that stupid show that's on some channel called 'Best Week Ever'? Well it's all lies, because it's on like every week, which makes it useless.

However, I have had the best week ever. Really.

Cities I have stayed in this week:
Wed: Manchester
Thus & Fri: Allenheads
Sat: Hartlepool
Sun: Hexham
Mon: Edinburgh
Tues: London
Wed: Ft Worth

Travelling FTW!!!

Great things that have happened this week:
1. Got unconditional offer to Liverpool
2. Visited Manchester
3. Got to see Hartlepool play
4. Got autographed picture by no 1 Hartlepool player
5. Got to see Kenneth & twins lots and lots
6. Finished HL2: Episode 2 with Kenneth - SO SAD! YET SO AWESOME!
7. Got to visit Edinburgh, which steals my heart every time
8. Got to meet and impress program director of Genetics & Genomics MSc programme at Edinburgh
9. *****Got an unconditional offer to Edinburgh University!!!******
10. **** Got HOME FEES (1/3 less than international fees!) for Uni Edinburgh!!!!***
11. Delayed flight from Newcastle meant missed the London connection to Dallas on the 28th... which was actually a bad thing.. until...
12. Dad got me a hotel room in London and I got to spend the day hopping the Underground all around LDN!
13. **** Managed to secure extremely coveted and very rare ticket to the SMASH HIT OLIVER! with Rowan Atkinson as Fagin!!!! *****
14. GOT THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE
15. WAS FIRST IN LINE FOR ROWAN ATKINSON'S SIGNATURE
15. GOT A PICTURE WITH ROWAN ATKINSON
16. DIED OF AWESOMENESS.
17. WAS REVIVED BY AWESOMENESS.

Yea. Pretty awesome. And I STILL get to go home to the best boyfriend ever today!

Man I am just bowled over by this week. LIFE IS AWESOME!

Coming Out Against 'Bitch' and 'Miracle'

2009-03-19T11:31:00.002-05:00

I've set myself a new ideal: to stop using two words - 'bitch' and 'miracle'. I know, those two seem pretty random! But I do have reasons.

Bitch
I use bitch a lot. I call people bitches, I call things bitches, I call events bitches - I'll even call myself a bitch (usually something like 'Oh, I will be a bitch about it if I have to').

The problem is, I, and many other people, use 'bitch' in two different senses. First and perhaps most commonly, people use 'bitch' in a derogatory sense. I'm sure everyone has their own exact definition to attach to this, but when I use 'bitch' this way I usually mean someone who's making a scene and/or being being rude and unreasonable. The travel agent who won't let you check in because you're 30 seconds past the closing time might be considered a 'bitch'. The lady making a huge scene over a coupon at the grocery store and holding up everyone behind her instead of going and taking it up at the customer service desk might be a 'bitch'.

The second usage is usually how I use it on myself. It can almost be a complement. It doesn't mean being unreasonable or making a scene, but it means being strong, assertive, and perhaps a little rude if that's what needs to be done. Usually I call myself a 'bitch' when I'm in a situation where I'm going to have get strong about something in order to get it done. Group-work is a great example of this - I don't stand for people slacking off or handling things so that I have to work harder to make up for it. My current payment situation is another great example - TCU has owed me about $1000 for about 4 weeks now - I will be pretty damn strong and assertive about getting my money.

The problem arises because you've got these two completely different meanings - one positive, one negative - in the same word. I realised that whenever I call myself or another woman a bitch for being strong and assertive, meaning it to be a complement, I am feeding fuel to the misogynists who believe any woman who dares to stand up to anyone is a 'bitch' - in a derogatory sense. While it would be great if we can 'reclaim words,' I am just not sure that with a word like 'bitch' that's going to happen anytime soon. And I don't like the idea of words ('n*gger' is a great example) that can only be 'safely' used by one group or another - I have no desire to make so that only women can call each other 'bitches' without fear.

So the solution, in my personal life anyway, is to simply stop using the word. When someone's being rude and unreasonable, I have many other words I can fall back on, like asshole, without worrying much about offending the butts of world. When someone is being strong and assertive, I will call them just that - using words that can't later be used as ammunition against me and other women!

Miracle
While my problem with 'bitch' might be considered feminist, my problem with 'miracle' is purely scientific. Mainly I have developed a hate of it because it is so overused!

There are so many situations where 'miracle' is used in a purely historic sense, and is so obviously outdated. 'The miracle of life' is the most obvious example - how is it a miracle? There are 6 billion people on the world! Believe me, there is nothing miraculous about that! Yes, conception and birth are very, very cool - believe me, I will be the first to agree on that, but they're not miraculous! And it's not a miracle because we don't know how it happens - we know exactly how it happens. It's pretty day-to-day - think about how many eggs got fertilized today, not just by humans, but by all the living organisms in the world!

'Miracle' implies that something is amazing, unique, and shouldn't happen. It implies that we don't understand how it works, or it seems so amazing that obviously mysterious outside forces are at work. Now there are some situations where it might seem that the word 'miracle' might be appropriate - a tree falling over and missing your friend by an inch, the helicopter finding the lost hiker a few hours before he would have died of hypothermia, on and on. But even then, I don't think we can attribute these to a mysterious power - whatever made the tree fall made it fall exactly how it did, and when you throw in random chance, there was always a chance it wasn't going to hit your friend. The helicopter rescue team might be very well trained, they might have found someone there before, they might have decided to make that last sweep - and again, there was always a chance they were going to find the hiker.

If you personally want to invoke God or the FSM to these situations, that's fine, but I personally believe that God is not here to direct the falling of trees or the direction of a helicopter search. And I think it covers up the science of the real world - it encourages people to get too caught up in how wonderfully amazing something is to take time to give credit to the natural order of things, and the scientific data so many have slaved so long to gather and test and interpret!

So, because it is such a wavy and unclear line, I have decided it is best not to use the word 'miracle'. Amazing, sure, incredible, why not, lucky, no problem. There are many other words that can express my amazement without taking credit and attention from the fact that the world is a chancy place that runs on rules.

By the way, I am not advocating that everyone needs to stop using these words, though I think you might want to consider your own thoughts on the subject. What do you think?

Because I Hate Bad Arguments...

2009-02-18T10:24:00.000-06:00

People are often very invested in creationism*. For most, it is a moral imperative - the Bible says it is so, and if that part of the Bible is wrong, then what's stopping the whole thing from being wrong? Or, it's a matter of fear - not wanting to dare tread on the toes of the insitution they've been raised in. A minority don't believe evolution because they're ignorant of science.

For me, the most frustrating thing about most creationist arguments is that they're just plain untrue. Half of them betray a complete misunderstanding of the Theory of Evolution. The rest of them betray a complete lack of a science education or basic research. Or they're off-topic. One that continually drives me bat-shit-insane is "Vestigal organs, like humans losing their tail, are proof that evolution is false, because evolution is about advancing and gaining function, not losing it!"

If you don't understand why this argument is wrong, then the rest of this post is probably too advanced for you. You should spend the time reading basic evolutionary theory instead, then come back.

What most creationists don't realise (I assume...) is that the claims they gather so eagerly off the internet (seriously?) are so very untrue. Very few sites cite sources; fewer sites cite scientific research as sources. Creationists, I can again only assume, seem to think that these ideas they're spreading around are completely new and untested. Perhaps believing that scientists wouldn't deign to look into matters like religion, or more likely, that scientists are too scared to test these ideas in case they were proven correct! (*Gasp*) But, as so often, creationists are wrong again. While perhaps few of the arguments have been directly tested, science itself is advanced enough that most of these crazy new ideas are disproven quite easily.

Unfortunately (but understandably), in order to come up with reasons why these creationist arguments are false usually requires at least a decent understand of biology, chemistry, physics, geology, and argumentative fallacies and at most a good poke around in the scientific literature. Otherwise, you're unlikely to even know where to start looking, never mind where to find the answer.

Luckily, these days we have the Internet. And these days we have someone intelligent enough to realise that only having scientists and professors, scattered over many fields, well-enough equipt to refute and give proof that these arguments are false is not a good enough defense against hoards of list-waving people screaming out reasons why evolution can't exist that they don't even understand, never mind came up with. At least, not a good enough defense if the common person can't access a scientist or professor for the truth when confronted with these reasons. And these days, we're lucky enough to have someone kind enough to spend the time to make a website of happy!!!

I present: Index to Creationist Claims

This website is a compiled list of pretty much every creationist argument ever made, and perhaps every personal question you've ever pondered about evolution. And every argument has a refutement - and every refutement has citations! Hooray! It has answers to the simpler arguments we've all probably come across, like:

Some systems are too complex to be explained by evolution [answer]
The second law of thermodynamics prohibits evolution [answer]
Ockham's Razor says's the simplest explanation is prefferable, and creationism is simpler [answer]
The eye cannot have evolved gradually - that means at some point there would have been 'half an eye' and that would be useless! [answer]

And the more complicated ones**:

Does chirality make the chance of simple chemicals/structures forming too small? [answer]
If DNA is replicated by proteins, but proteins are formed by DNA, how could one form without the other already being present? [answer]

So go, browse around. Have a look for yourself. There is no real science behind creationism. It's the sad truth. If you want to disreguard science, that's your personal choice, but please understand there's no more reason for doing so than your own personal convictions. And please understand that your own personal convictions do not make science into a 'pick and choose' buffet line - evolution is proven far well enough to be taught everywhere, just like all the other hard sciences, so whether it's controversial or not, we must include it, or degrade our own scientific system.

To quote:

"Evolution matters because science matters, and too many people (including some presidents) are willing to believe that science is something you can pick and choose from, with "good" science being anything that supports your own views and "bad" science being anything that doesn't. ...Too many people can't accept that although scientists are not perfect, and do make mistakes (sometimes whoppers), science isn't something you can pick through like a buffet, accepting only what is to your "taste" and designating the rest inedible. If people feel free to reject the science of evolution, they feel free to reject any science on no better grounds " [source]

* For the purpose of this post, I'm clumping 'creationism' and 'intelligent design' together, because if you strip away the BS and politics, they are the same thing. Yes, really. To quote from the site referenced above, "A solution to a problem must address the parameters of the problem, or it is just irrelevant hand waving. Any theory about design must somehow address the agent and purpose, or it is not really about design." [link] So you can argue your heart out that intelligent design isn't about God, but it's pretty obviously some kind of deism. I chose to use 'creationism' because it's shorter.

** These arguments actually deal with the origin of life, which can be argued seperately from evolution. (Yes! It can! I could believe God threw a bunch of one-celled bacteria into the ocean and then it evolved into everything we have today.)

On the Road/Railroad Tracks/Flight Path Again...

2009-01-04T17:46:00.002-06:00

Hello all! Here is a more accurate summary of Sean and my plans for travelling the UK and seeing the sights and all that this winter. So now you can track us on your little map on your wall with pins! Hooray! Long and short of it is I will be gone Jan 5th - Feb 3rd and Sean will be gone Jan 20th - Feb 3rd.

U.K. Trip Proposed Schedule Alpha

Monday, January 5
       Emma leaves from DFW

Tuesday, January 6
       Emma arrives at LHR

Tuesday, January 20
       Sean leaves from DFW

Wednesday, January 21
        Sean arrives at LHR. Meet with Emma and take train to Canterbury midday.

Thursday, January 22
        Canterbury

Friday, January 23
        Morning train from Canterbury to Hexham; bus to Allenheads (6 hours approximately)

Saturday, January 24
        Allenheads & Hartlepool football match!

Sunday, January 25
        Allenheads

Monday, January 26
        Morning bus from Allenheads to Hexham; train to Newcastle (30 minutes approximately)

Tuesday, January 27
        Newcastle

Wednesday, January 28
        Newcastle

Thursday, January 29
        Morning train from Newcastle to Glasgow (2.5 hours approximately)

Friday, January 30
        Evening train from Glasgow to Aberdeen (3.5 hours approximately)

Saturday, January 31
        Aberdeen

Sunday, February 1
        Aberdeen

Monday, February 2
        Leave Aberdeen and arrive in London.

Tuesday, February 3
        Sean (on AA) and Emma (on BA) leave LHR, arrive in DFW

My, My, Time Flies

2008-12-27T23:35:00.002-06:00

Today I went out to run errands, and stopped by the shops to see the post-Christmas sales. You could feel in the air the 'Christmas crash' as everyone milled around the decorations that two days ago seemed so joyful and twinkling and now seem limp and out-dated.

But this feeling did not extend to me. I have enjoyed a feeling of deep calm all day. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong! Anyone who's been to my over-decorated apartment knows that! But it's nice to finally get through the rush of the season - school, finals, graduation, Christmas. Done. It's nice to get a chance to have a relaxing day with few worries and only a few small errands to run, which is a joy when your pockets have some Christmas cash.

Anyway, in regard to the title, it's true, time does fly. I suppose it's very typical of me post-university to look back and make remarks about how quickly it goes. It does, and it doesn't. It does seem like 4.5 years of school, but it also seems like it went faster than I thought it would. The title, for those of you who don't know, is from Enya's new winter album, 'And Winter Came', and is a song I've grown quite fond of.

As I talked about in my last post, I am at a point where I feel very comfortable in life, in the future, in general. It's a lovely feeling. I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff at the moment, but instead of it plunging me into a world of uncertainty about what the hell I'm going to do with my life, I feel poised at the lip of an adventure.

This next semester, apart from way too much research, tutoring, and auditing a CS class, I am going to be taking the GRE and applying to grad schools. Sean and I have recently been discussing this, and I am thoroughly excited. My mom wants me to try and apply to Rice, though chances are pretty much zero that would work. However, Sean and I have discussed it, and after this miserable excuse of a winter, we're both ready to move to a climate with more pronounced seasons and a half-decent winter. In fact, we've decided on two locations housing universities with good evolution programs where I am definitely going to apply: Denver, CO, and Eugene, OR. Eugene is one of the greenest cities in the US, and very pretty, too. Needless to say, both are cooler than TX! This winter has reaffirmed my long-held suspicion that I can handle Texas heat just fine, but I do require a decent winter to offset months of blistering, sweltering sun. And this winter just wasn't good enough. Perhaps time to explore.

The prospect of moving somewhere new, doing some exciting new evolution studying, having snow in the winter, finding a nice place for Sean and I to settle down for a few years - it's all very exciting, and feels right.

We're not sure about timing just now - my lease here runs out July 7th, so we will most likely be somewhere new after that. We don't know if we should go ahead and relocate north (state residency for one thing), or perhaps we will head back South to Georgetown for a while, as the condo's current resident's lease is through June, and we can live there for awhile without having to worry about anything but utilities.

Anyway, I will keep you all updated, as time flies along...

Happiness

2008-12-14T01:00:00.003-06:00

On nights like tonight it often suddenly hits me: I'm happy. I like life. I have a future. It's still a little scary - when isn't it - but it's exciting too. And I can handle it.

It seems like such a simple revelation. But for me, it's still an amazing event. To finally have a handle on things after so long, it still seems somewhat unreal.

I guess knowing that so many people were worried about my happiness for so long - and with good reason - makes me feel like I should write this now. To thank everyone, for continuing to care, for continuing to worry, even when it seemed like I was way too busy digging myself into a deep dark hole to be listening. I may not have been acknowledging, but I was listening. And hearing people ask me if I was happy, hearing people tell me I could be happier, hearing people repeatedly say they were worried about me, and that they wanted me to be happy - it forced me to keep, even if just for a moment, picturing the brief possibility that what they were saying could be true - before I bowed my head and continued digging.

I really couldn't see the light. And that's because I was digging. When you dig down, there is no light - you're not in a tunnel. Going in the same direction - 'working through it' - isn't going to fix anything. You've got to turn around, and look the other way - then you'll see the light. Then you've got to start clawing your way out along the steep, crumbling sides.

And lord knows it wasn't easy. I kept digging for a very long time. At first I thought there was a light, and then I resigned myself to the fact that there wasn't a light in front of me, but there never was one behind me either, and so I might as well just keep heading this direction.

First, I lost the past. Then, I found myself. Then I found hope. Then I found Sean. Then I found my tutoring job. Then I found willpower and discipline in school. Then I found a dream, a passion. Then I found a good job. Then I was headed to making better grades than I have in years. Then I found a future.

It's slow. It was painful, so painful. But it also was so amazing. I know it may seem shallow to put Sean on that list, at least to some, but it's not. That we have a wonderful relationship now is a dream, but it was through getting to know him that I made some amazing steps. I finally accepted that someone could actually be attracted to me. That I was date-able. And through watching him take so much pleasure from getting to know the quirks of Emma, I remembered something I'd forgotten long ago: that I liked me too.

It's been a long road. And I'm still on it. I still have those reactions, where I'm taken back. If I'm sitting with my legs up and Sean tries to kiss my knee, I still jerk back. In my mind, I'm afraid he's going to bite me so long and so hard that I scream for him to stop and the bruises last for weeks, but I'm not strong enough to pull away. Sean's never done that, of course, but my mind is still conditioned from the past.

But I hardly even care, because look how far I've come. I'm content and I'm happy. I'm doing unbelievably well in school. I'm climbing back onto a better road, in all meanings.

I know you already know this, those of you who stood by me so long, because I've heard it from so many voices so many times: "Emma, you look so well." "Emma, you seem so happy." "Emma, it's so good to see you like this." So, I really don't need to say it, but I will: I'm happy. And all of you who gave me your words and your care and your love, you're all part of this happiness.

So thank you.

I Think I Like the Stars Better

2008-12-09T23:31:00.000-06:00

You know, if you think about it, those 'Girls Gone Wild' videos must be a little bit of a let down. I mean, in the ads, there's all these STARS popping out everywhere! It's exciting! But I guess if you get the DVD, there are no stars - you just see the girls boobs. I donno, I guess maybe it's cuz I have a pair myself, but that seems rather anti-climactic.

Get Your Favorite Anti-Evolutionist to Read This!

2008-11-08T19:24:00.003-06:00

Hello again!
Well, this is a little long, but I'd definitely like to hear what's to be said about it.

So there's this thing in your genome. Well, maybe not yours, but plenty of people's. It's called the PMP-22 gene. I don't know what it does. It's not really important until later. What is important is what's in front of it. A region called CMT1A repeat. Hey, guess what's it's called a repeat! Cuz there's two of them! One in front of PMP-22, one behind it! Here, let me draw a picture:

DNA: ----Proximal CMT1A repeat--------PMP-22--------Distal CMT1A repeat-----

This might seem really happy, huh? Well, it's not. Because as you might remember from whenever you last took biology, our chromosomes do this crazy thing called crossing over. That's during meiosis, which you might remember, is how you form gametes (eggs or sperm, depending), since they only have 1/2 the DNA of other human cells (which is why it takes two to make offspring!).

So, during crossing-over, homologous chromosomes (ex: both of your number 17 chromosomes, one from your mom, one from your dad) line up next to each other like buddies, and then they do this crazy thing where they both break a section of their DNA off, and swap sections with the other chromosome! Obviously, they it's important that both chromosomes break at the exact same place, otherwise you could end up missing some genes! Usually this goes down just fine, since the broken piece wouldn't reattach well if it didn't 'match' the other chromosome's broken end.

However, if you're one of those unlucky ones who have the two CMT1A repeats, this is a problem! Because your body does not know which one is distal and which one is proximal! So chromosome 17 #1 might break at the distal location, and chromosome 17 #2 might break at the proximal location.... oh no!

Now chromosome 17 #1 has two copies of PMP-22, and chromosome 17 #2 has NO copies of PMP-22!!!

Now while the CMT1A itself is just a repeat, not a gene, it has no function. It doesn't really matter if you have it or not, the PMP-22 is definitely a gene, and it is definitely important.

If you end up with two copies of PMP-22, you get Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease 1A. If you end up with ZERO PMP-22, you get neuropathy and palsies. Not fun!

So why do we have this repeat? Who put it here!?!? Well, it's probably the old remnants of a 'jumping gene' - they copy themselves and reinsert themselves. They're very random, though, so it's very, very rare that they insert themselves into the exact same place in two different occurrences.

So why did God give us jumping genes? They're kind of handy in evolution, but we all know God doesn't believe in that, so why? They're pretty dangerous - they can insert themselves right into the middle of a gene, rendering it useless! Dangerous!

Someone told me once that it was punishment for our sin. Ah, I see. Well, that's a good Biblically correct answer. I know if someone I knew ate an apple when I told them not to I'd totally curse their children with genetic defects.

But wait, so, you're saying that we have this repeat-crossing-over-problem with CMT1A because of our sins?

Well, I suggest you start preaching to chimpanzees and bonobos then, because they have the exact same defect.

That God, huh? Such a quirky guy!

*Bows*
Thank you, thank you! Have a wonderful evening everybody, and remember, evolution is real!

A New Day Dawns in America Today

2008-11-05T09:23:00.004-06:00

Everybody's making their posts of one kind of another, so I figured I'd share mine as well. I don't have much to say - I'm just so, so happy. And so, so hopeful.

Sean and I spent election night downtown at the Hilton, where the Democratic party gathered to watch the election. We didn't even find out about it until 8, and headed over there at 9. Man, what a great decision! The atmosphere was electric, the people were smiling; everyone had on Obama shirts and stickers. The media were everywhere. It was so, so neat to be surrounded by Democrats in Texas!! When Virginia was announced and the huge screen (one of three) flashed up Obama as the President-Elect, I cannot even put into words how amazing it was. The cheers were deafening, a million American flags went up, everybody was hugging everyone else, tears were streaming. Truly, one of the most emotional and impressive experiences of my life.

It is a strange feeling to me to feel such hope for America. For most of my adult life it's been Bush Bush Bush (actually, for most of my life, given that we got that story twice via father and son), and it's been a long time of kind of waiting for the next stupid thing to happen. How much more debt can we rack up, how many more countries can we invade, how many more civil liberties can we tie up in misnomer acts like the "Patriot Act".

I'm going to revel in the victory for a minute and reply to a few common sentiments I've seen expressed:

- "I hope everyone can be civil and imagine what it would be like if their candidate had lost."
I don't have to imagine, thanks very much. The last 8 years? Yea, not so hot for me. I remember it clearly. It's not like Democrats have been ruling elite for 20 years and we're still rubbing in Republican faces.

- "I'm moving to Canada!"
Now, I've said this myself, so the sentiment itself is fair enough at a time when you're down about the country. But I'm a little confused. It makes sense for you to move to Canada because it's totally more conservative than America.... no... wait.. that doesn't sound right. In short - it makes sense for me to want to move to Canada, but not Republicans.

- "I'm watching history repeat itself, unfortunately."
Uh, how? What recent Democratic candidate put America into such ruin? Somehow I think more tax cuts for the rich and more wars would be much more... repetitive, no?

- "Obama can pry my guns from my cold, dead hands!"
Right. No one is taking away your precious guns. Don't worry. If you're seriously afraid of this, you're delusional.

- "I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway."
Because the last 8 years have been such a great example of how to protect civil liberties... oh, except for when it's inconvenient for the government.

- "Have fun losing all your money to taxes!"
To everyone making more than $600,000 a year: I am really sorry your taxes are going to go up. I really hope it doesn't put you out on the street. I know you must be worried about feeding your family and paying your bills.
Seriously, though. If you're making that much money, you can afford to provide for the services we all enjoy, and especially for those much less fortunate than you. In short, you should give back to the country that helped you get so successful.
To everyone else: Have fun with your tax cuts or no change in taxes!

Well, I hope that answered some misconceptions about Obama. Also, he is not a terrorist, not a closet Muslim, and is an American citizen. Also, I am not either!

Emma/Svara '12!

Also, in case you were wondering what main issues I'd be moaning about if McCain had won, it would be his apparent nonchalant attitude towards spending 100 years in Iraq, his dismissal of women's "health," trying to turn Roe v Wade back to states (which is totally stupid, for reasons I'll discuss later), and his great idea of giving the biggest tax cuts to those that need them most.... those making more than $2.8 million. Problem is, he's actually voiced all of those out loud, making it hard to believe it's just fear and rumors.

Anyway, enough of the moaning. Change is coming now. The world has exhaled in thankfulness, and American can continue on down a hopefully much more peaceful, fiscally responsible, socially just, healthy, and environmentally friendly road.

GOBAMA!

What makes me sad....

2008-09-23T19:18:00.003-05:00

Writing beautiful code or fixing some coding probem and not being able to run up to any friend at random and go 'LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL CODE!'/'LOOK HOW I FIX!' and have them share in my happiness. It's like building a beautiful house that not everybody can see :(

Think it Might be Fear of Reprisal?

2008-09-17T11:16:00.002-05:00

Why I don't like my criminal justice textbook (The Criminal Justice System - Burns):

Quote from page 5 (minus source citations):

"Other incident-specific factors such as fear of reprisal may influence victim reporting. (Skip one sentence.)
Fear of reprisal, or retaliation for reporting a crime, influences some reporting practices. Some crimes (particularly violent crime) are not reported out of a victim's fear of reprisal. The reporting of domestic violence incidents is sometimes influenced by the victim's economic dependence on the offender and fear of reprisal. (Skip one sentence.) Kidd and Chayet argue that the nonreporting of crime is the result of a combination of factors acting together, or alone, including victim fear of reprisal..."

Seriously? Was there no better way to word this?
Hey executive editor Frank Mortimer (no joke) - you fail.

Evolution Revisited

2008-08-26T10:14:00.003-05:00

As always, I continue to argue against creationism and show the overwhelming evidence that supports evolution. I am always looking around for new evidence and new examples - an ever-present lens I view the world through (which, to me, makes it so much more amazing through my eyes). I had an interesting thought last night that I thought should definitely be shared.

If evolution is false, then why do animals have mating rituals?

As a note, I have decided that the argument 'because God wanted it that way' just does not cut it when having a scientific discussion. It is forever deemed by me to be a non-answer, about a relevant as saying 'I like tacos'. Think of all the hundreds of things we've deemed unexplainable in the past - rainbows, conception, whether the earth is the center of the universe, chemical reactions, gravity - that we explained away with 'it is the will of God (or Allah, or whatever)' that we now can explain with science and well-known scientific laws and facts. To believe that we've suddenly and mysteriously hit a ceiling where God's workings are so mysterious we will never be able to see the forces working in the background is to bury one's head in the sand in the face of reality. If you're going to have a scientific argument, you've got to have some science in there - as many creationist arguments do, or attempt, at least.

Also, it makes God seem like a whiny three-year-old - 'because I WANT IT'. And I don't like to think of God like a three-year-old.

So why, then, do animals have mating rituals? Many mating rituals are dangerous - deer, rams, and others clash antlers/horns that can result in serious physical damage. Lions, sea lions, and some monkeys fight each other directly, causing injury and even death. Those that are not directly dangerous consume time and resources - peacocks make themselves a slow and flashy target for predators, birds waste time having elaborate displays and preparing collections of objects or nests when they could be gathering food, walruses stand for hours on beaches making a noisy display to attract females.

Certainly a better option would be to just mate with whoever is the closest member of the opposite sex, then return to normal life. After all, if evolution is false, it doesn't really matter who you mate with - your species is safe, no matter who mates with whom. It will remain at exactly the same fitness level and will not become stronger or weaker. So with such security, why waste such resources??

I could only really think of two arguments.
1. Females like to pick the best mate.
Well, yea. But why do they like to do this? To ensure fitness of their offspring. Fitness only matters if evolution is true.

2. Males want to have lots of children by mating with lots of females (fighting off other males).
Well yea, but why do they want to have lots of children? These aren't humans - they don't actually love their kids - in most species, they won't even help raise them. In many species, they'll actually try and kill them if they run into them! So why would they want to have lots of kids? Oh right, to pass on genes. But that only matters if evolution is true.

So apart from the argument that God really loves watching lions, monkeys, and sea lions mauling each other to death on a seasonal basis (which, from reading the Bible, isn't too hard to believe, actually...), I feel that mating rituals are a pretty good example that there's obviously some reason why picking a good mate is worth the effort expended and risk induced. That reason is evolution.

Change in frequency of alleles in a population. Fitness.

Please do let me know if you have any other arguments, as I like to test all my theories and ideas to the limit to make sure they stand up. Otherwise, perhaps I must reconsider my stance.

Interview with a Sibling!

2008-08-08T05:35:00.009-05:00

Elizabeth, of The Spotted Ottoman Blog, recently interviewed her 14-year-old sister on her perspectives on a few things in life. I am shamelessly stealing her idea to interview my brother Kenneth (who is also 14) and my younger twin sisters, Alice and Heather (who are 10). I changed up the questions a bit, but I thought this might be some interesting insight. I am also considering a second post with my answers, my sister Elizabeth (Libby)'s answers (she is 19), and my dad's answers! Stay tuned!

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A More Serious Note

2008-05-12T19:42:00.003-05:00

Hello friends and family. I just wanted to let you all know what was going on in my life at the moment. I'll tell the long version of the story. If you want the short version, scroll down to the part labelled as important.

Those of you whom I tagged in this post are just those I thought would want to hear the story most - I wanted to make sure you at least read the important part, so please do.

Yesterday Sean (that's the new BF for those of you not in the know (or not paying attention to Facebook)) and I took his best friend, Nick (who is down from Idaho), to the Scarborough Faire. We entered the faire and unfortunately only made it along a few of the booths before we stopped at the glass blowing demonstration. My stomach was mildly hurting, but I didn't think much of it. However, near the end of the exhibit I started to feel very tired and light-headed. Luckily the people in front of us got up and left, so I sat down and warned Sean that I was feeling very light-headed and that I might faint. Luckily he took that hint very seriously and stood behind me and held me up, as I soon blacked out.

According to Sean and Nick (who is a CNA (works in the medical field)), I had some small convulsions and then went limp when I was out, which lasted about 6 seconds. When I came to, I had had a dream, and was disoriented for a short time. Nick was sitting in front of me, but I didn't know who he was or where I was. My whole body ached and I was confused and afraid. Things didn't get better, however, as I was feeling nauseous and like I was going to black out again. Slowly my vision faded - it was like someone had turned a dimmer down on the world. All I could see was vague outlines and shapes - like I was in a dark room and my eyes had adjusted. My hearing was bad - it sounded like everything was far away.

I was extremely scared. I remember looking at Sean and barely being able to see his face. I remember him asking me how he could dial my mom, and looking at my phone and not being able to see the buttons. I honestly felt like it was a dream. I know people say that all the time, but it was the only way my brain could comprehend it. I looked at Sean and asked him to make it stop. I was seriously afraid of three things: 1) That I would die 2) That I would never see again 3) That I had a brain tumour.

Nick went and called the paramedics, and I put my head down on my lap as my vision and hearing slowly started to return. It was only for about 5 minutes that I was like that, but it felt like eternity. The paramedics came and thankfully by then I could see and hear, though I was still very confused and dizzy. They half carried me to the golf cart, where I sat down and they drove me to the paramedic tent thing. I was terrified, and wanted Sean to come, but they made him walk behind (it wasn't that far). Sean said I gave him a look of absolute terror as we started to pull away, and I don't doubt it.

When we got to the paramedic's tent, they took my blood pressure (80/50 - incredibly low) and heart rate (56 - also incredibly low) and blood sugar (normal). They asked me a million questions and wouldn't let Sean come in for forever. They had the air conditioning on full blast and I was freezing cold. Finally they told me that they didn't know what had caused me, so they needed me to go to the ER. Sean gave Nick the keys and he pulled my car around, and I lay in the back with Sean while Nick drove me to the nearest hospital.

When we got to the hospital, I was admitted quickly. They had me give a urine sample, took blood for labs, gave me an IV for fluids (I was slightly dehydrated), gave me an EKG, CT scan, and chest x-rays. We were in the hospital until 8 (arrived at 3) waiting for preliminary results and discharge. I slowly was feeling better and better, and by the end, I was feeling fine. All the prelim results came back clear, and they said I could go, though they'd call us as soon as possible with the full results of the x-ray and CT scan readings.

They let me go, and my mom bought Sean, Nick, and I dinner (she'd driven down, of course) as thanks to Sean and Nick for taking care of me. I was told to drink lots of fluids and to take it easy. I couldn't drive or be unsupervised for the next 24 hours. Luckily with Sean around that was no issue : ). (I have to say a huge thanks here to Sean and Nick, who handled the whole incident calmly and professionally and took absolutely incredible care of me through the whole thing, and even to now.)

Anyway, last night and today, apart from feeling a little tired and having a little bit of a sore stomach, I have been feeling fine.

IMPORTANT PART:
The ER PA who took care of me yesterday called me today at around 2:30pm. He told me he needed to talk to me, and told me that the final reading of my CT scan had come back.

They have found a 1.3cm cystic lesion in the medial left temporal lobe of my brain. They do not think it is solid, they don't think it's cancerous, and they don't think it's anything to be worried about. However, I've got to go get an MRI so they can get a better look and see a neurosurgeon. There's a chance that it's absolutely nothing and has nothing to do with my passing out - just one of those things they find while they were looking for something else. If it is causing trouble, it's likely just because it's pressing on something else, not anything more sinister. I do not know what kind of procedures or treatment might be required.

Obviously this news is very shocking to me, Nick, Sean, and my family, and I am not afraid to say that I am nervous about what is to come. I will keep you all updated as I find out what's going on in my crazy brain.

That's all. Let's all hope, or pray, or meditate, or whatever you do, that it all turns out to be nothing and it's a very boring story from this point out.

One Hell of a Day

2008-04-30T13:12:00.002-05:00

Well, 1pm might seem like a weird time to make a post about a 'day' since it's obviously nowhere near over. However today has been so remarkably crazy already that I thought you all might enjoy hearing the story thus far.

Today I have:
1) Woken up at 5am to review for microbiology test
2) Bombed said micro test because I apparently completely misunderstood what we were supposed to know (and from the feeling in the room, I don't think I'm alone on that)
3) Had a cell phone thrown and land about 2 feet from me and completely shatter. (And that is not the full story at all, but I'm not posting that here.)
4) Been diagnosed with salmonella (yes, no joke!)
5) Been given my last Gardasil injection, which is definitely not one of the low-pain vaccinations

And for those of you curious, I most likely got the salmonella from the Reata stand on Thursday during the Main St festival. I had the chicken tacos. So if you know anyone who ate the same thing on the same day and is having stomach troubles, tell them to go to the doctor or somehow get ahold of ciprofloxacin. (Ah, cipro! My guardian angel while in Ecuador! You have returned!)

Anyway, though I was pretty messed up earlier today, I'm doing absolutely fine now. Especially about the salmonella, since at least it's easily treated. I was beginning to fear all my tests would come back negative and figuring out what was wrong with me would stretch far into the summer and mean going to a GI doctor and having who knows what kind of horrible tests done.

Also glad about Gardasil, since now I can go around sleeping with, like, everything that moves and be completely ok. Because that's what the shot's supposed to do, right? Reassure you that's ok to be promiscuous? Oh wait, sorry, someone bumped on my 'Conservative Christian' button for a moment. Let's try again: since now I can rest assured that whatever happens in life (including rape and a committed partner cheating), I am well-protected against cervical cancer.

I have more to write about Gardasil some other time - it's a topic I've been stewing over for a few days now. But for now, I'm off to go pick up my micro lab test.

I hope the rest of you have significantly less eventful days than me - unless you too are hoping for a salmonella diagnosis, of course!

Ad Songs & Me Rambling On

2008-04-07T12:06:00.006-05:00

Well, I really should be working on my nutrition brochure that I just got assigned (I knew today would end my wonderful break!), but I'm a little pissed off. See, we're supposed to be writing it to be at an 8th grade reading level (Word apparently can show you this - I didn't know that!). Unfortunately, using the words "protein, fiber, vitamins, and minerals" pushes my brochure's reading level from 7.3 to 8.6 - 1.3 grades! How I am supposed to write a nutritional brochure without using "protein," "fiber," "vitamins," or "minerals" is beyond me. I've emailed Dr.Hill about it - we'll see what she says.

Anyway, in the meantime, I thought I'd be completely unproductive and write about music. I was talking to a friend the other day and realised that many of the songs I've purchased recently over iTunes (using up a $30 gift certificate, yey!) are songs from ads. And, according to the 'popularity rating' of the songs when I find them on iTunes, I'm not the only one doing this. I wonder when this trend began? I'm absolutely positive it's due to the advent of being able to purchase one song immediately - I'd have maybe one of these songs if I had to go drive to a store and buy the album. Whether the song's popularity has affected the effectiveness of the ad, I don't know. I can't say that I've purchased any of the products featured on these song's ads since the ad's premiere, but I do, for the most part, remember the product attached to each song.

Anyway, here is my list of 'ad-songs':

'Remind Me (Radio Edit)' by Royksopp - Featured in the 'airport caveman' Geico commercial. When he's on the sidewalk. I like this ad so much I recorded it on my camera. More on that later.
'Le Disko' by Shiny Toy Guns - Featured on the 'knife-fight on the subway' Razr ad. I like how the phone stuck in the wall when it was thrown.
'1234' by Feist - You all know this one - featured on the new iPod Nano commercial by Apple.
'Never the Same' by Supreme Beings of Leisure - Featured in a Christmas-time Johnny Walker Black Label ad. I was fond of this ad, as the whole screen was black except the outline of the label and the whiskey itself. Very artsy.
'New Soul' by Yael Naim - Another one you all know. Featured in the MacBook Air commercials.
'I Melt With You' by Modern English - Featured in the Taco Bell 'cheesy beefy melt' commerical.
'Can't Get It Right Today' by Joe Purdy - This is the one exact product I don't remember (I remember the ad but not the brand)... *goes to look it up.* Ah, featured in the Kia Spectra ad - where everyone's pulling into the gas station and doesn't remember which side the gas tank is on.
'Sweet Pea' by Amos Lee - Featured in the AT&T 'business trip dad/pictures of the monkey everywhere' ad. Fond of this ad too - touching! I liked this song enough that I did end up going out and buying the whole album, which I'm glad I did.

So! The Royksopp song. I think it's the song/ad combination that touches me so powerfully. The ad, if you don't remember, is the caveman standing on a moving pavement in the airport and going past those lit-up wall-billboards, carrying bags, checking his ticket, obviously headed to the gate. The camera angle changes once at the end, where you can see that on the opposite wall there's a window overlooking gangways and planes pulled up to gates. As simplistic as the scene is, it hits me with profound meaning. So much of my life is embodied right there - moving sidewalks in airports around the world, checking the ticket, looking for the gate. Heading to wherever it is I need to be, whatever family has it's 'turn'. I can't really explain it, and don't really expect anyone else to understand.

The song itself is meaningful as well. In the commercial, the only lyrics you hear are, 'And everywhere I go, there's always something to remind me, of another place and time'. I can relate to that, for sure. Maybe everyone can. Not a day go goes by, either here or in the UK, that I don't think of something or someone in the other location and, even if for a fleeting second, wish I was there instead. That's especially true when I think of Kenneth, Alice, and Heather. Or just climbing up to the top of the hill outside the cottage and standing in the cold, bracing wind until I forget whatever strains are on my mind. Obviously no matter which country I'm in I have that experience, so I don't sit and pine (ok, well, maybe occasionally!), but it's something I've dealt with for a long time.

In the radio edit of the song, the opening lyrics are:
"It's only been a week,
The rush of being home in rapid fading.
Prevailing to recall
What I was missing, all that time in England

Has sent me aimlessly,
On foot or by the help of transportation,
To knock on windows where
A friend no longer lives, I had forgotten."
Obviously, I often feel that's fairly accurate. No matter where I am, I'm glaringly aware of what I'm missing out on wherever I'm not. And whenever I arrive, I have to catch up on whatever's changed. I'll have to interject at this point that I realise this is just the deal whenever you travel, or even if you're doing something like going to college far from your home. It's not like I sit around being miserable because I'm not in the US/UK, but I guess it might seem strange that it bothers me more than average Joe college student who rarely goes home. Perhaps just because I don't know much else - from age 5 I've had that feeling. Or maybe that's just part of Emma being Emma - who knows. I have more thoughts on that, but I'm probably starting to sound whiny and I'm running out of time before class. I'm just trying to share some lyrics that hit me, not depress you all - I swear! : )

So I'll leave you with some last words from the Royksopp song:
"Brave men tell the truth,
A wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles,
A woman holds her tongue,
Knowing silence will speak for her. "
; D

Viva la Evolution!

2008-03-24T18:39:00.003-05:00

Thankfully, most of the people I know accept that microevolution* is present in the world all around us. (I'm not really sure how people who don't believe in microevolution explain drug-resistant bacteria and etc - perhaps witchcraft? I've never had the pleasure of discussing evolution with such a person.)

However, they still are not convinced about macroevolution. It can be hard for someone versed in evolution/biology to understand why someone could accept one and not the other, as this quote reflects:

Saying you believe in microevolution, but not macroevolution, is like saying you believe atoms exist but that you don't believe you're made out of them simply because you don't see how something so small can be a part of something so much larger.
- (Credit to Patrick Hunter, in an evolution group on Facebook)

While the quote is humorous, and pretty true in my opinion, I believe there are two main reasons for why people balk at macroevolution:

1. Understanding 'Species' - There is a huge amount of controversy in the defining of what makes a 'species,' and how to differentiate species. Most people tend to take the species rules commonly used that they know at face value, without really questioning how obviously incomplete they are. We have classified animals as different species based on tiny differences in colouration, shape, or size, even when they can produce viable and fertile offspring. Yet they're on different sides of a mountain, and don't meet, and so don't breed in nature, so we call them different species. Well, hey, before the Portuguese discovered Australia, Europeans certainly looked different from aborigines, and certainly didn't interbreed. Different species? Of course we can't say that, since it's not politically correct - but it's a good example of where our species rules have gotten us. Not to say that they aren't damn good rules - it's just that it's hard to draw a line where there almost isn't one (hint hint). Species are in the eyes of humans ONLY.
So, forgetting this, people tend to think of macroevolution in the largest possible terms - amoeba to fish, or multi-celled creature to man. When, really, if you can accept that a few changes in size, colour, and shape can stop some specimens from back-breeding with those who don't have the changes, you have the foundation of macroevolution. Now it's not far to see the mutations that accumulated to differentiate a King penguin from a Galapagos penguin. And from there, it's not hard to see how penguins differentiated from sea-going (swimming) birds, and sea-going birds from land-going birds. Follow that on up, and you're well on your way.

2. People Don't Understand Genetics - Many people tell me they can't accept macroevolution because 'it just doesn't make sense to me.' To really understand evolution, one must understand genes. And mutation. And alleles. And frequency of alleles. And 'fitness.' And 'relative fitness.' And change in frequency of alleles. And natural selection. And heritability. Obviously, that's a lot to ask, and a lot to learn, especially if your biology understanding is basic. Once you can get a picture of all of this in your head, evolution clears up quite a bit - better understanding the behaviour of genes alone (never mind really understanding what 'fitness' means) can make a huge difference in someone's comprehension level of evolution.
But part of me wants to say that this isn't really an excuse. Can we/should we believe what we don't fully understand? In an ideal world the answer is no. But hey, this is reality. We believe things we don't understand all the time. I don't fully understand why really big things attract other things (gravity), but I believe it's true - and I doubt anyone's going to call me gullible for doing so. On the other hand, I don't want to tell people to just 'trust' what I say when I tell them that evolution is real because I'm a biologist and I understand it. But, back to the other side, can ignorance really be claimed as a reason not to believe something? 'I don't understand it thus it can't be true?' If I really questioned the validity of gravity, I'd go out and try and find out more. I don't think it's asking too much for those who don't believe in evolution to go learn some basic information so that they can better understand what 'doesn't make sense to them.'

I guess I do like the quote at the top more than I admitted at first. It's true - just because you yourself can't see how something fits in to the big picture doesn't mean it isn't the truth anyway. Even if it's incredibly hard to picture (can you truly wrap your mind around the fact you're made of itty-bitty tiny atoms whose properties are nothing like you?), it far from means it's impossible.

So go out there, guys, and Viva la Evolution!

*I know these terms (microevolution/macroevolution) have some controversy about what they *exactly* mean, especially in the argument's context, but whatever.

'Protecting Innocence' means 'It Makes me Uncomfortable!' I Play You a Tiny Violin

2008-02-25T22:22:00.003-06:00

I'm tired and I don't have the time or energy to write a long post, but I wanted to write something before it slipped my mind.

It's occurred to me that one of the main obstacles in this world is the unwillingness of grownups/parents to accept their child will, someday, be a sexual being, just like most of the rest of us end up being. The problem is, of course, all the more pronounced with little girls. Now before you get all 'OMG PEDOPHILE' on my ass, let me direct you to the article that re-sparked this thought: My Daughter Has a Hand Mirror. Basically it's an article laughing at some conservative blogger freaking out because a book for young people on sexuality seems to endorse young girls looking at their genitals with a mirror.

It's rather befuddling. Why would anyone be opposed to this? Honestly? I guess people believe that discovery of sexual organs leads to interest in sex? People seems to be so obsessed with this 'violation of innocence'. Well, here's a newsflash - your daughter figuring out where her clitoris is isn't going to be violating any innocence. Most likely she's going to think nothing of it and go about her little life just like normal. Why this belief that she's suddenly (apparently) going to become some different person? Why this idea that knowing about sex puts this huge burden on someone? I mean, come on, when you found out about sex, how deeply did you fall into depression? How did you mourn the passing of your childhood? I don't remember a time I didn't know what sex was, and I never remember it being distressing, and certainly it didn't make me grow up any faster. Hell, I lived in my own imaginary world for probably way too long. (I might even stretch to add here that if learning about sex is overwhelmingly distressing, whatever they've just been taught is probably an overall distressing version of what sex is that would even cause me distress.)

Of course sex is the realm of adults, and of course we don't want children involved in sexual acts with other people. But unless your kid has other issues, your daughter at age 8 isn't interested in sex, at all! Except for maybe that shy curiosity, like I had, but hey, if it was in my mom's home medical guide, I wanted to understand it inside-out. Telling them about sex, letting them learn about their own sexual organs, even them learning how to pleasure themselves sexually (as long as it doesn't get out of hand/become a dependency/not in public, etc) - none of this is going to ruin their innocence, or change who they are. In fact, my best bet is that it will teach them to be more comfortable with their bodies, better love the person they are, and be better prepared for sexual experiences later in life (with a strong foundation of knowing themselves as sexual being before some man-boy comes and makes them one before their own self-realization).

Bottom line is this: The only reason you are afraid of spoiling your child's 'innocence' is because you yourself are uncomfortable with the idea, and it makes you all squirmy. Well, get over yourself. Your kid is a person, and will someday be a sexual person, whether you like it or not, so don't try and hide ('shield') it from them - let them learn to love their whole selves.

However, if you have some proof that 9-year-olds looking at their vaginas causes them to become street-walking whores or depressed suicidal maniacs, please let me know.

Ok, well, I hope that made some sense. I'm off to go sit in my internet-less apartment now.

Those Old Questionnaires

2008-02-21T18:29:00.003-06:00

While Google-ing myself (oh, come-on, you all do it too!) I came across one of those old question things everyone used to post on blogs. You know the ones, where they had like 80 questions and you had to answer pointless weird questions about yourself.

Well anyway, I started reading through it, and began thinking it was a really interesting way of seeing how life had changed. It was from July 2004, which was when I was fresh out of high school and before I'd officially started at Southwestern. Oh, life since then!

So I re-posted the questions with my 'modern day' answers below the originals, in blue font. Take a look if you want, but maybe it was just mostly for me. Maybe in another 4 years I'll go back and do it again : )

See it HERE

Cats and God

2008-02-14T23:44:00.004-06:00

I found this article online weeks ago, when I was looking for a home for Leo, the orange tabby stray I took in. It's a story about a minister who takes in a stray cat (Katie), and I really, really like one of the points it makes. Perhaps it won't make so much sense to 'dog people,' because dogs are in general more obedient/trainable, but for cat people, or even people who know cats, it makes perfect sense. I know it's long, but I promise it's worth reading:

"Katie never seeks self-improvement. She never petitions us to help her become a better cat. It probably never enters her cat-mind that she needs improvement.

...

And that is not because she is a perfectly obedient cat. She does not always do our will. She gives us our dawn-licking even though we command her to stop. She often refuses to come when called. She sometimes jumps on the dinner table even though we have clearly instructed her not to. She disobeys our commandments and ignores our will.

She even has a Pharisaic streak in her. She over-obeys one of our commandments. She obeys so well our dictum, "Thou shalt urinate and defecate only in the cat-box" that, if she is outside and needs to relieve herself, she scratches at the screen-door to come indoors to use her facilities!

She is not, by religious standards, a righteous cat. Yet, despite her breaking of our rules, we love her.

No, more than that: because she breaks our rules we love her. Her very disobedience is a part of the perfection of her felinity. She is perfectly cat-like and being cat-like includes indifference to our desires. We find her independence delightful (most of the time).

Might not God feel the same way about me? I have been told that the Lord accepts me the way I am. Might there not be more than mere acceptance? What if God enjoys me the way I am? Maybe the Holy One takes a certain wry pleasure in my indifference to the divine will, a certain amusement in my attempts to get away with something...."

(Read the whole article here.)

It's true. I don't love Svara because she does everything I say, or because she never jumps on the counter (she does) or never throws up on the floor (she does) or never sneaks into an 'off limits' room (she does). I love her because she's her. She does her own thing - she might be 'mine' but I certainly don't control her. And I have no desire to control her. In her independence I find pleasure. Is it so hard to believe that God feels the same way about us? Perhaps we don't always follow the rules, perhaps we don't always do the right thing. I didn't get my cat just so I could indefinitely keep her off tables, stop her throwing up on the carpet, and barricade my off-limits rooms. And I really doubt God created us just to follow his rules.

For those of you who don't know, I'm not a religious person. I created my own religion, with one member (me) (you can find details of it in previous blog-posts). I've always had a very peaceful, abstract idea of God and life, and it works really well for me. However, I do feel the need to talk about it from time to time just because it bugs me how vengeful, angry, controlling, selfish, and petty everyone else's God seems to be. My God is to me as I am to Svara: no matter how many times I throw up on his carpet, there will always be a place for me in his heart and his arms.

Madonna* and the Slut

2008-02-11T21:16:00.001-06:00

So I was waiting for microbiology class to start this morning when some girl behind me decided to share a story that went something like this:

So my dad's friend's girlfriend was a TA for a micro[biology] lab in college and they were doing the thing where you swab your mouth and look at the swab under the slide to see the cheek cells and bacteria and all that. And this one girl got all excited and said, 'Oh I think I got something, it's swimming around!' And the professor came over and was like, 'That's not a bacteria, that's a sperm.'

Forgetting that the story in itself is doubtfully true (sperm are quickly flushed out of the mouth by saliva and broken down by our salivary enzymes (they wouldn't live more than minutes) - and do you know my professors who would publicly announce such a thing to the class?), the reaction of the class pissed me off.

Of course the story is funny-ha-ha, and the usual 'Oh my God!'s and 'Eww!' and 'Hahaha, that's hilarious' went up. Nothing wrong with that. But then five or six guys started harking on and on about how they would totally tease and name-call anyone that happened to. One of the girls said, 'But not if you didn't know them, right? I mean, it's one thing to tease your friends, but if it was a stranger, you don't want to, like, make them go commit suicide.' 'No way!' was the general consensus from the guys, 'If it was someone I didn't know, I'd tease them more!'

This really irks me, and here's why: I am sure that these guys have had or currently have girlfriends, and I am sure that they expected, or even demanded, oral sex from their girlfriends (remember, the 'Christian' in TCU doesn't really count). But when a girl actually has some evidence of having given oral sex exposed in a very unfortunate way? Oh man! What a slut! That's so nasty! Talk about your Madonna* and the Slut dichotomy.

So remember girls, put out like there's no tomorrow, but make sure there's never any evidence that you're anything but the perfect angel. The men-folks, they don't like that.

* And when I say 'Madonna' I, quite obviously, do not mean the pop singer. I mean the virgin mother.

Yes means Yes, No means No...

2008-02-03T15:06:00.001-06:00

I read this article, which pretty much tries to defend the idea of 'grey rape,' when I came across this quote in the comments, that I thought was pretty clever, and thus would share with you all:

Yes means yes,
No means no,
Whatever we wear,
Wherever we go

In a nutshell, there is no such thing as 'grey rape'. There's a clear line between rape and non-rape - consent. If consent was not given, it's rape. If consent was revoked, it's rape. If consent was given while the person wasn't legally able to consent (ex: inebriated), it's rape.

In the article above the author outlines a scenario where a girl dresses provocatively, gets drunk, acts like she wants sex, and then changes her mind at the last minute. The guy "he disregards this as momentary insanity on her part and enters her anyway". The author claims this is 'grey rape' because she "vehemently sen[t] the message that sex was what she wanted" and "even showed up to the party looking like pure sex". She asks who's really at fault.

There are a hundred things in this article I could sink my teeth into and tear to pieces, but I feel like it's been well accomplished by most of the commenters. (Please go read these if you are unconvinced that this is, in fact, rape.)

True, it kind of sucks for the guy - here he was all raring to go, and he gets denied at the last minute. But there's a really, really easy way to avoid this situation - don't hook up with girls who are drunk or who seem unsure. Because it doesn't matter how ready you are or how disappointed you feel - you still need consent all the way through. If you don't want to be in a situation where you might ignore someone revoking consent - avoid the situation entirely! You have no one to blame but yourself if you get charged with rape because you put yourself in a situation where you knew it might be difficult for you to back down.

It's hard to listen to 'no' when you're horny as hell - I think lots of people can relate to that. But that's no excuse. If you think you might not have full control when you're hot and heavy, avoid getting into that situation with someone who's unsure or drunk. If you're really worried, avoid that situation completely except with those you are involved in a relationship with.

Anyway, it gets me all worked up to hear about stuff like that. Be careful out there, everyone.

And let me know if you see a bumper sticker with the above quote on it : )

Leos and Svaras and Books, Oh My!

2008-01-18T11:53:00.000-06:00

Well, I thought I should post and assure everyone I made it back from UK-land alive. I also wanted to apologise for not being very available this week to the people who've tried to get in touch or who have commented I'm not as in touch as usual.

First, let me say I will be making a couple posts about my time in the UK, specifically, my adventures getting there and a new years post, mostly to go along with the fabulous pictures and videos I've uploaded to Facebook (if you've not seen them, please go visit!).

The reason I've not be around so much is simply: school. Yea, we're only a week in, but for some reason even I don't fully understand, I'm really feeling driven this semester. This first became evident when I returned from the UK and spent an ungodly amount of time completely cleaning out my room and bathroom - this included finally unpacking from Ecuador (*ashamed face*). Now my room is not only spic-and-span, but also a haven of order and prettiness (I manged to finally hang some pictures and put up some lamps that glow wonderfully in the evenings).

So, five days in, and I'm ahead in all my classes. Well, except programming, because the teacher is kind of nuts and I'm not even sure what we're doing right now. And he hasn't given any clue on what we'll be reading or what we should be doing. But, programming is my 'just for funsies' class anyway, and really is the least of my worries, since its a 'nothing' class, and doesn't count towards my degree.

I guess for many out there being ahead in classes is probably no biggie, but for one thing, this mostly means I've read ahead, and for me, reading textbooks is my biggest procrastination - I hate it! Last semester I didn't read any of my genetics book - too long-winded, too boring. Probably suffered for that though : (. So this week, I've read 2 chapters of microbiology, 4 chapters of prenatal/infant/child nutrition, and read five chapters of neuroscience - which, trust me here, is no easy task. Neuroscience is going to be my hard class this semester. Also, I've gone ahead and started some physics HW, though we're actually behind schedule and haven't finished the chapter yet.

So most of my spare time, even in the mornings before class, is being spent reading - either in the new bookstore, in that hidden little corner with the stuffed chairs that catches the morning and afternoon sun, in Einstein's at lunch, or at home on the couch. When I'm not reading and highlighting, I'm usually trying to keep peace between Svara and the cat I found (whom I've temporarily christened Leo). They hate each other, so I keep Leo in the office for most of the day, but he's lonely and isolated, and hates it, so then I have to put Svara in my room, and let him roam (and make sure he doesn't destroy anything - he's the clumsiest cat I've ever seen (he's a teenager)), and then do the daily 'acclimation' where I let them interact, much to Svara's deep dissatisfaction. Any time when Leo isn't in the office, I pretty much have to be following him around, to break up fights and pick up objects, and if I do sit down, he promptly climbs all over me, making it impossible to do much.

So - that's why I'm not around much! I'm also already sleep-deprived, which bodes really well for the rest of the semester...

But, overall, I'm doing good. I feel good about school, and I'm hoping to find a home for the cat (IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO COULD TAKE IN AN ADORABLE ORANGE CAT LET ME KNOW!!!!).

Well, I feel this post is quite an adequate length, and though I'd love to write more, I'll stop here, for the sake of your aching scroll bars and short attention spans : )

This is Why I'm the Way I Am

2007-12-30T09:28:00.000-06:00

Oh how I hate today. I will not go into all the reason I hate it. It is the same as it always is over here. I am afraid and I am trapped. One should probably not feel so fearful in her parent's home. (Non-pleural possessive on purpose.)
I am wishing so much I was in my own snug apartment, curled on the couch with my cat, or really, with any friend in America, even the distant ones, than here, now. A week and a few days, and I will be back. The beginnings of this week were uneventful, I hope after this ungodly day, it continues this way, though I doubt it. I can't keep doing this, it takes too much out of me. Someday, my own self-preservation will outweigh my duty to my brothers and sisters - after all, they have each other. Step-parents in general should be banned. However, they will not be, as parents in general are selfish, angry, and childish. Then, children from previous marriages should be openly banned, so we can cease to cause such trouble to those who bore us - unwanted ticket stubs from a sham of a marriage that ended almost two decades ago.

As the famous line goes, the pitying soldier leaning over the grossly wounded but still choking body of his enemy - 'For God's sake, he's still alive.'
Finish it, or leave us be.

I Miss my Cat and my Bed

2007-12-28T09:34:00.000-06:00

(Because one loves and snuggles me all the time, and the other doesn't hurt my back.)

I forget exactly why I was thinking I should post last night. I realised that usually I blog more than this while in the UK, esp over Christmas, but I think I've learned that blogging from the UK is a bit like yelling into the wind - not worth much.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good Christmas, and that the end of 2007 looks to be a good one for you. 2008 is dawning slowly, an eventful year for many, I know, as it's the graduation year for most of us '04-ers.

Well, I'm in the UK, and I'll be back on the 8th, as my dad... well, I'm too pissed off to go into it right now.

For those of you who haven't heard, my journey here was quite an adventure. Took WAY longer than it should have, and took WAY more effort than it should have. Let's just say that in one day, I rode in: 1 plane, 1 taxi, 1 car, 2 busses, and 4 trains. All to get from A to B. I'll tell the whole story later.

For Christmas, my presents are thus fairly unremarkable:
Alice - Maltesers (British candy, like Whoppers, but better)
Heather - Cat necklace
Kenneth - New Harry Potter DVD
Libby - Maltesers and House Season 1 (already have, so I'm going to exchange)
Liz - Two good books, two really nice Mackintosh-style cups, Planet Earth poster
Dad - 1 CD, 1 comic book, 1 box Maltesers, 2 packets of instant soup

Yea, I'm about as befuzzled by my dad's present as you probably are. I mean, he often gives some weird food present as a joke, I don't know why, he finds it hilarious. Last year I got chicken-spread. But, usually I get something at least a little noteworthy, like a DVD TV series set or something. Oh well, win some, lose some, I guess.

Well, that's about all the yabber I can muster right now, as I'm in a rather bleb mood. Maybe it's the darkness getting to me. We only get about 8 hours daylight this time of year - 8 to 4. Gets you a bit mixed up, as you look up, it's pitch black, and it's 4:30.

Anyway, look for me by 8th, watch for me by 8th, I'll come to the by 8th, though hell should bar the way. God damnit.

Packing, My Hidden Talent

2007-12-21T13:51:00.000-06:00

I thought I'd write up a post saying that I'm feeling much better today. Well, maybe not much, but at least better. I've an excitingly super-busy morning of last-minute errands that had to be run, and after I finish my quick lunch, I'll commence on the packing. Or at least the organizing for the packing. The difficulty, of course, is Xmas presents, which are going to take up an ass-load of space. And, then I'll get dirty looks from everyone who finds out I'm only going for 2 weeks, and yet I have two bags and a huge-ass carry-on. And I can't explain with 'Christmas Presents' because that would be 'importing goods' and they'd have to get a survey of all I'm bringing to see how much import tax I'm bringing. So, if my bags are searched (thankfully much less likely in the UK than in the US), I'm ready to explain how I'm bringing all this unopened things over 'just to show' and 'for my own personal use' and am totally taking them back to the US. And I'm ready to be searched roughly 6 gazillion times because my carry on will have more electronics in it than a Best Buy (laptop, 2 cameras, Wii, nano, DS, phone, backup phone, and all the hundreds of chargers, cords, transformers, and plug adapters that come with the above).

The only thing I like about packing is that it feeds my slightly OCD inner desire for organization. (This is usually overshadowed by my laziness, but does display itself in certain forms.) In real life, there are always loads of things that don't really fit into good 'categories', so you have to stuff them somewhere. But when you're packing, everything has a place. Clothes, toiletries, electronics, and, for this trip, presents. Then there will be a couple books, and probably a journal, but that's such a small part, it's hardly worth worry. Plus, books are nice and rectangular, so packing them is easy.

The difficult part of packing is organization, especially when travelling with valuables and breakables (ex: Christmas presents). Luckily I don't really have breakables this year, but between presents and Wiimotes, I do have valuables. This means you have to wrap them up, cover them up, and generally hide them, which often messes up the symmetry of packing.

Well, I'd better go start selecting clothes to pack, which will be harder than usual, as I haven't had to fetch out my cold-weather clothes yet this year, so they're still.... who knows where : (.

Ah, well. At least I'm so used to packing that I'm pretty efficient at it.

Perfect Exhaustion

2007-12-21T01:38:00.001-06:00

So I'm here typing once again, instead of being asleep like I should be. Why this time? I don't want to go to Britain. It's been a long while since I was eager to go, but right now I'm just dreading it. There are many reasons, but one is resonating, and has been resonating, so strongly right now.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of life. Which is sad, considering I'm young and 21, and 'the world is my oyster' - whatever that means. I don't even like oysters. I'm tired of getting up in the morning. I'm tired of being alone, tired of lying in planes for hours, tired of navigating layovers and flight changes, tired of packing and unpacking, tired of trying to be a long-distance big sister and daughter to people whose lives function perfectly well without me, tired of fading friends, tired of explaining my life story to anyone who talks to me for more than 5 minutes, tired of being a 'child of divorce', tired of being strong, tired of psychoanalysing my family for my family, tired of surviving the experience of my family, tired of going to bed every night, tired of having to feed my grumbling stomach multiple times a day, tired of trying to figure myself out, tired of adjusting to change, tired of looking for stability, tired of the prospect of 'future', tired of my own past, tired of the present, tired of trying to please everyone, tired of being nagged, tired of being warned, tired of finding lack of happiness in too many places.

It's only two weeks, but it will be exhausting. I will be yelled at, lectured, and generally emotionally abused by my father. I will try to catch up with the ongoing lives of my younger siblings. I will generally be isolated from the world, and probably be yelled at for reading too much. I will be yelled at for a lot of things. I will be tricked and lectured, and miss my cat and my privacy. I will do my best to comfort the young ones, as I have done for so much of my short life, from the yelling and the arguments, and the general hurt my family routinely inflicts upon itself.

But who am I to complain of anything. My father is rich, and I have travelled a lot. Certainly, my life is perfect.

I am so tired of being me.

Six Degrees of Uselessness

2007-12-13T06:23:00.000-06:00

To All of You Who Have Joined the Group 'Six Degrees of Separation':

1 - You do realise that this group proves absolutely nothing related to the initial idea of any two people in the world being connected by 6 people, right? Because the population sample here - it's kind of skewed - being that we're all on a fucking social networking site. (And predominantly American, as well)

2 - You do realise that by just ME absolutely refusing to join this group, I am dooming you and the group to fail in your goal of 'getting everyone on Facebook into one group'. Every person like me dooms you more.

Come on people, use your brains. What exactly did you think this group was going to do???

I laugh in the face of dooming you and your little group. And your little dog Toto, too.

Life, The Java Applet, and Everything

2007-12-07T23:41:00.000-06:00

I know I haven't posted in a while - sorry about that. However, this post probably won't make you feel better because I'm posting just for one small reason that will mean nothing to you, so feel free to skip this one if you want.

Today at my mom's request I sent out an email to some family members linking to my index of finished Java applets from this semester in programming. Horribly simple and unimpressive, it's not much, but whatever, if the family wants it, I can please.

I am a little fond of the last applet because it's a) a game b) has pretty pictures and c) has Christmas sounds. Also, I just finished it, so of course I'm happy because I got it done and all is up to specs. In the email I noted that this was probably the best applet to look at.

Later tonight, I got an email from my dad, my real dad, in England, saying that he'd done quite well matching up the cards on the game with the music.

My father, the crazy man, the Lord, the control freak, actually read (not scanned) an email I sent, actually followed a link in the email, actually bothered to figure out which game I was directing people towards, and actually played the game.

I still can't quite believe it. Never in a million years was I expecting that, for my dad to sit down and actually pay close attention to something small that I'd done that he is generally disdainful of. Let alone play a childishly simple matching game just because I wrote it and send out a link about it.

It's really made my day, maybe week. Of course he pays attention to the 'important' stuff, the ochem, the biology, etc. But he's never shown any interest (even fake) at all in my love of programming.

I know my life sometimes doesn't fit the average idea of what life should be - hell, it doesn't even fit my fairly modest standards, which mostly revolve around stability, caring, and everyone getting along for once. But, I have my kitty, I have new pyjamas, my dad played my Java applet, and I have Christmas lights up.

It's not all that bad, life.

Everywhere I Go

2007-11-22T03:35:00.000-06:00

So it's like negative 3million o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake, doing nothing. Well, ok, so I am doing something. I'm spending about positive 3million dollars at iTunes because I've finally got my new iPod nano up and running and I can't resist : (. But I felt like communicating with someone, and no one is awake, apparently, at this insane hour.

Ah, 'White & Nerdy'. Who doesn't love that song? I might have to add that one to my catalogue of memorized rap songs. If you're curious, that so far consists of 'Baby Got Back' and 'What's Your Fantasy' by Ludacris. I think I have a gene that makes me find incredible amounts of pleasure in singing dirty rap songs out of a white girl mouth, even if no one else is around to listen with eyebrows raised and incredulous laughter. And come on, that Ludacris song is just plain fun. "How 'bout up in the library, on top of books, but you can't be too loud."

Wow, I just noticed that I think Regina Spektor is wearing my 'birthday shoes' in her video Fidelity. I feel honored, yey.

Well, am I being rambley enough? Right now I feel a really strong urge to meet people, which is really rare for me. Too bad it's 4am, because it would probably be a good idea to take advantage of that urge while I have it.

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving, eh? Well, what do you think about that. Personally, I am happy about the food. The sad thing is, for the second year, my sister is not around. We like to go to the Black Friday sales, not really to buy anything, but just to mill around with the people. This probably sounds really, really weird. Especially since we have to get up at like 3:30am to get to civilization by 5am from my Grandmother's house in the country. But, that's why we go together - we both get why it's incredibly fun. (And understand that it really doesn't have anything to do with purchasing anything.) Maybe that's just what happens when you raise two girls in airports for far too much of their lives.

In case you can't tell, I'm in a state of general happiness at the moment. I'm in my brand-new un-worn PJs (they were way too warm to wear before now, which reminds me - HEY!! The temperature finally dropped!!! And I heard it might even snow tomorrow night!!! Can you believe it!? I should close this parenthesis now before I forget it's open.), have a new iPod full of music with a *beautiful* screen, and have a new Thanksgiving shirt to wear tomorrow, and the weather is cold, and I have 3 good science-y books to read (Birth, Medical Ethics, The Mating Mind). I have good music, and I have a little stuffed animal friend that even has a jingle bell attached, and I'm hungry. Well, that last one isn't really something happy, but it's something. Unfortunately I'd probably wake someone up to get food, so I should probably sleep instead.

I feel happily hopeful and very Emma-ish at the moment, which is just the way I like it. For those of you who know me well, if you were here, I'd be smiling and giggling, and maybe even singing and dancing and hugging. And for no particular reason. But you know what, I like it when I like being me, because honestly, I'm pretty awesome, and I'm lucky I didn't end up being a chicken or something. So bring out the Emma!

Atheist Scientists Cause Rise of League of Whores!

2007-11-05T09:48:00.000-06:00

Well, everyone, I have some bad news. You see, last Friday, I got the first injection of the HPV ('cervical cancer') vaccination series. Yes, you know what this means. From now on, I simply have no reason not to sleep with every man, woman, and quadruped beast I met. Yes, I have begun transformation.

As I am sure is the case with many of you, it was just HPV that was holding me back in God's holy command of not greeting everyone I meet with a 'quickie'. Sure, I was informed about how sex can lead to pregnancy, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, HIV, Hep B, crabs, and even trichomoniasis, but nothing really hit home like HPV/herpes/cervical cancer. I mean, a baby - meh. A bloody, pus-y*, potentially-sterilizing disease - meh. But abnormal pap smears? Now that caught my eye. You know, nothing else was really serious.

I, for one, am really glad that God put HPV on this Earth. I mean, without the threat of cervical cancer, how else am I supposed to stop myself from having crazy random sex?? You'd almost think I was supposed to rely on my own moral and/or religious convictions!!! Hahaha!

So, of course, I'm really upset that these meddling atheist scientists have come up with a drug that takes away a God-given punishment for bonking like bunnies. How else are we supposed to be deterred from our actions if not through being responsible for them?? I mean, what do you think they'll come up with next?? Drugs that help you control your cholesterol levels so you don't have to be responsible for those years of gluttony? Surgery to help you shun responsibility for your earlier sin of sloth? Vaccinations that let you get away with close bodily contact and insufficient cleanliness??

This intervening is simply being taken too far! And now I, too, have fallen victim to the God-murdering ways of modern science, and must begin to spend my nights on the street corners. If only there were some other reason I could think of not to have sex! If only someone had taught me at a young age that there were multiple very good reasons to not have sex like a rampant rabbit in spring! And that even if one of those reasons was taken away because of some so-called 'life-saving' vaccine, the others (including those of my own personal convictions) remained! Oh woe upon us all!!

* Couldn't really find much guidance on making an adjective of 'pus' without God mayhap thinking I was typing something dirty.

C'est Amusant

2007-11-01T13:10:00.001-05:00

I thought I'd give a little post about something that's amused me lately - my email. I regularly get emails from The Times (that would be the one based in London, not New York or whatever) due to a story I'm not going to explain. But I've been getting them for years now, so I'm somewhat fond of them, even though I rarely read them and just press 'delete'.

Anyway, in the last week or so I've had a few that caused me slight amusement. Here's three that arrived, in descending chronological order:

You can just hear the doom approaching, can't you? I bet you never knew we needed to act now. Anyway, I realise now that I'm probably the only one that finds this funny. Oh well, I am attracted to the way it builds up.

In other news, I'm wondering if maybe the manager at Einstein's searched 'einstein's bagels tcu' and found my blog (and my recent post about Einstein's) on the second results page, as recently he's been very friendly, remembered my name, and made joking small talk with me. Also, another one of the regular girls has learned my name. I have no idea if he did read my blog post, or if that was just creepy coincidence. Either way, it's nice, and I appreciate it.

I guess that's about all that's happening in my life at the moment. Pretty boring, really - just the norm. The Purple Bike Program is going great, for all those that care, and my only wish would be that I could spend more time on it. We're going to start a donation site soon where people can encourage friends and family to donate (tax-deductible and carbon-footprint-reducing) money towards their 'account'. When they hit $500, we order a Purple Bike they can use until they graduate. (Then it goes to the program.) We'll still have the regular 'check-out' bikes, of course, but this is a good way to increase the fleet. The only sad thing is that the program itself won't get the bikes until long after I'm gone, most likely.

Well, I'll shut up, since I think long posts turn people off. Hum dum.

Where to Stand

2007-10-24T08:29:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I'm a big advocate of healthy lifestyle and healthy eating. While my healthy lifestyle could use some improvements (I hardly ever exercise - though I did just by DDR for my Wii and am trying to get active on it every day), I do try to walk a lot and take the stairs. And I do put a lot of effort into eating healthily. I don't count calories and I don't ban carbs, but I do try and keep my intake of fat, salt, and sugar low. And I encourage others to do so. Obesity, heart disease - thats a nasty-ass way to go, and an even nastier way to live out the rest of your life.

On the other hand, though, I'm very much for healthy lifestyle and healthy diet. Wait, you say, that's just what you said. Yea, but now I'm coming from the other direction. In my 21 years of breathing on this planet, I've met a really scary number of girls and young women with eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia, and girls who compulsively exercise. People that definitely don't need to be worrying about obesity (but should still be worrying about heart disease, though a different form than the obesity-linked kind - brought about by lack of protein and other nasties).

So on the one hand I stand up and I talk about eating less and exercising more. Then I turn around and talk about eating more and exercizing less.

On the one hand, I hate the pressure so many women feel to have these perfect, skinny bodies and the unbelievable insecurity so many women feel when their bodies aren't pefect. Many girls can probably relate to this, but many guys might fall over backwards two or three times if really exposed to this in raw form.
On the other hand, I hate the fact that a fourth of our country is obese, and that we live in a cheap, fast, and easy society where we eat what we please and seek cures at 40, instead of preventing the problem at 20. And I hate the denial. 'I'll get healthy later' 'No really, I feel fine, I must be fine' 'I'm big-boned'

One side says I need to be skinny to be loved, I need to see ribs to be sexy, I hate my body.
The other says It's not my fault, I don't have time, this is what a real woman looks like.

How do you possibly reconcile these two extremes?? But then, is this just another example of the polarization of America?* It's a dilemma (Can't have a dilemma without Emma®) I've faced a few times when posting. Often I ignore it, but it still nags. If I post something about forgetting society's expectations for a super-skinny celeb body, am I nudging aside the obsity crisis? If I post something about healthy eating, losing weight, and working out, am I further pressuring our anorexic female youth?

I recognise that my little posts are not going to make much difference either way in the grand scheme, but the integrity of my writing is important to me, if nothing else, and it's important that I'm not slicing into my own values unintentionally.

I realise this post is rather unstructured and all over, but I'm short on time, as usual. Anyone have thoughts on this?

By the way, all of this was triggered when I thought of posting a list I came across that I liked. You can view this post-starter here.

* A quick Google revealed I may be using a term that's been built up to mean more than I realise it does. I'm using it as a construction of English words, not as a concept or term - please translate accordingly.

Red or Blue

2007-10-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

So I'm supposed to have this list of posts I'm working down, but I'm hyper, un-tired, bored, and slightly down, and overall feeling disagreeable, so screw my list.

Instead, I will talk about, hm. Jello. I'm eating some sugar-free jello, since I'm trying to eat more healthily, which means less sugar (causes blood-sugar spikes that just leave you craving more sugar). But I swear it tastes faintly of cough syrup. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten cherry. Probably should have gone with orange.

Here's something for you to mull over:
Bear Grylls (from Man vs Wild) might have been a cheating little bitch when it came to surviving in the wild, but I tell you what, he was a hell of a lot easier on the eyes (and ears - oh the accent) while fake-surviving than baldy round-faced Survivorman (from Survivorman). And, Survivorman is kind of boring. He doesn't have nearly the same way of describing what he's doing in an exciting way.

I feel a little bad saying looks and excitement over skill, but hell, if I ever get stranded in Rocky Mountains do you really think since I watched Survivorman or Man vs Wild I'll survive? Honestly, I know the only show I take real advice from is Doctor Who. For example, I learned that I should be wary of any hospital run by cat-people, because they're probably doing illegal and immoral experiments on clones in the basement.
Surviorman is pretty cool for having the same kick-ass hat as me, though. But why has this loser decided to go fishing at night when he just talked about some poisonous fish you can stand on?

After watching him eat a load of coconut, though, I'm totally craving SukhoThai, which may be one of the best restaurants in the world. Wait, this guy just claimed to make a ukulele from a couple of coconuts. I'm pretty sure you can't do that very easily.

Well, though I'm not tired, and though I'm fidgety (at least partly because of the change in weather, which excites me) and disagreeable, I guess I should go get some sleep so I can do physics in the morning before class.

Oh, but before I go. I've decided to buy an iPod nano with my birthday money (yes, I've been holding onto it all this time), but I can't decide between red and blue. What's your vote?

To Bagel Guy: Thanks

2007-10-10T10:36:00.000-05:00

I have a back-log of post topics building up, and that hasn't happened in a while.
Here is my list of topics:
- California/Fall Break (half written, saved as draft)
- Communication differences in males/females, from info I learned in my sociology class
- Cell phones in school
- Einstein Bagel Bros
- Slightly randomized post on kindergarten and social convention
(That's as much for my benefit as yours.)

I'm going to have to get busy posting, really. Especially since some of them are time-sensitive, like the bagel one, the Cali one (obviously), and the sociology one (so I can most accurately recall.)

But today, The Bagel One.

As some of you may know, I eat lunch and/or a snack at Einstein Bagel Bros on University at least 3 times a week, sometimes 4. Sometimes I go twice in one day. I've been going to Einstein's for lunch since the beginning of last year, and have gone, since then, multiple times a week.

Since beginning of spring semester last year, I have ordered the same thing for lunch - Can I have a Veg Out on Sesame Bagel with no onions, please, side? just a piece of fruit, Emma, for here, just water. If I'm doing a snack, that's always the same too - Can I have a toasted sesame bagel with plain cream cheese please, Emma, for here, just water.

So obviously, I like this place. I'm a 'regular,' as they say. I know the building, recognize some of the other regulars, and have the ordering routine down. I know the manager and a couple of the workers, though most don't seem to stick around more than a couple months. I know when someone is on shift when they usually aren't. I know when someone's the new. I know when they didn't make my order as per the apparent guidelines. I know how they make a lot of their stuff as least as well as, and sometimes probably better than, the workers.

So over the last year and 2.3 months, I've gotten to recognise the few consistent workers and the manager. And it seems like one of the consistant workers at least recognizes me as someone she sees a lot, though doesn't show it in any way. From time to time a worker who's there for a month or so has gotten to know my name. But, over all this time, only one worker has actually taken the time and energy to really pay attention to the fact that I was in the fucking place giving them tonnes of profit three-four times a week.

I never knew his name. I kept meaning to look at his name tag, but I always forget, and now I'll probably never know. He was in his mid-thirties, maybe, and at first I was a little uncertain of him because he was so friendly. But, as time passed and he took more and more of my Veg Out orders, he took the time to learn my name and learn my order.

Then he took the energy to recognise I was a regular and go a little further than that. When I came in through the door he'd always yell 'Hey!' and when I left, he'd always yell 'Thanks, Emma!' - causing me to be very embarrassed, but smile. When there was a group of people blocking the ordering queue trying to decide what they wanted, he'd step to the side and take my order, because he knew I already knew what I wanted - might as well get someone busy making it while these idiots make up their minds. If there wasn't any fruit or fruit cups left, I'd obligingly go without and take my tray to my table, and often he'd appear a little later and casually slip a fruit cup he'd gotten from somewhere (sometimes the $3.50 'meal sized' one that I wasn't 'allowed' as a side without paying extra) onto my table, saying 'Look what I found.' When my food was ready, he'd call out my name, and then bring it over to my table before I could go to the counter to pick it up. He was always friendly and always smiling. Even if he'd never given me free fruit salads, I appreciated him just acknowledging that I was spending a fairly good amount of money and time at his workplace and being friendly because of it.

I wish that some of the other employees had picked up on his example. Obviously, he was really, really nice, which you can't expect. I don't need 'Hey's and 'Thanks's when I enter or leave Einsteins, but remembering my name or making a general comment like 'nice to see you again' is, in my mind, something any good business should try to do for regular customers. And if nothing else, they can do some little things.
For example, today I ordered a bagel with cream cheese, and when I got it, discovered that it had but a mere smudge of cream cheese on it. (This was because they had a new employee preparing the bagels.) I didn't want to complain, or make a fuss; I know she's new. So I just went up to the counter and asked for a little container of plain cream cheese from the new employee, as I have done in the past. It's never caused a problem. But, this time the manager overheard me, and walked over with the new employee to the cream cheese, glancing back at me. Then he walks over to me and asks me "Is this something extra, you wanted on the side?" Translation: We're going to charge you for this 1 square inch tub of cream cheese. "Well, it's just that there wasn't much on my bagel," I replied. I've been here a zillion times, I know how much they're supposed to put on. I know my allotted amount. He looked doubtful. So I held up my bagel, displaying it's meager cheese-ness. He conceded, and the girl brought me the cream cheese, while he mumbled to her, "Be sure and use the scoop or you don't get the right amount."

Now, I have seen this guy hundreds of times. I can tell that he recognises me from the way he looks at me - you know, that recognition you can see in people's eyes. He's never once acknowledged the fact that I regularly choose to spend my money at his franchise. The above situation would have been a great way to acknowledge that they recognise me as a valued regular customer. The amount of money I've spent with them has far exceeded what they will lose by not charging me for a tiny container of cream cheese - he's not going to lose monetarily. And obviously I did get my cream cheese in the end. But in my mind, he should have let it slide, not interrogated me. If he doesn't want to appear negligent, he could make a point of it being a favor, a thanks for my business.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned; maybe you all think I expect too much? Maybe society's moved forward too much and nobody gives a damn. I guess Einstein's doesn't have a lot to lose from not being a little nicer to a regular customer - being near TCU gives them a thriving customer base. But the manager himself could gain. I recognise extra effort, and, in turn, I'll thank someone for it, usually by way of a generous tip. (I don't tip regularly at Einstein's - I don't really feel like I need to, they make a killing off me - just $5 every few weeks or so. And it's not like they're bringing the food to my table or refilling my drinks.) I guess I learned this from my dad - it's possibly one of his best qualities. He may be an asshole, but if you go out of your way or are even just extra nice to him, he will notice it, and chances are, you will get something from him in thanks - wine, presents, money. (He keeps half-size bottles of wine in the trunk of his car as impromptu thank-yous for people he meets who go out of their way to help him.)

Anyway, the awesome dude from Einsteins told me two Friday's ago, as he brought me my sesame bagel, that it was his last day, and that he was going elsewhere. I'm generally shy, and don't think I'd said more than my order and 'thanks' to him before then, but I told him I was sad to see him go. After I finished eating, I went up to him at the counter and pressed $10 in his hand (if I'd had $20, he would have gotten that), and thanked him again for always being so nice to me. He was a great guy, and I always enjoyed seeing him at lunch, even if I was too shy to do more than smile at his kind remarks. I must say that if he was there now, I'd probably be bothering to get lunch instead of in here writing this. But because of this morning, I'm in no hurry to go back since I'm not starving.

So, Einstein Brother's guy who worked on University and befriended a long-haired girl called Emma, if, by some strange chance you ever do end up reading this, which I know is very unlikely, thanks again. Continue being as kind as you are wherever you're working now, and I hope you are duly rewarded in life.

You Might Be A Classical Music Nerd If...

2007-10-08T08:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm in an exceptionally good mood right now, as I've just finished listening to my new CD - Strictly Sousa - a collection of Sousa marches performed by the Dallas Wind Symphony. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for marches and marching bands, despite being a self-declared hard-core orchestra geek. I always try to catch the WRR 101.1 March of the Day, which plays at the odd time of 7:35 every morning. (But, with my new CD, I need no longer depend on it to get my blood going in the morning!) It might be 'Liberty Bell', 'Washington Post', and 'Stars and Stripes Forever'* every morning now : P. (And yes, I know those are the most generically enjoyed ones, but come on, they're greatness. And anyway, I'm more experienced in string and full orchestras.)

So as for the title: You might be a classical music nerd if....
You collect your mail one night and are overjoyed because it contains
- A new CD of Sousa marches
- Sheet music from your orchestra director, asking you to look it over, come to any practice possible, and play in the next concert because he's dangerously low on strings
- Your season ticket to the Ft Worth Symphony Orchestra's Pops Concert Series

So that's my excitement in life at the moment. Is there nothing classical music can't do? Well, maybe classical music and programming combined. That might, in fact, be the recipe for life happiness.

All of you will be overjoyed, I know, to hear that Svara is safely back with me as of 7am this morning. My plane ended up getting in late last night, and I had to leave her another night, poor kitty. She seems very relieved to be back at home.

* I just realised I have no idea how to format music titles in writing. Italics? Quotes? If you know, let me know.

Worried About Kitty

2007-10-03T08:42:00.001-05:00

I had to drop Svara off this morning at the vet's, and I'm feeling horrible about it. I've never had to leave her alone without anyone she knew before - usually my mom or a friend can take care of her if I'm off somewhere. But now she'll have to spend 5 days all alone. And not only will she be alone, but she's due for vaccines before she can be boarded, so she has to get those today. And she has a reaction to them. So today, even though she'll be in the best place, under observation and with people who can help keep her safe is she gets sick like last time, she'll be alone, and feeling like crap, and wondering where I am, and why I'm not there to make her feel better. And then, 4 more days of wondering why she's been abandoned without a friend in sight.

Poor Kitty. I know it's the only option, but I still feel horrible, leaving her all alone in a strange place.

WARNING: Religious Post

2007-10-01T09:41:00.001-05:00

Often, when I look back through old posts, I'm fairly impressed with what I write. True, a lot of it is psycho-babble, but I'm proud of a few where I, at least, think I make a good point. Of course, I'm probably more than a little biased, as they are by me, and they probably do make more sense to me, since I did write them, but still.

This morning I was contemplating religion while playing sudoku, which made me come into the library and look up some old posts I made on religion. As some of you may or may not remember, 4.5 years ago (god that was ages ago) I wrote a post that lay out the culmination of many weeks, perhaps even more, of thoughts on religion. Almost five years later, I still stand by the main points of this end result. I thought maybe I'd revisit the topic, and try to clarify and simplify from the jumble of words that makes up that original post. So, here's fair warning. If you didn't like the original or don't want a recap, or just hate going back in time, scuttle away. Similarly, if you have a shaky foundation in your own religious beliefs and avoid all other religions/religious ideas in the fear that your faith will be shattered, or just don't like religious topics, run away quickly!

I was never one very comfortable with the idea of sins and of the absolute word of the Bible. I remember in high school I knew a few people with many different conflicting ideas about what God wanted/didn't want, what really pissed him off, what was a sin, and how to get into heaven. It all seemed so complicated. But from other things they said, it seemed like it should be much more simple. From the words of those who 'knew,' God was described as two things overall: ever-loving and ever-forgiving. And, coming in third, the father, or parent, of humanity. So I started with that - the three things that seemed most likely to be true - God loves us, He forgives us, and He's the ultimate parent.

This is getting a little somber for me, as personally I like to take religion and God with some salsa and humour, but for now, we'll keep it simple, and thus somber.

From God being the ultimate parents, you can obviously redraw the idea of idea of Him being loving and forgiving, but you can add that He wants what any parent wants: for us to be happy. I can't think of any parents I know that, at the end of the day, want differently. Of course there are exceptions, but I'm thinking they're probably not good models to use for figuring out 'the ultimate parent'.

From God loving us and God wanting us to be happy, the conclusion can be drawn that God probably is not down with people hurting or killing each other - since that's usually a pretty big downer on the other person's happiness.

From the above, the two ideas that make up my whole religious belief:
1. Do Not Infringe on the Happiness of Others
2. To Thine Own Self Be True

1 is pretty self-explanatory. There are some puzzles, such as euthanasia and suicide, but that comes down to (as far as I know) the one and only dilemma in my two little kernels of religion: What is happiness? Is the person's happiness really decreasing or being infringed upon if they're asking to be killed because they're going to die slowly and painfully anyway? Is it if they feel they've got no happiness in this life anyway and would rather zip off to whatever's next? First, it's obviously different for every situation. Secondly, I don't believe I'm in a position to know conclusively what's best for someone else.

The same issue is presented in 2. 'To thine own self be true.' That's Shakespeare, by the way - and one of my favorite quotes. In non-quote-speak, it means do what makes you happy, don't do what hurts you, don't do what impedes your own happiness. Obviously, we can't always be happy all the time, and we all must do things that make us unhappy, like take out the garbage. But looking at a bigger picture, is your lifestyle making you happy? Are your actions making you happy? Is your job or schooling making you happy, or setting you on a path to something that will make you happy?

Therein lies the rub: (that's misquoted Shakespeare, BTW) to be honest enough with yourself to admit when you're not happy. It's so very easy to convince yourself you are, when if you drag away the self pity and denial, you're really not as happy as you could be or you want to be. Again, it's different for everyone, and again, I don't think I can say conclusively what makes anyone truly happy. Sure, I can give you advice about whether I think what you're doing is really a good idea, but it comes down to looking inward, being honest, and deciding for yourself.

AND THAT IS SO HARD! In my experience, being true to yourself is one of the hardest things in the world. I'm willing to vouch that often we really don't even know what makes us happy, let alone can admit that we're not happy. And that doesn't even touch on the fact that once you do figure out you're unhappy, you've got to actually do something differently to get happy!

And of course, you can't really get much help. You can get advice, but no one else can really tell you if you're happy or not, because your individual happiness is different from anyone else's. I mean, they can, and they might be right, but it's up to you to recognize that they're right in yourself. And there are obviously some things that make most people happy, but overall, we all have individual happinesses.

So this is both the greatness and the difficulty of the second idea:
1. It's individual! There are no set rules. So loving and having sex with a guy makes you happy, really happy. Great! Go forth and be happy! So going to church and reading the Bible makes you happy. Great! Go forth and be happy! So having sex with people for money makes you happy. Great! Go forth and be happy!
I might not be able to see how that brings you happiness. I might feel that it's impossible for that to bring you happiness. But who am I to judge? I'm not you, I'm not God. If you're being true to yourself, and honestly doing what makes you happy, you will love life, you will be happy.

2. It's individual! There are no set rules. The responsibility is on you to figure out your own rules. Sorry, but the Bible just became like the Pirate's Code: "more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules." Maybe the ideas presented in there will make you happy, maybe they won't. It's here that I can see why so many turn to organized religion. It's much easier. They lay out the rules, you follow them, and they tell you the rules'll make you happy and give you a good afterlife, cuz God'll like you. No need for introspection and brutal, painful honesty.

So what if you're not happy. Is it a sin? Will God punish you? Will it keep you from heaven (more on heaven later)? Why would it need to be a sin or keep you out of heaven? You've just lived your life not truly happy, not experiencing all the great things you might have. I'd say you probably suffered exactly proportionally to how far from actual personal happiness you were. Not really much need for further punishment. Will God be mad? Personally, I highly doubt it. In relation to him, with this omniscience and his universal powers and ability to create life, etc, we're like 3-year-olds. I see Him being much more sad that we weren't as happy as he knew we could have been and would have loved more than anything to have seen us be than angry that we did something wrong. Maybe He'll remark that He hopes we learned something from that experience, and hopes we make better choices next time (if there is a next time), but I can't imagine much more than that from an ever-loving, ever-forgiving ultimate parent.

Lastly, I'll touch quickly on heaven. Is there one? Hell, I donno. I'd like to think there's something just because it makes me sad to think of never seeing my friends and family again. But if there's nothing after this life, I doubt I'll be worrying about it much, either.
Honestly, I think the idea of heaven is dangerous. I've met many people who seem to be living just to die because they're so convinced of this wonderful, glorious heaven. To me it seems like the best idea is to live life like it's all you get. Heaven is like a bonus round - if it's there, great, if not, at least you had a great time while you were alive. Relying on heaven seems about as smart as relying on your teacher to drop a test grade - in theory it seems like a great back-up plan, but in reality there's a good chance you'll end up leaning on that crutch way too much, and then when it never happens, you're kind of fucked.

To fill in the extra few minutes I have, I also don't think there's a hell. If you really really messed up on Earth, say, intentionally killing some people, my own personal belief is when you get to heaven you will be given the insight, knowledge, and understanding, to really, truly comprehend what you've done to the point where you feel 100% honest remorse, sadness, and pain about what you did. You'll be in a lot of pain when you first get that dose of understanding, but once you've truly understood your actions and torn your heart out and wept for what you've done, need there be more punishment? The past can't be undone, definitely not so by hurting you. The next best thing, it seems, is ultimate remorse and pain from understanding and feeling the pain you created. And then, a chance to be forgiven and to heal.

Honestly, I think that's what happens to all of us if/when we go to heaven. We all get a dose of understanding and insight and feel ourselves the pain we caused others in our lives, whether minor or major. We mourn and hurt for those we hurt, and then we are forgiven, and we slowly heal, and learn.

Well, that's my religious ramble. It was good to pass the time.

Want to Know Something Weird?

2007-09-28T06:58:00.000-05:00

The girl who happened to sit down next to me in chemistry lab's best friend's fiancée is my best friend. Kind of a crazily small world, eh?

I'm Not Sure Who I Am

2007-09-27T16:00:00.000-05:00

I'm so full of anger. And I have no patience. Everything that anybody does irritates me, and I'm constantly impatient. I wonder if maybe some part of me thinks if I can hurry things up I'll get to 'the good part' - the one that doesn't actually exist.

Do you wonder about yourself in the third person? About your mental state? I do it constantly. I've always felt like I'm simply an observer to my own being/thoughts. That's why, so often, I say 'I wonder if I think' or 'I wonder if some part of me thinks'. I analyse my own reactions, actions, moods, and feelings to get a grasp of what mental state I'm in, what my mind is doing behind my back. Or behind my brain. That's really the only way I can gauge myself. Is that normal? It never occurred to me that it might not be, but I realised that I don't usually hear other people say the above two phrases nearly as often as I say them myself.

I bring this up now because I'm rather afraid. I know the inner me, the one I watch - I mean, hell, I've been an observer for 21 years now. But I'm not behaving or reacting like past experience dictates that I should. And I'm kind of scared. I can't explain why, and I don't know why. I'm empty, cold, and angry. Every single person I interact with, from acquaintances (ok, I'm lying, make that singular) at school to a girl sitting near me in the library to the cashier at the store, infuriates me. Thankfully I've enough self control to keep my cool and behave as normally as possible.
But all that anger.

I don't let myself think of anything. Anything but L&O and hw. I deny myself thoughts of anything else. Repress, hold in, dismiss. Any of you who know me well, know this isn't normal. No, no - I'm the one who argued with my psychiatrist so strongly last year that I couldn't take anti-depressants because then I wouldn't feel things fully, as I believe everyone should - because then you learn best and recover best. I've read psychology books. Repression = bad. = Crazy. = Mass murderers and such.

I think I might be on a quest to become a non-person. Watch tv, do homework. Watch tv, do homework. One - neither of those things infuriates me, like people do right now. Two - neither of those things are likely to fail me. If I can simplify my life down to that, then I need not worry about anything more.

As long as I'm busy, I can be a robot - albeit one that feels like it's inner cogs are slipping and something is very, very wrong. When I'm not busy, I'm bottomlessly depressed and out of hope - living for tv and homework isn't much to live for.

I wish I would go ahead and go crazy, or go dead. Head explosion, maybe. I need something to break, or something to change. Because right now I might be on the path to becoming dangerous.

Be Safe, Kids - Say NO to Unhandled Exceptions

2007-09-26T19:38:00.000-05:00

I managed to lighten my mood somewhat, so I thought I'd make a post of it. So what was this miracle, you ask? Why, programming, of course.

I was assigned a 'lab' yesterday that's due in... two weeks. For those of you who don't know, I'm in a brain-numbingly easy intro to programming class for a reason that's too long of a story for me to bother telling you now.

So I decided to code the program tonight, and did. Met all the requirements and such. It's a very simple Java applet that lets you divide numbers if you put them in boxes. (And another even stupider function.) Of course, if you try and parse a string to an int (or double) and it's not all numbers, it throws an exception. Remember those? Of course, it doesn't actually do much in the visible part of the program, so we were supposed to let those go. But I didn't like all the angry red lines in NetBeans (and I also don't like the idea of people trying to divide words in my 'Number Divider' without a scolding) so I handled that exception. Somehow, that gave me very much joy.

You can go marvel over the stupid simplicity and (required) eye-fucking colors of my little applet here: http://stuwww.tcu.edu/emmahodcroft/Lab4/Lab4.html

On a side-note, I realised the other day that my favorite Java and/or C++ segment of code would have to be else if. I think this is because it seems so reassuring. 'Oh, that didn't work out? Don't worry! We have a back-up plan! Everything's going to be fine!' I like the idea of there being another option after something has failed.

You might think this relates specifically to now, but it doesn't. I've always felt a little happiness at 'else if's, I just never really realised why before.

Long live, my little blue friend.

If You Can't Join 'Em, Beat 'Em

2007-09-24T17:12:00.001-05:00

This my logic:
The chances of me getting on Cash Cab are pretty much nil - I've never been to NY and I don't think I'll be going soon.
So, if I can't get on Cash Cab and win a couple hundred, I figure I should sue the show for dangerous driving. I mean, hosting a game show while driving a cab can't be safe. I also figure I'll get much more money that way. Assuming I win, anyway.

Just a thought.

Or, if they'll fly me to New York and just have a go in the Cab, I'll drop the case.

(The title of this post made me think of something else. When people write 'i hate em' in chat windows, it always makes me do a double-take, since I reflexively think of 'Em' as me.)

Post-Less

2007-09-24T09:51:00.000-05:00

I've been trolling random blogs and articles for the last 20 or so minutes, trying to find something to post about. I'm in the mood to post, but I really can't think of much to say.

To pass some time while I think of something else, I'll comment on this:
I often use the word 'trolling' in the traditional, pre-internet sense, which is taken from the style of fishing by the same name, that means to search around for something, often implied that the searching is done in a wandering manner with a find being based more on chance of luck than on anything else. When I use it now, though, I wonder if people automatically jump to the post-internet definition, which has to do with flaming forums and generally being an annoying bastard. When I say that, am I in danger of making people think I'm going around being an asshole while looking for a topic to post about, or can the majority of the population still process that as I mean it?

Well, I never did find anything else to post about.

September and October are Busy Time

2007-09-20T21:00:00.001-05:00

Well I thought I'd make a little post, since my life is quite lively at the moment. So I'll tell you all the things going on! Hm, where to start. Well, I'll start out with the not-so-great and rather stressful stuff, then move on to happier things!

Not-So-Great:
- My mom left today for a month-long trip to England, Yemen, UAE, and India. I'm a little sad that she'll be gone so long. Today, however, was a strange little role-reversal. She called me from the airport to say her last byes. Usually I'm the one calling her from past security, and she always tells me, 'Send me a text as soon as you land let me know you arrived safely.' Today it was me demanding the same of her. And I'm sure she's usually glancing at the clock and imagining where I am over the Atlantic - today that's been my job. Anyway, it should be a really fun trip for her.

- My dad finally cut off my sister. Apparently she came home with a lip-ring, and he told her that was it. No more money for anything, college, room & board, etc.

Good!:
- Tomorrow, I start horseback riding lessons. Crazy, I know! It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Within about half an hour of finding a website I was hanging up the phone after booking myself a riding lesson. I'm both excited and apprehensive. Oh well! Should be a laugh.

- Tomorrow is homecoming parade for TCU. Usually that's not my thing, but last year I ended up going by myself when I stumbled across it after chem lab, and I had a good time. They have a marching bad (which I am always fond of), fireworks, bbq, games, booths, a parade of floats, free candy, and prize giveaways. Overall, not a bad way to spend an evening.

- First weekend in October, for fall break, I'm going to Stanford to visit Tri! Turns out TCU is playing Stanford the weekend after that for Stanford's homecoming. Tri mentioned it to me, and I mentioned it to my mom, who had some free tickets on Southwest that expire soon. So, off I go! I've never really been to California in any way that counts, so I'll see what it's like.

- The weekend after that, I'm going with Katie and KChris to see 'Star Wars and Beyond: A John Williams Tribute' at the Bass! You have to buy a season ticket to go to this concert, so we're all buying Pops Series season tickets (on student discount) from the Ft Worth Symphonic Orchestra. So we'll be concert-going for the season : ).

- Finally, that same weekend, Katie and I are taking a two day women's self-defence class at TCU. We'll be kicking ass in no time.

Well, I think that's everything. Certainly busy! And, Purple Bike Program business is booming.

Anyway, I'm going to go sleep, cuz my eyes are going to fall out soon.

A Note

2007-09-16T19:09:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd say something in general about my posting. I tend to post in the evening or night, which, unfortunately, is usually when I'm in my worst state of the day. Don't assume that's how I am all day long.

At the moment I feel like everyone underestimates my understanding, my handling ability, and my desires.
But I do have a few questions, mostly from curiosity, that I'd like to have answered, simply because I don't understand and would like to.

Well, that's all. I think I'll take a nap. Nighty night.

Confused, Sad

2007-09-15T08:37:00.000-05:00

I'm glad this looks like it will end peacefully... I hope it really does. Despite what some may think, I really, really didn't want to have to take it any further.

But now that my anger is gone, where do I get my strength? Suddenly I'm drained. Relieved, but suddenly vulnerable. A weight's been lifted off my chest, but I'm suddenly sad. I feel once more like the abandoned and unwanted.

Thursday night I didn't sleep well because I thought someone was repeatedly knocking on my door and calling my phone. Last night I slept very well, had no fears of such actions, but had sad, sad dreams again, for the first time in a while.

What do I do? How do I stop feeling like the worthless one?

Evolving Emma

2007-09-05T09:13:00.000-05:00

Ever have those moments in life when you realise you've changed in a very specific way? Most of the time when you look back over a time period, you can identify that you've changed in some way or another, since usually that's what life's about, but I can't say I've ever, before now, had the experience to be in a situation and actually realise "I am reacting very differently now with little concious effort than I would have in the past."

But that's happened to me twice recently. In one trying situation I won't delve into, I've surprised myself by remaining calm and collected. While I'd like to say that I've been able to do that for years now, it'd be a lie. When I get upset, I usually go a little crazy.

The other example is my birthday party, which was two weeks ago Friday. As those of you who were there might know, things didn't quite go according to plan - we ran late, had to move the restaurant reservation, and lost the bar reservation. In the past, this would have flustered me, and I would have hassled people to hurry up, stick to schedule, and try and make up for lost time. But instead, without even making the effort, I simply shrugged and went with the flow. So we have to move the reservation. Not the end of the world. Then, instead of trying to rush to the bar, let's take a vote and see what most people want to do. So we missed the reservation at the bar. We had fun, that's what matters.

I guess to many people this might seem fairly obvious. But for me, getting easily flustered, especially about things like time, has always been a problem. I can't promise it'll never happen again, but somehow, without my concious awareness, I apparently unwound a notch. And I'm glad, I'm happy. It's been a goal of mine for a long time to target that problem, and apparently it worked on itself while I wasn't looking. I hope this is a sign of better things to come in how I live my life.

An Update on Emma

2007-08-27T10:40:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone.
I just thought I'd do a quick update before class about some recent news in my life:

- Elizabeth is moving into her student residences today, and starting university on the 3rd September, doing a 2 year course in a culinary degree. She gets a chef's uniform, has to work in the Uni restaurants and everything. After 2 years she can continue working towards a 4-year degree or go out into the big wide world.

- The twins are starting middle school this year - back to the bottom of the pile!

- The twins also both passed their second royal ballet exam (which is not easy by any means). If it was scored in the same way as AP scoring, with 3 being 'pass', Heather got a 5, Alice a 4.

- Kenneth got all A's this last year at the Royal Grammar School - no small feat in the private British education system. He scored top in his class on many of his exams, and top 10 in his class on pretty much all the rest.

- My dad, showing he is completely insane, bought himself a title - he is now Lord H*dcr*ft - no joke. No land or power comes with the name - just the title. The family line it belonged to died out, and that apparently means you can auction the title off. (No, I don't know if it now stays in our family after he dies, nor whether it would go to the eldest child (me) or the eldest male (Kenneth).) The title, if I remember correctly, is approx 700 years old. (I may be wrong.)

- In a further display of insanity, my dad bought four baby geese this week, for reasons I don't know. They live in a little run in the back garden. Go figure.

- I got a Garmin satellite navigation system for my birthday! Yey. I am excited about it.

Oop. Class time. More later.

To the Potato Land

2007-08-01T11:08:00.001-05:00

Hola friends. I'm half asleep at the moment, so excuse me. Fell asleep watching an episode of my new 'Planet Earth' series : ). Well, off to Ireland tomorrow. Hopefully we won't get bombed. Chances seem much slimmer nowadays. Tomorrow to Stranraer to the ferry to Ireland, then to our hotel, the next day to wherever the Giant's Causeway is, then the day after, to Carick on Shannon to get our boat. A week on the boat, then the drive back. I'll be back in Texas on the 15th of August, for those curious.

There's a Hartlepool game tonight, but I'm very tired (see above) so I think I'll stay in with Kenneth and the twins, and watch tv or something. Anyway, I thought I'd send a note of my intentions to you all via my blog, so you know I'm not lost away somewhere in Ireland, kidnapped by the IRA. However, if you do see that I get kidnapped, please send money, or whatever they want. I'll pay you back after I get back to the US.

Well, I think that's all from this half-asleep brain at the moment. I'm off to see what trouble Kenneth & the twins are getting up to. Libby went to register at Newcastle College for her culinary class today, but messed up by mentioning she had an American passport, and now they're all in a ho-hah about her not being down as an international student and trying to get free education illegally. (For reasons unknown to me, she did not tell them that she does, indeed, have a British passport.) I wonder if maybe that naivity is somewhat my own fault - I was the one who through the years took care of all our customs and immigration snags and problems, and sometimes made mistakes and learned quite quickly what to say to appease those angered by my duality (of citizenship). Though, she has had plenty of time in the past few years to go it alone through the airport maze, and she certainly could have learned plenty by paying attention. And as the eldest, until she turned 18, I had to be the one taking charge, as it says on the forms. Oh well. I will ponder on that further.

I look forward to my return to the US, though it shall be super-busy. I know my mom has plans for me already, and I have to get ready for school, ensure I'm in all the right classes at the right time, tidy my house, have a party, and then go to school. Wish I had more of a break before school started.

Well, I said I was finishing this long ago, so may the rest of your summers be fun and happy, and I shall see many of you soon, or at least, I better. Bibliotheque!

PS - Ireland has potatoes. You have no idea how excited I am about this. I don't think they get purple ones, though. I only ever saw them that one time in Ecuador.

Finally Twenty-One

2007-07-28T15:55:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd sum up some of my birthday presents so far (the American side always holds back until I get back to the US):
- from Alice: duck-pen and giant 'I'm 21 Today pin'
- from Heather: cuddly dog in a paper bag and singing card
- from the guinea pigs (don't ask): Maltesers (UK candy)
- from the fish (' '): 'Deadly Diseases' book
- from the dog (yea, we're all nuts): (I forget)
- from my grandmother: purple/silver necklace/earrings & £20
- from Libby: IOU for Super Smash Bros Brawl when it comes out (Dec 3rd?)
- from Kenneth: copy of the poetry book his poem was published in
- from Liz: 'Planet Earth' DVD set
- from my Dad: money for the camera I bought before leaving the US, new (purple) snowboarding goggles, new Harry Potter book

My birthday was spent packing up to leave our holiday house, then going to Saltburn (English sea-side town), then driving back to the cottage, then eating tea, unpacking, and getting to use the internet. Overall, not bad. Do kindof wish there was something more notable to mark the day, but oh well, it's over now.

Well, thanks for the Happy Birthday wishes! : )

I am, at last, 21.

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-07-27T17:43:00.002-05:00

Well, here it is- eve of my 21st year. It seems somehow more momentus than previous birthdays, even the grand 18. Perhaps because I knew even then full well that I didnt deserve to be called much of an adult, and somehow feel more ready now. Perhaps its just because for once I want the legal rights that come with the age. Im sad, however. In the past I never much minded having mild birthdays in quiet seaside towns with only direct British family around. But tonight I find myself wishing that I could spend tomorrow night surrounded by my friends in a town I know well - to celebrate this last youthful milestone with all thats been so present in the years leading up to now. I know Ill have my party sometime in August, and I hope it can be a fitting tribute to what seems a special point in life, but that always seems hard to achieve when the date is past. I truly hope it can be done. Well, no point mulling over the unfixable. Ill have my small quaint birthday tomorrow, and hope for some small event to mark the day a little special :). And I look forward to having a good celebrate with you all when I get back!
(Mobile Post)

Part 2 of my trip is almost over!

2007-07-08T21:03:00.000-05:00

Unedited email. Gotta run!

Thought I´d write another quick email and try and give a little update!
Well, we did the bike riding and rafting from Banos. The weather was quite an issue, as the rain was very cold, and we were soaked through and shivering. Plus, we could barely open our eyes in the driving rain, and we couldn´t see any of the views for the low clouds. Rafting, at the beginning, was also very cold, and most of us were shivering. However, the sky cleared a bit, we dried out a bit, and we ended up having good fun on the rafts. Then we drove to a riverside spot where we had lunch, and then continued on the Amazon! We stayed in bamboo huts on stilts, and had to use mosquito nets tucked under our mattresses. The first night, at our first place, there were cockroaches everywhere in our rooms, and none of us liked that. Other insects I can handle ok, but cockroaches are horrible. The place had a monkey they´d rescued and some puppies, and they fed us like kings - three course meals in the jungle! The next day we got up and went for a 6 hour hike through the Amazon, which was really interesting. We were split into groups, so there were only 5 of us with a guide, and he told us about medicinal plants, made us some jungle treasures (necklaces, crowns, and bracelets) from plants, and painted our faces with the juice of a plant the Amazon tribes use to ward away evil spirits. We hiked to two waterfalls - one was quite close and easy, the other was more of a hike and harder to get to. In fact, at the end, we actually had to swim up the river a little way to get to the waterfall! It was really interesting though, and very cool to swim in a rain forest pool in the Amazon! Then we put our bags on the bus and get into canoes, and floated down the river to our next accommodation. It was a similar place, but without cockroaches, which was a big relief. We didn´t do much there but have dinner and enjoy the evening, though we did go on a night hike. Didn´t see much but some insects and caiman´s (small crocodiles) eyes in a lake. It poured rain that night like I´ve never seen in my life - like the sky had turned into a giant waterfall!

The next morning we were up early for our road trip to Cuenca via Banos, 8 hours. We set off on time and in good spirits, but the bus mysteriously came to an unexpected stop in the town of Puya. Our guides explained that apparently the rain the night before had caused land slides that had again closed off the road into Banos! So we were told to take half an hour to look around Puya while they figured out what to do. Half an hour later we all assembled and were told that the landslide had been cleared, but that they had decided to completely remove a bridge and put in a new one, so the road wouldn´t be open til four. Our original plan was to arrive in Cuenca by four, so obviously our plan was going to be changed! Of course there is no point moping around when you are stranded, so we went back to the riverside park with waterslides we´d been to before, and all had a refreshing dip in the now incredibly deep water (due to the rains), and a sunbathe on the banks. Then we had an impromptu lunch in Puya and set off towards Banos. Luckily the bridge was indeed up and we were able to get into Banos no problem. We had planned to take half an hour there, but we were obviously running late, so we stopped no longer than was necessary to drop off our guides. We then drove straight on, stopping only for toilet breaks and gas, but did stop in Rio Bamba for a delicious pizza dinner. Then on into the night, and finally arriving in Cuenca at 12:30am.

Because of our late arrival, we were allowed to sleep in a bit yesterday, and then it was off to a museum in Cuenca about Ecuadorian history and culture. It was interesting, but only a bit of the museum was in English, so most of it I couldn´t really make much sense of. I did see real shrunken heads, though. Then we went to Incapirca, the Cuna and Incan ruins about an hour and a half from Cuenca. That was much more interesting, as we had an English speaking guide who showed us around the site and explained the history and significance of the shape of the settlement and it´s religious purpose. We had a few hours in Cuenca then, and at 9 set out for our ´dress to impress´ dinner at the Eucalyptus Restaurant, where I had delicious food and dessert and ate like a king for only $20 a meal that would easily be $50 or more in the US.

Today was rock climbing, so we were up early to head about an hour to the rock. They set up 6 climbs, ranging from fairly easy to a little tricky, and I did all of them. We were there all day and had lunch on the rocks. It was really good rock climbing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It´s been about a year since I last went - on my birthday last July in Arran! Then it was back here, where everyone slept on the bus and felt absolutely exhausted. I myself am covered in scrapes and bruises from the rocks, including an especially bad one on my knee that is throbbing quite a lot. I hope it doesn't interfere with the rest of my time here. We then made a run to the grocery store for snacks for tomorrow (another 7 hour bus ride) and dinner at a lovely place called Blue Monday.

I would have to say that my main disappointment so far is our lack of time to do things that are not included in the adventure tour. We had no time here in Cuenca to visit the church, which is supposed to be very pretty, nor have a good look at the colonial architecture or to visit the Panama hat factory - all things I really wanted to do. But we are busy all day long with other activities, so we don´t have time. I guess you can´t do everything, but who knows when I´ll be back??

I hope everyone had a good 7-7-07. Nothing unusually lucky happened to me, unfortunately, though it was the day that it´s 21 days to my 21st birthday, so I figured that must be of some significance somehow (since 21 is a multiple of 7). Probably means I´ll rule the world someday, or something like that : )

Well, we´re off to Montanita tomorrow, which is a coastal town in the South. We have two and a bit days there, tomorrow after the bus ride is a free evening, then two days of whale watching and surfing lessons and snorkeling. Our trip is winding down to more relaxing activities, as in just a few short days we´ll be in Guayaquil, saying goodbye to half of our group! Then it´s off to Galapagos, which will truly be an adventure!

What can I say, my part 2 trip is almost done! It´s interesting how you adjust. The magnificent Andes have become a usual sight, no longer making us all reach for our cameras. Ramshackle villages, cultural dress, roasting whole guinea pigs and pigs no longer cause us to bat an eye. We quickly scout out our new town and find grocery stores, internet cafes, restaurants, and laundry (it´s great, you can get 5 kilos of laundry washed, dried, and folded for about $2.50!) We´re used to rice and beans and eating in places that might normally make us wonder about food poisoning. We´re all fans of cipro and know the first signs of a troubled stomach. Most of us have upped our fitness quite a bit, and grown used to adjusting to altitude and drinking tonnes of water and Gatorade, and never drinking from taps (and ordering all drinks without ice). Going without electricity, toilets that really work, and hot showers (or showering at all). I´m interested to see what my reaction will be to go back to the clean, sparkling, and modern ´first-world´. We´ll see!

I also wanted to add a quick note to say that I send these emails because I simply can´t wait to share what I´m up to! It´s not because I am homesick and need to be in touch, it is much more that I just have to tell you all what I´m doing and all my adventures! And when I write in short bursts like this, I can include more detail and remmber better what I´ve done.

Well, I´m holding up the internet, there´s only one computer at this hotel, and we´ve all had to wait, so I´d better get on my way. However, I´ll write again, probably just before I leave for the Galapagos, since I don´t know what my communication situation will be when I´m there. I hope you are all doing well and know that I´m doing fine. I hope those of you who have been following me on the map are able to keep up with my funny routes!

Best wishes to all of you, talk to you soon!
Emma

The Start of Ecuador, Part 2!

2007-06-30T21:56:00.000-05:00

Hola again! Here´s another lazy copy-paste post about my adventures! If you´ve read the email, no nead to read this, it´s all the same. For those of you who didn´t, for whatever reason, read on about all the fun!

First, I forgot to mention that Alto Choco is considered a bio-diversity 'Hot Spot', which means it has a really high level of plant and animal diversity (more plants and insects than animals in Alto Choco). There are only 10 'Hot Spots' in the world!
Well, this last week was busy. After the weekend in Otovalo, four of our group of 9 got quite sick. Nobody's quite sure what set it off, but everyone is better now. I myself was quite ill yesterday, but I took my Cipro (antibiotic) and it worked miracles, I am back doing very well today! On Monday we helped some local ladies dye cabulla to make crafts and also learned how to make a bit ourselves (this is the ones who weren't sick). Then we did reforestation. We planted 64 trees in about 3 hours with only 11 people! That was more than any other group, in less time, with less people! On Tuesday those well enough went for a hike - from ISV it was me, Eddie, Cheryl, Laurissa, and Kate, and Helen, Brett, Mark, and Ashley came too, along with our project leader, Nuno, and our guide, Milton. What a hike! We took the bus for an hour and started our hike at 8:30 in the morning to go to the base of the Cotacatchi volcano. It was a pretty intense hike, we were going up at a very steep angle. Unfortunately, just before we got to the very top I had to stop. I´d woken up with a cough that morning that I hadn´t thought much of, but in the higher altitudes with less oxygen and doing very hard hiking, I just couldn´t get my breath at all, and was wheezing and coughing quite badly. So I didn´t get to see the Cotacatchi lagoon. However, that was just the beginning of the hike! We then had to hike back to Alto Choco across the mountains. We walked along some ridges, far up above the tree-line, and the view was absolutely amazing. Then we headed down down down down down. It seemed like we were going down forever! It was so steep my legs were aching from having to jump and slide; in some places it was so steep you could be almost vertical but have your hands on the ground behind you! We had to climb down roots and use vines to rappel or absail down some places. It was exhausting but exhilarating. We didn´t get back until 7;30pm - about an hour after sunset! That was a little worrying, but it ended up being ok. There was an almost full moon, as well, which helped. And our headlamps attracted insects, which in turn ended up attracted a few bats, which swooped around our heads. That was really amazing!

Wednesday morning we had the morning off, as half of us were sick and the other half absolutely exhausted. In the afternoon we carried rocks from the river up the steep bank (about 1.5 stories up at a 45 degree or greater angle) and then to the botanical gardens so that the next group can continue the path we laid last week.

Thursday was a surprise for us! We were told we were going on a field trip and that we should bring bathing suits and towels. In the morning we all piled down to Milton´s (his house is on the road) and were told we were going to have to catch a ride to our destination. So Milton´s neighbor pulled up in his pickup truck with handrails fixed to the sides of the bed, and we all piled in the back! We rode for about an hour standing in the back of a pickup truck swerving around the potholes and on the dirt roads, clinging to roads on the sides of mountains! It was actually really really fun, and much better than the cramped, crowded, non-air-conditioned buses. We got off the truck and went on a half-hour hike up to the ridge of a hill, and went and visited the house of man who leads the resistance against the mining companies, and saw some of the aztec artifacts that had been plowed up in the surrounding fields. Then we all walked back down the path, saw some burial mounds, picked some oranges, and got back in the truck. After about another hour, and a quick tour through Apuello (a nearby village), we arrived at the thermal baths! After a week of cold showers (we ran out of gas and there are supply problems at the moment) we were all excited! They had pools from freezing cold to bath-warm, and all in between. We had a wonderful time swimming around, surrounded by the Andes mountains. Then we all got a lukewarm shower (better than our freezing cold river water!) and back to Alto Choco to pack, pack, pack.

Friday morning we were up early to pack up our last things and carry our bags down to the road to get our coach. Everyone on the reserve came with us, as we had to go through Otovalo on our way to Quito, so Brett, Paul, Helen, Sarah, Mark, Ashley, and Nuno all got to stay with us for a little longer on the bus, where we said our sad goodbyes! After living with them all for two weeks, we were quite a little group, and it will be strange travelling around without them! Then there were 9, and we were off to Quito.

Quito! Well, if I´d written you this letter yesterday, I would be much more apprehensive, but I was a stranger yesterday, and sick too. Yesterday was not so much fun, as we mostly had orientation meetings, unpacking, laundry, shopping for essentials and souvenirs, and then everyone went to a club and drank. We also went to the ´Center of the world´ monument, and that was quite interesting, though we were given wrong directions to the ´real´ center of the world, so sadly did not get to see it! (By the time we got to it, it was closed, as we didn´t get to the area until about 5pm) So, not so much fun for me, especially as the only people I know are those from Alto Choco - all the people from the other projects I don´t know as I didn´t do Spanish lessons! So I had an early night last night.

Today we had breakfast early and then got fitted for our hiking boots for tomorrow. Then it was back on the bus, and where to? Otovalo again! All the Alto Choco people were a little unhappy, as it´s a 2 hour drive, and we just took it yesterday! But we got to go to the Saturday market again, which is definitely worth going to. Then back on the bus and back to Quito.

So tonight my roommate, Izzie, and I got together with some of the other people, and a group of 7 of us went out to eat at an Italian place, which was delicious, then Izzie and I went to a place called Xocoa, which is a chocolate-lover´s dream, and each had a fruit and chocolate fondue - for just $3! Now I´m at the local internet cafe typing this up! Today I also found an English bookstore run by an American man, so I had a look around at the books, which was a lovely little break from my adventures for me! He also had a sticker from Archer City, Texas, which has a semi-famous bookstore I went to a few weeks before coming here, so it was a neat connection. You never know how you´ll know people around the world! So far, I am really enjoying Quito, and wish I wasn´t leaving tomorrow! There are so many neat restaurants and dessert places, not even mentioning the museums and sights to see! I am barely scraping the surface in my 2 days here! And everything is so cheap! Tonight was $8 for a personal pizza that was delicious and my chocolate fondue, and two bottles of water. There are so many people from so many places here, and so much is going on. There is a square with a fountain with lots of restaurants around it with outside seats, and I wish I could just sit and enjoy the atmosphere a few more nights! I will be coming back someday!

So tomorrow we are off to go glacier climbing on Cotopaxi volcano - at a higher elevation than any of the continental US! I´m nervous but also really excited. We´re getting crampons, ice picks, everything! And from there, to the Amazon! Right now I am in a very good mood about the next two weeks, as I am getting to know people. It will certainly be a huge adventure!

I hope everyone else is doing well, and know you´re all in my thoughts as I do my travelling! It still blows my mind regularly to think ´I´m in Ecuador!´ And being back in a city after Alto Choco is something else, let me say. Having an attached bathroom, having electricity, having a television, having lights that come on with a switch! Living in the backwoods certainly makes you realise modern conveniences! I think I will really miss Alto Choco, as I got used to the routine and the way things works, and it´s very obvious that the next two weeks will be super super busy, unlike the laid-back attitude of Alto Choco, where all the business stopped after 6:30. But then, it´s something new, and I´m sure it will turn out to be a crazy two weeks. And I´m sure the Galapagos will allow a little retreat away once more before my trip is over.

Wish me luck on Cotopaxi tomorrow, as I´ll be needing it! I´m working on getting some pictures up for you all and will send you a link as soon as I can : )

Emma in Ecuador

2007-06-24T09:52:00.000-05:00

This is a big old email I send out to lots of people. I don´t have time to type it up again, so you get to read it copy´-pasted : ). See you soon!

First let me apologize for my typos… The keyboard is really strange, my fingers are tired and blistered, and I am trying to be somewhat quick!

So where can I start? I am at Alto Choco reserve right now, about 4 hours from Quito and 2 hours from Otovalo, which is where I am right now. There are 9 ISV people there - Eddie, Jen, Jaime, Kate, Laurissa, Anna, Cheryl, Izzie, and me. There are also a man and woman from California, a man from the USA, a man from London, a girl from Isle of Wight, and a girl from Germany. There´s also Nuno, our ´leader´, and some ladies that work at the reserve, mostly cooking for us, and two men who know their way around the reserve very well and help us with our work.

The drive there was somewhat scary, it´s way up in the Andes, so the road has sheer drops off the side as you weave through the mountains. It´s very misty often, too, so we would be driving along and suddenly another bus would materialize in front of us. We arrived Friday night, and Saturday morning Nuno gave us a tour of the reserve. Then he left to go into Otovalo, and apart from a girl who came up to cook for us, we were alone for the weekend. The reserve is very basic – we have three buildings. One is a kitchen with a covered porch where we eat by candle every night, one has 4 rooms where we all sleep and a porch with hammocks where we sit, and the other is the shed/workshop. There is no electricity at all – not even the generator they talked about. The toilets are outhouses (one for men, one for women) and the shower is behind the womens toilet. Everything´s fed with river water. The shower is crazy, sometimes it´s lovely and warm, but more often it´s freezing cold or burning hot. There´s also a sink attached to a tree. You can´t flush paper down the toilets or it´ll block up the lines, and of course we can´t drink from the sink, though it´s clean enough to brush your teeth. They boil big pots of water every day that they then pour into a big tank where we can fill water bottles and stuff. We get three meals a day cooked, and take turns doing dishes in pairs. We get a lot of rice, potatoes and pasta, and are happy when we get chicken or beef! We´ve been quite lucky as we´ve had eggs most mornings (hard boiled or scrambled) and a cow just had a calf, so we´ve had fresh milk too! (Boiled first.)

We work hard, from 9-5 with 1.5 hours for lunch, usually.

Monday we hoed and planted a garden that the local woman will use to grow a plant they get fibers from to make bags and hats called cabulla (kah-boo-yah). Then we cleared trails (essentially carving trails into the side of a hill with hoes!). Tuesday we made mud or adobe bricks with dirt we carried down the hill on our back, shredded bamboo, and water. We mixed it with our boots! Then we laid river stones into paths on some sections of trail in the ´botanical garden´ (a place they´ve planted a lot of the plants from the forest so that local children can see them). Wednesday we hiked for about 2 hours up to a corn field planted for the bears (they are vegetarian, by the way!) (planted to keep them out of the farmer´s field) and cleared a lot of brush with machetes so that a new field can be planted. Boy, that was exhausting. We carried lunch with us (rice, beans, and canned tuna) and ate in the field. Thursday we led some school children around the botanical garden and then helped to sieve ground bamboo to feed the small pieces to the worms. Yesterday we cleared plants in the botanical garden (to help the important plants grow better) and then planted trees and sieved more bamboo.

The Reserve is located about 30 minutes uphill walk from the main road, on a little track, in a valley. There was no truck to carry our bags, as we´d been promised, so that was quite a hike… very tiring! We´re in what´s called a ´cloud forest,´ and it´s very wet indeed. Nothing is ever dry! Even the toilet paper is always moist, not to mention clothes. The only way you can get something dry is to hope for a few hours of sun. Most of the time it´s quite misty-cloudy. I´m very glad I have my quick-dry clothes as they´re about the only thing that will dry. I´m also really glad I have clothes with ´´bug off´ in them, as there are some bugs here called mosquos that are worse than midgies or mosquitoes! When they bite it hurts, and they leave a purple circle with a red dot in the middle. Then about 24 hours later it starts to itch like you wouldn´t believe! So I´ve been wearing my lightweight long sleeve shirts and luckily I´ve not been bitten up too badly, and not nearly as badly as some girls. The weather is also crazy. In the afternoon it can get quite hot, but at night it´s freezing cold! For dinner I´m usually wearing two pairs of pants, a shirt, a fleece, and my rain jacket, just to stay warm!

We caught the first bus this morning (7am) to Otovalo, which means we were up at 5.30, before the sun! We left the Reserve to hike down to the road at 6.15. Then two hours on the bus to here! We´re staying in a hostel here, and it looks like I might have my own room, which is actually pretty scary, So I might switch with someone. There´s a huge festival this weekend, I think it´s called San Juan. It can get pretty violent, but don´t worry, we´re going to be safe and stick together.

So far I´ve been doing quite well. The work is hard but I´ve been keeping up and doing my part. I´ve not been too badly homesick or too badly longing for comforts like electricity and heat and indoor plumbing. I had a little stomach upset for a few hours on one day, and that really did make me a little homesick, since you realize ´if I don´t feel better tomorrow.. or the next day.. I still have to stay here.. I can´t go home and be taken care of, and I can´t even call home and say that I feel bad.´ But I got better and have been doing ok. I do miss people and I do miss keeping in touch, but the hard work and lots and lots of reading keeps me busy. Sun goes down around 6.30, you see, so there´s not much you can do after that but eat by candle light and read by candle light!

Ecuador is a very interesting place. Obviously I haven´t spent much time in the city, but the country actually reminds me some of England! The grasses in the plains are very similar, and the weather is wet and muddy. We also do a lot of walking, which is something we do a lot of in England, and I´m wearing rubber boots nearly every day, just like England!

I´m keeping a daily journal of what I´m up to, and I´m making sure I write it in such a way that I can type it up after all this and put it online, and you can all read it if you want to.

I´m not sure what else to say! Just know that I am doing ok and I am having quite a time. Sometimes it is hard and often it is different but I´m getting along. I do look forward to seeing you all, but I´ve still got so long left! We leve Alto Choco on Friday morning to go back to Quito and start the adventure tour. Then, a week in the Galapagos!

Talk to you all later!

Hola from Quito

2007-06-15T00:10:00.000-05:00

I'm here in Ecuador, enjoying one last night of internet, electricity, and the like. Can't talk long - it's late. Here is some contact info about me while I'm here.

To see a good breakdown of when I'm where, and a map, log into Facebook, then go to my profile and scroll down to see my 'Trips.'

I can receive texts for FREE, so send as many as you like. Cell phone signal will be pretty much nothing for 1st two weeks and then every 2-3 days in 2nd two weeks and on Galapagos.
Internet will be accessable at about the same frequency, so send me an email.

If you want to snail-mail me or Fax me, here is the stuff:

HOTEL CONTACT INFO:

DIRECTIONS:
Mail is slow in Ecuador - can take up to 2 weeks to get to Ecuador
SEND AT LEAST 10 DAYS AHEAD
(if in doubt - send it to the next hotel! they can always hold it if I'm coming, but won't forward it to me if I've gone.)
WRITE ON ENVELOPE:
"Please hold for Emma H*dcr*ft with International Student Volunteers."
You could also send FAXES (make sure to put the above AND put check-in date on them so they'll hold them)

TIMES/LOCATIONS:

June 15 - June 29
Rodrigo Pineda
Fundación Zoobreviven
Reserva Alto Choco
Imbabura, Ecuador
Fax: ++ (593) - 2 - 2596428

June 29 - July 1
Chalet Suisse
Reina Victoria, Calama Esq ( 24-191 <-- don't know if this number should be on or not)
Quito, Ecuador
Phone: (593-2)-2562700

July 1 - July 2t
Hospedaje Tambopaxi
Hotel Tambopaxi, Cotopaxi
Phone: (593)-9-944-8223

July 2 - July 4
Hotel Sangay
Plazoleta Isidro Ayora #100
Baños
Phone: (593)-3-274-0490
Fax: (593)-3-274-0056

July 6 - July 9
Hotel Cuenca
Borrero 10-69 y Gran Colombia
Cuenca
Phone: (593)-7-2833711
Fax: (593)-7-2833819

July 9 - July 11
Charo's Hostal
Montanita
http://www.charoshostal.com/
Phone: (593)-09-342-7062
Fax: (593)-09-938-6474

July 11 - July 12
Iguanazu
Cdla. La Cogra Mz.1 Villa 2 (Km 3,5, Av. Carlos Julio Arosemena <- not sure if this is needed)
Guayaquil
http://www.iguanazuhostel.com/
Phone: (593)-4-220 1143
Fax: (593)-9-986 7968

From July 12-20th I am in Galapagos, after that, the UK.

If you want a postcard, make sure I have your address, or else you definitely aren't getting one!

Wish me all the best... I'll update if I can about how I'm saving the rainforest and the world all with one finger. : )

Emma Ecuador England Eggplant

2007-06-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

Yea... So I haven't been on much. I figured I should post now, while I can. For those of you who don't know, which is probably quite a few, since I've kept this somewhat under wraps, I'm leaving for Ecuador on Thursday. I'll be going straight from Ecuador to England, and won't be back from England till August 14th or so. So, if you want to get in touch, please email me. I will be going to internet cafes as much as I can, so I should be in touch fairly ok. Once I'm in the UK (past July 21st) you can also do the usual text/AIM.

Well, how do I feel about this. I do feel a little excited. Mostly I feel scared and unhappy about it. Ungrateful, I know. Save it, I've heard it all. Truth is, I was never really into going to Ecuador in the first place. I signed up for New Zealand. They put me in the Ecuador group instead, and I decided I could make it go away by ignoring it and never confirming my plan to go on this new modified trip. Months later I went to check whether they'd given up on me, due to my non-communication. Well, they hadn't. Now I was past the point of saying no, as well. I'm pretty sure that violates some kind of something - changing a travel destination and not having to get an explicit 'ok.' But eh.

So, I'm going. Now, for someone who goes all over the place, I'm really not very good at being away from my parents. Never had to do it much. Everywhere I go in the world they're there, or not too far away, or it's only a week, etc. I'll be gone for 5, and out of the US/away from regular internet/away from my friends for even longer.

Oh well. Mostly that's what I've been doing since January. I'll just stay in denial until I'm landing in Quito and then see where life takes me.

So I'm all stocked up with more travel gear than you thought was possible. Well, probably not. I've got bug-off clothes and rainjackets and camelbacks and filter straws. It's a pretty back-country trip and I am supposed to be prepared for everything from 40º to 95º F. And rain. And beaches. Yea, no trick or anything. So next to my 3-in-1 Northface rain jacket plus zip-in fleece and gloves I have a lovely Roxy bikini and some shorts.

I guess one good thing is that I'm meeting up with a girl in Miami to fly into Quito and spend the first night in a hotel together. She's very nervous about travelling, and in situations like that I do well at keeping myself calm and straight-minded in order to reassure the less-certain parties of the group. I learned this long ago from having younger siblings, especially while your parents go through messy divorces and arguments. So, hopefully going into the trip with that mindset will stop me from freaking out, at least for a while.

Well, enough writing for now, I have to go pile things up in piles to pack. I'll post later an itinerary and stuff.
Hasta pronto.

Busy Emma!

2007-04-15T20:42:00.000-05:00

Felt like I should make a record of what I got done this weekend, for posterity and all that.

On Saturday:
I vacuumed, mopped, and tidied the kitchen (no small feat), vacuumed and tidied the living room, cleaned out the fridge, painted and hung a shelf, wrapped my sister's b-day presents, vacuumed and tidied both bathrooms, did 3 loads of clothes, washed the dish towels, and washed all the bath towels.... and locked myself out of my apt, then climbed up the front of my apt to the second story balcony to let myself back in. Also, went shopping for 4 different types of mushrooms and all the ingredients to make mushroom stroganoff.

Sunday:
Made mushroom stroganoff (made white wine sauce, washed, cleaned, and fried 1.5lbs of mushrooms, mixed mushrooms, sauce, and other ingredients, made rice). Made chocolate-covered strawberries and oranges. Washed dishes!

Ai! And my back and neck have been killing me all this weekend.

Hartlepool Got Promoted!!

2007-04-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

Back up to League One we go! Here's one of my favourite pictures having to do with Hartlepool, for all your enjoyment.

Cat Kitty Cat

2007-04-11T16:54:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to post this picture for a while. It's wonderful and true. For some reason it makes me think of Tripp, but it is true for any kitty-lover.

I think it may have come from xkcd.com, but I got it off some geeky facebook group, so I don't know for sure.

Here's another kitty picture:

In other news, I paid my $34 of taxes yesterday. Took me all day to figure out a measly $34...

In other news, whatever.

Reality Check orI Really Could Have Done Without Today

2007-04-09T21:51:00.000-05:00

Drunkenness is good.
(Note: I am drunk while writing this.)

Sometimes the past comes back. It's usually not good.
Makes people all crazy. It's like in Slaughterhouse-Five, the book I just finished reading. Except instead of you becoming unstuck in time, a little piece of time becomes unstuck and catches up with you.

Throws things all crazy. Shows things all crazy. Things goes all crazy.
No need for it really. Just let time move forward in its little way. Let everyone adjust, let everyone get used to it. Let everyone move on.

//Disclaimer added the next day: The way this post is written makes pretty much no sense, and definitely conveys nothing at all. So, this post should probably be ignored.

Creatures of the World

2007-03-23T14:43:00.000-05:00

Lions sleep and laze around,
While snakes slither on the ground,
Monkeys swing high in the trees,
While beetles crawl beneath the leaves.
Ants scurry across the floor,
While sloths sleep for ever more.
Frogs leap from lily to lily,
And if you miss a fly you look all silly.
Crabs scuttle across the sand,
And walk upon my wet sandy hand.
We humans saw woolly mammoths with their massive tusks
Now gone in timeless dusk.
Bye bye we have to go.
We hope you enjoyed our poem you know.
Made by Alice H*dcr*ft and Heather H*dcr*ft

This was originally going to be part 1.3 of the post below, but I decided it's too awesome, and deserves its own post. This was written by my sisters. They're 9, and they just sat down and wrote this one day, out of the blue. It wasn't prompted or for school. They're awesome.

Guide Cat Urine Birds Mating Choking Third-Degree Burn

2007-03-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

This post is going to focus on ~~some animal stuff~~ less animal stuff than before, then move forward to two things that happened to me that I find interesting and you probably don't. The title of this post pretty much explains what's going to happen and in what order.

First and foremost, Svara has been very sick. It's ok, she's getting better now, but she got a hell of a urinary tract infection, and was really miserable all Monday, straining to pee tiny drops of bloody urine. And she couldn't really control her bladder either, so a few things got peed on (but I know it's not her fault), but then I had to keep her in the kitchen bathroom because the floor's not carpet. Poor girl, all sick, finding herself locked in a bathroom, and having to spend a morning at the vet's!
Anyway, she's doing much better now, though she hates the pills she's on with a passion.

Secondly, so many birds! I saw some beautiful bluebirds the other day, shimmering like sapphires. I've seen mourning doves gathering nesting material, mockingbirds flitting around, and birds I don't know. Today there seemed to be a prevalence of blackbirds doing their funny courtship dances for the brownish females. Always fun to watch.

~~Thirdly,~~ Never mind.

Two things that happened to me:
First, I joked with a girl who was eating about how if she chocked nobody present could help her because we're not doctors yet. Eventually she laughed so hard she started severely choking. O.o Talk about self-fulfilling.

Secondly, I got a third-degree burn on the end of my finger. It's all white and waxy, and doesn't hurt at all. I was taking a melting point in lab when I accidentally touched the (unshielded) hot metal. It was about 330°C. It hurt intensely for about a quarter of a second, and it has not hurt sense. For those of you less medically inclined, this is because all the skin and some of the underlying tissue is fried, as are the nerves. For the curious, it sizzled when my finger hit the metal. Bacon anyone? For the concerned, I'm keeping an eye on it. Yes, it's kind of serious, but as long as it doesn't get infected and seems to be healing without problem there's no need for me to get it looked at. Trust me, I'm (not) a doctor (yet). (See above.)

Well They Can Bloody Well Just Try It

2007-03-19T17:18:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back from spring break, and I survived. Sometimes just barely, but I'm still here. It was a fairly stressful experience, what with my sister being my sister, and my dad being my dad. The last few days were very strained indeed, and I'm glad to be away from all that. My family is simply a mess I wish I wasn't involved in.

The stress doesn't stop, though - this week is going to be nasty, as far as I can tell. And things to look forward to seem few and far between at the moment - no more holidays for a while (and then only Easter, which means mandatory family time, which I dislike (see above paragraph)), and no other plans.

I don't really know what to say. Right now I'm very tired and listless, and I'm looking forwards to getting this meeting I have with a girl to do a project over with, so I can go be listless. But listlessness always has a chance of begetting other, less pleasant feelings (not that listlessness is a very pleasant one in itself - it's very different from general laziness, which can be very pleasant), so I am wary of that, and hoping for the better.

I really don't want to be back at school. I don't want to be back on spring break, either (at least not the family-involved part). I just want to have some endless weekend, where I can sit and read.

When You Sleep Where Do Your Fingers Go?

2007-03-16T23:40:00.000-05:00

I've discovered this: It's much easier to trust someone than not to trust them.

I'm sore and sunburned. I'm not so sure about this skiing lark.

This was my dad's way of letting me know he will not be inviting me over to England for Easter: 'No Emma, the next time I see you, you'll have contracted malaria.'
So loving.

Oh world, I don't know what to make of you. And I certainly don't know what to make of myself. I'm so odd. Oh well, c'est la vie.

I'm reading some books. Haven't had any jello for a few days, though. That's sad.

Pressure - Pushing Down on Me

2007-03-12T15:50:00.000-05:00

Thought I should make a post before I'm off for spring break. I'm going skiing with my dad and sister in Utah. My dad's flying in today and we're going up to Utah to pick up Elizabeth tomorrow, then off to some resort, back Sunday. IM the cell phone SN if you need me.

I'm not really looking forward to this little reunion. I don't know how Elizabeth is doing, and I don't know what state of mind my dad is in. Historically, the three of us are a volatile little bunch. So we'll see how it goes. It's causing me a fair amount of stress already, though for once I don't think it's seeped too much into my interactions with people.

I've got a few [good] books, my DS, a journal, and my phone, so all should be ok. I'm sure internet withdrawal will get me, at least a bit, but I've got AIM and Gmail on my phone, and hopefully that'll be enough to keep me for the short time.

Urgh. I can't get rid of these lumps in my stomach. I'm not even completely clear what exactly is stressing me out. Probably mostly just the thought of having to measure up to the expectations of my dad once again. Maybe a few other things. I suppose nothing to do but see how it goes and try and relax.

Well, maybe I'll try and catch 40 winks (is that expression used in the US?) before my dad calls me and everything explodes. Send me an IM and check I haven't died of hypertension if you can.

Neutral Title, Neutral Post

2007-03-08T23:06:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty much just posting because I feel like I should. There's nothing much I have to say, sorry. I'm sure there are lots of things I could say, but I just feel no urge to say it, and no reason to say it to something like a blog.

I watched a documentary on porn in my criminal justice class last night. It was incredibly explicit for a class.

I'm going to go eat some jello. Bye.

It's Still the SameorChange Doesn't Always Happen

2007-03-05T20:59:00.000-06:00

I'd like to write about some things in general, but I fear that a couple of you would be able to deduce what I'm referring to specifically, and I'm bound not to do that, so I'll just stay silent on the matter, I suppose.

I don't understand myself at all. It distresses me greatly at times, and other times I can accept the fact that I'm a stranger to myself quite easily. I ponder so many things all the time now, sometimes I almost become bored with analysing myself and my actions and everyone else in the world and their actions and decisions. It's tiring, and seems to be pointless often. I don't think I reach any useful conclusions by it. I can reach many in my head, but they don't apply to the world, because they're just in my head. I don't trust my conclusions anyway, since they come from my head, and we all know about that.

Is a sin once as dark a mark as a sin a thousand times over? Who decides a sin's a sin?

What's the World?

2007-03-03T19:53:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry, I don't really have much to say. Well, I guess I have a lot to say, but I feel far too drifted away to even try to put it into tiny letters on this black page.

I feel very odd indeed.

Perhaps a little later.

It's Been One Week....

2007-02-28T20:09:00.000-06:00

...And I'm still here. I guess.

I'm very down, right now. Last night went badly: little sleep and nightmares. I feel like I'm slowly slipping off the face of the earth, like everything tying me down is gone, and I'm going to float away. I feel like a middle thing, not really important or needed. Just there, for fun, if needed. Today I have spent most of the day very down, in this new, dull sort of way. This drifting away sort of way.

I'm concerned about my weight. I thought I was finally steadying out, but judging by the surprising bagginess of the jeans I pulled on this morning, apparently not. These are the jeans I had to buy in December to replace the ones I bought in August. I'm scared to look at the August jeans now, they must be absolutely huge in comparison if these jeans are getting too big. I don't want to see how much weight I've lost like that. The scary thing is, I'm actively trying to gain back some weight. Oh well.

I don't know. I'm tired of life. The future seems like a big empty nothing. Except maybe some pain. I still feel full of self-hate, perhaps even in increasing amounts. I don't know what to do.

An Apology

2007-02-26T13:58:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I didn't let you get away with it this time as you hoped I would. I'm sorry I always let you get away with anything in the past. I'm sorry I helped you believe that everything is forgivable and true hurt is never caused by your misactions. Especially not true hurt you yourself will have to feel. I'm sorry I never held your feet to the fire and made you learn that some things aren't forgivable, and so shouldn't be done. I'm sorry I let you scare me into keeping all your secrets all the time.

But don't worry. I'm sure in your future there are many girls who will be led in, and who will let you get away with murder, just as I did so often. So you won't ever have to really learn.

I'm trying to bother certain people as little possible... but it's hard, the temptation is strong. But it's part of what I get of this, and I must accept it.

Taking a Downwards Turn (Again)

2007-02-24T15:33:00.000-06:00

That's about all I have to say. I feel like shit. I hurt. For many reasons. I'm tired again.

I Touched the World, and It Bled

2007-02-23T08:33:00.000-06:00

I've caused a lot of pain in the past two days. A lot of hurt. For once in my life, I know it's not completely my fault. I did take my part in it, yes, and I am partially responsible, but I did not act alone. This idea grinds against my mentality, though. It's funny - when I was young, they gave me so much therapy so I wouldn't believe that my parent's divorce was my fault, even though I never did. No... instead I believe every other evil in the world is my fault.

Even if the actions were not done alone, I did decide to speak out. I know that I probably could have left it all alone, let it slide away, hope it disappeared. Hope that it stopped eating away and my brain, burning me inside. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. Knowing this, I hurt - for causing so much hurt. It's probably a good thing I can't go back and undo things, because I'm weak, and I despise myself for causing pain, even if it was not all my fault, and I want to make that feeling go away. I know that, in words, I probably did the right thing. And it doesn't burn me inside anymore. No, now I have the pain of others and the pain of loss to do that.

The part that stops me short of damning myself completely is one small thing: that this other participant's anger is less at me speaking out, and more at me speaking out with hard proof. I discover the plan was to cast me as insane, as blowing things out of proportion, as not being quite in my right mind. And by bringing proof, I destroyed that plan. That hurts. It's ok to fuck with the crazy girl cuz nobody will believe her anyway, right?

Right now I feel empty. I'm hurting, quite a lot. I don't know what the future is, what it holds. My mind stops short of thinking any further than tomorrow. I've taken a tough action, accepted my punishment, and suffered deep loss. My only comfort is that I'm clean again. No more evils inside me, except the ones that always reside within.

There's a distant sadness, but mostly relief

2007-02-20T10:22:00.000-06:00

It made me cry, because it was kind contact I did not expect at all. And it is appreciated very much... But it's too far away now, I'm sorry...

Apparently there was confusion: last night I drove around the metroplex for a long time. I guess to see what would happen. Tried some of those things you always wonder about when driving, but nothing happened. Nothing happened. My desires did not change, I did not calm. So I came back, which I said I would do. I couldn't do anything last night but drive or sit, you see, because all the stores were closed. So I had to hang around until today. No school for me today, of course, because there's no point.

For those of you curious, I plan to go to orchestra practice tonight, because I enjoy my violin a smidgen still. And there's no rush, I have plenty of time.

I do not ask for you pity, nor your advice. I know my craziness better than anyone.

2007-02-19T21:45:00.000-06:00

Crazy Calm, Crazy Calm. Tears and screams. Blood and pain. Oh yes, and yes. Give me all the pain, give it to me. Life your life happily, You will find out how much I can take. The answer is no, I cannot. Blood blood blood. This is too much, and I am too far gone, now. I know my answers are crazy, my reasoning mad, my actions insane. I know you all disagree, shake your heads, shake your heads in disapproval. But there's a way out and I'm taking it. I was perhaps making do with one, perhaps I could have made do with the other. But both? no no no. I'm too far gone, you see. You will not miss me. You will not. You may think so, but it's a falsity. I tried, I did. Every time I started to pull myself up, another blow came and knocked me down. Every time I felt a reason to perhaps rally once more, another blow came. I'm tired of this, and I have no strength nor mental capacity to do anything else. Stupid, I know, yes, very stupid. But I will care little for your cries of calling me stupid when I'm floated away on a cloud, and I hurt no more.

You cannot imagine with what hope I look forward to painlessness. I only first must clear up a few last sad drops of hellos and apologies.

Tonight there is no sleep, for I will drive and drive, and see how far I can go in one night. But I will come back, for driving alone is nothing but to pass the time. And action must be taken! Oh I shiver. But not in fear.

Deperation

2007-02-19T06:47:00.000-06:00

I just had the worst dream of my life. And I'm not exaggerating to say that - God I wish I was. I awoke from it with tears streaming down my face, screams ripping from my throat, and my teeth clamped onto my pillow, which I was holding down with my arms and trying to rip apart with my mouth. A humorous picture for all of you, I'm sure, but not for me. Even now I'm crying still, and shaking from the memory. My own mind is turning against me, and I'm writing this to distract myself from the other types of distraction I long to dole out on myself in hopes of forcing my mind to seperate from my body. How do you put such distress into words? I cannot hope to succeed. All I can speak of is the utmost horror and pain I feel right now, and the desire to inflict some terrible punishment upon myself, and thus my mind, to drive it away for good. I'm deperate for something, anything.

Unlike most dreams, I am no calmer than when I first awoke, and I do not see calmness coming anytime soon. Oh God, end this please. End this please. I'm hostage to myself... and I hate myself.

My Stomach Turns Inside Out Once More

2007-02-18T21:59:00.000-06:00

Aren't you all glad I shut up over the weekend? Hope you all enjoyed it.

I can't seem to learn the lesson that any sign that the pain might lesson for any reason at all is completely false, and I shouldn't change my plans for it, because it will fail, and I will be knocked down from whatever upwards step I've reached for. And back to the pain. Where I must learn to re-adjust all over again. Which just hurts more.

I feel like I'm going to be sick again. Excuse me.

Just a Few More Gentle Shoves...

2007-02-15T08:54:00.000-06:00

Last night I spent the majority of the night lying in my bed staring up at my dark ceiling and crying. Horrible, horrible thoughts would not leave my head. So I spent hours and hours lying on my back in tears and being ripped to shreds by my own mind. The few hours I did drift off I had some of the worst nightmares I've had yet, and soon woke up, crying.

Look, it's not getting better. Everyone tells me to just 'hang in there,' because things must get better. Well, there's an exception to every rule, and the exception seems to be me. Even now, when it seems things could not get much worse, they manage somehow.

I had two days where I felt ok. Two days where I didn't feel rising hate (or at least not so strongly) when I passed a mirror, two days where I didn't want to die, two days when my mood was not utterly hopeless. But it was just another way of things getting worse. A reminder of what I'm not getting, what my life isn't. And then plunged back into the darkness, now with an all-the-more-clear picture of just how miserable I am. And that just makes it worse.

I hate myself, I hate who I am. I'm not the Emma most of you became friends with long ago. She's just gone. I can tell you the story of how she's slowly died over the past few years, but it would be ruled false I'm sure, and what I deserved. What matters is that she's completely gone now. All those traits are no longer there. If you are thinking back and objecting, you're wrong. It's called a façade. I can still imitate, to a point, who I once was, but it's nothing but empty words because I feel bad for those who have to be around me, and don't want to subject them to the blackness I feel all the time. I'm ashamed of who I am now, and I feel I'm shaming the memory of the Emma that once was. I know that when people tell me that they like me, that they'd miss me, and all that, they're talking about the old Emma, or the façade, and it hurts, because that's not really me anymore.

I'm drained. I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of lack of happiness. I'm tired of 'hanging in there' only for things to get worse. I'm tired of being reminded of how swimmingly it seems everyone else's lives are going. It's an exhaustion I don't expect anyone to understand. I'm ready to quit. All that did matter is broken, desecrated, or taken away. I'm not strong enough to sit and be ok while all of this goes on. It hurts too much, and it has hurt too long.

Last weekend I gave the world a second chance after I had planned not to come back. And for those two days it seemed like maybe it was worth it, even if for all the wrong reasons. From what people tell me, staying alive for the wrong reasons is still better than dying. But it all comes crashing down, and now I just want the weekend to come again, but for all the wrong reasons. I gave it a week, I gave it a chance, and I got a taste of happiness, then a slap in the face and a chorus of mocking laughs.

I don't really understand why people get so upset about me going away. Your lives will go on, the good things will continue, you will still reach your goals and have your loves, you will move on. Life will still be good for you, so why be upset? I honestly don't comprehend...

Dear Emma:

2007-02-09T14:20:00.000-06:00

You fool, why are you still here? What tiny hope do you yet cling to in that pulpy mess that used to be a heart? Let go, you idiot. There is no hope. Accept the truth. Accept that happiness is not coming, that good things are not going to happen. Just let go and give up. Why can't you do it yet? It's been long enough. You hurt and you cry, but you won't take care of it all. You're still too damn scared. Look, you've been over this a hundred times before. It hurts too much. There's a limit to how many tears and how much pain anyone can suffer - why won't you just reach it and die. But I see those tiny tapes of wavering hope you play in the dark nights to help yourself fall to unconsciousness. I see the lies you tell yourself to trick your brain into thinking there's something worth waiting around for. What?! What is it?! Nothing! Give it up, bitch. You're alone in your pain - everyone else got their happy ending. And that's not going to change. The dice have been rolled, the cards are down, the votes are in, and you lose. Hope will only get you hurt. Everything will only get you hurt. Look at the past - draw your conclusions right there. After three months of shit in your face you really think tomorrow you're suddenly going to get rainbows and puppies? Ok, so let's say things are going to get better. When exactly? A year? Five years? Oh, well then. Only an eternity of pain between now and then. And exactly how? What could this world give you that would make you feel better? Nothing you give yourself makes you feel better. Nothing anyone else can offer makes you feel better. You're broken, Goddamnit - just fuck off. You're making everyone miserable. Give up the minuscule drops of hope that only guarantee you more hurt when they too fail. And they will fail. They always do. And you know this.

God, whore. I hate you more than anyone.

My Wish for an End

2007-02-06T13:47:00.000-06:00

I've spent most of today crying.

I go back and forth between an eerie calm emptiness and a distraught flood of tears. There's a constant ache in my chest and my stomach. The present, past, and future dance around me with twisted smiles to remind me of all that I want to forget. My old hopes and wishes for a happy ending of any kind flash before me and crumble to dust.

There is a lot of happiness out there. There are a lot of people who are sleeping soundly at night. There are a lot of people who don't cry all day. Who decides whether what hits a person next is going to be something normal, decent, and ok, something good, or something heart-breaking? There are people smiling and laughing right now, looking forward to the future and wondering what will happen.

My future is this evening. My wondering is whether I'll be able to keep down any food between now and then. Whether I'll be able to take a nap without having horrible nightmares after only half an hour. Whether I'm going to do ok, or turn in desperation to friends who are as sick of me as I am sick of life.

My hope now is that my mind will continue to fall and fall until it reaches a point where it snaps in some way, and I go into a catatonic state, or perhaps suffer complete amnesia. Then you can all reshape my memories, and I'll be happy because I won't know better. And if you want me as your friend, I'll be your friend. And if you want me to never remember I knew you, I'll never know you. Wouldn't that be hilarious. It will probably take a while yet to get to this point. The mind is very resilient, unfortunately.

How can I express what 'life' is like right now? I can't. I have no focus, no drive, no passion, no desires. My concentration span is about 15 minutes, and after that reality kicks back in. I can't keep myself distracted. Can't sleep. Can't eat. Can't work. Can't play. I have no urge to do anything at all, even things I like. I tempt myself, to try and illicit some response. Promising myself an hour of reading a good book, playing Zelda, buying a gadget... All just to try and get myself to feel some sense of excitement, some kind of looking forward to the promised activity. Sometimes I do feel a small stir, but by the time I turn on my Wii, pick up a book, or head towards my car... the desire is gone, and I have no interest in continuing through the motions. I try and set myself goals, assign myself interesting projects... but the result is the same.

I've lost any desire I had to get to tomorrow. Nothing anyone has told me yet tempts me quite enough to make me view it as a reason to wake up to another day of this...

Somebody... please... tell me what you do to keep going when distraction doesn't work, desire is gone, and the reasons you're alive are those of convenience and people getting mad. What do you do...? How do you continue...? Should I bother at all...?

Makes Bad Decisions, Can't Envision a Future

2007-02-04T20:20:00.000-06:00

My psych-person (yes, he made me come in twice in a week... he cares so very much) told me on Saturday he thought he knew 'why':

His theory is that my pre-frontal cortex is decently atrophied. This means it doesn't do it's job. The sending the receiving of signals and such. The pre-frontal cortex is the part of your brain that helps you decide good and bad, better and best, and forming ideas of the future, picturing the future, and making good decisions towards the future. He says this did not happen suddenly, but over a long period of time. Repairing and growing more functional during the times when things were going well, and growing more atrophied during the darker times. Probably going back to my young childhood. This depression probably pushed it to the point I'm at now, which is not a good point.

I did some of my own research and read some stuff that suggested this kind of weirdness seems to be caused by lack of adequate connections forming. We humans, we learn by reward and punishment, even in brain function and growth. It's complicated, go read a book. But anyway, this weirdness seems to be caused because good and bad decisions are not adequately rewarded and punished, trust relationships are not adequately rewarded (by being proven trustworthy), and future plans/visions are not adequately rewarded (instead, being punished by being proven to be worthless because they go awry).

The interesting thing about the pre-frontal cortex is that those damaged in this area can often pass written or theoretical tests on good-decision making, but then, in real-life situations, display bad judgement and ability to see to the future. So, when asked out loud about what decision should be made, and when looking back in retrospect, people can make the right decision, but when actually taking action, they'll make the wrong decision. Sounds like the story of my life, doesn't it: Regret.

So. Long story short: I'm pretty much fucked. Too bad the whole result of the damage is that I don't care.

I Trusted You.

2007-02-02T14:10:00.000-06:00

You know when someone gets brutally mutilated and injured, and is lying there motionless, with blood pouring out of all their wounds, in excruciating pain, with a group of their attackers standing around them, looking down. Then suddenly a man pushes his way through, looks at the injured man, and cries, 'He's still alive, for god's sake! Put him out of his misery!' And they finish him off with a single shot to the head.

I'm still alive, you bastards.

I Trusted You.

2007-02-01T23:13:00.000-06:00

Today my psych-person told me
He'd seen a lot of people who resisted parts of treatment. Anorectics, bulemics, cutters, people with severe depression and problems. But he'd never seen anyone who wasn't desperate to do anything, or willing to try anything, to at least get rid of the sadness (if not cure their disorder). He said he'd never met anyone so accepting of such sadness.

Acceptance does not beget ability to cope.

I Can't Control What Happens...

2007-01-31T07:23:00.000-06:00

...but I can control how I react to what happens. And that, in turn, can sometimes influence other things that happen. So, you're never powerless in the face of life.

Haze

2007-01-29T11:07:00.000-06:00

I don't really know what to make of anything at the moment. My brain is a jumble and a haze, and the fact that my stomach is hurting and sloshing and my head is light and woozy doesn't help.

Right now sleep sounds so very appealing, though apparently my relatively good mood yesterday did not help to stave away nightmares.

Man, I feel really sick. I'm a little worried because painful stomach and woozy head are the two symptoms I experienced before the two times I've fainted in my life.

Anyway, yea. My head is a huge jumble right now. Everything all tied in knots. One minute I'm worrying, or going back to that feeling of expecting the worst, just in general, the next minute I'm feeling like whatever happens happens and things will be ok. It's very strange, and confusing. And nobody should read very much into that because these are just words, and they do not adequately or accurately convey the complex neurological pathways of my brain.

Pomegranate Martini

2007-01-28T17:46:00.000-06:00

I feel like I should make a post. I don't really know about what. I am very exhausted right now, so I feel a little floaty.

Last night was a great night. It was fun. It was happy. It was full of friends. It was full of talking and talking, and dancing, and singing. Oh yea, and drinking. Heh.

Right now, I'm not worrying about tomorrow. It is a nice feeling to just remember and be happy. I don't know what's coming, but somehow, at least in this moment, I feel that things will somehow be ok. Because at the end of the day, if nothing else in the world, I have the most awesome friends ever. And they're there for me.

Damn, I'm lucky.

Today I Cried A Lot

2007-01-24T16:25:00.000-06:00

I was doing well before recently. I really was. I was to the point of contemplating some things that I'm sure would have been seen as steps in the 'right' direction. Now I am back to square one. Except this time I am weaker. I am battle-weary. I am tired of fighting and getting hurt. There's still one step down on the ladder before there's nothing but empty space and pain. In other words, there's still one way things could get worse. But this low down on the ladder, it seems like I'm only going to be hanging on for a while before I'm knocked down and falling. With the track record so far, it's bound to happen. But you know? If I had to pick between recent events and the one thing left, you might be surprised at my choice. But it doesn't matter, because I don't get to choose. And the downhill fall will continue, I'm sure. It's hard to convince myself it's worth waiting around for that.

I can't believe this is my life. I'm tired of being me. Give me a new body, make me someone else. So I can start again. So I can be anyone but me. So I can have another chance.

I'm in a very bad place in my mind. And it's not letting up. And I don't know if I can do this.

I searched my brain, honestly, and I can't think of one reason why I should wake up tomorrow

2007-01-23T22:28:00.000-06:00

You know what I did? Such a stupid fool I am. I dared to hope. I dared to believe life was getting better. Ha! Such an idiot. Why did I ever fall for that stupidness again.

You know what happened? Guess. I got hurt. I got burned. I got my heart ripped out and my soul torn to pieces. Yet again. Going on 4 months now, a life of pain and pain, and no hope that lasts. No light at the end of the tunnel, no reason to get up tomorrow. Isn't hope what we all live for? The hope of this, or that, or so and so will date us, or we'll get such and such job, or have kids, or travel the world. I have no hope. My hope is broken. My trust is broken. I can't trust you. I can't trust me. I can't trust anyone. I can't trust my dreams, I can't trust my future. I can't trust that I won't continue to hurt and hurt, and that you fuckers won't not hurt me. What did I do? What Judas was I in a past life to deserve this now? When does my break come? When do I get to feel happy again? When do I get to look forward, for any reason at all, to waking up in the morning? When do I get to look into the future and see anything at all? When do I get to stop talking myself out of suicide because I don't want to die anymore?

This has to end. This has to stop. Something's got to give. And it looks like the winner is me.

To everyone: I'm sorry I'm a fuck-up worthless waste of time and energy, undeserving of friends or friendship, that deals out pain and unhappiness and fills up valuable webspace with worthless depressed rantings that nobody gives a shit about.

There is Nothing

2007-01-20T18:49:00.000-06:00

Yea. All that hope I had? Definitely gone. My conclusion is that there is no good in life. Only bad things and false hope. If you think something's good, it's actually not, it's just false hope.

I am full of pain. My eyes are full of tears.

Sleep Deserts Me

2007-01-18T08:00:00.000-06:00

Odd time to post, I know. I woke up at 4:30 this morning, dozed in and out of spells of sleep until 6, then got up. My alarm should just now be going off (at 8). I don't have class until 11.

I take this as a sign of perhaps some remaining jet-lag, but considering I'm fairly tired at the moment, more as a sign that after going so long with such a bad quality of sleep, and not being able to sleep more than 4-6 hours, it's actually impossible for me to sleep more than 6 hours unless I'm very, very tired. It's also a sign of my continuing crappy sleep. Nightmares, waking up all the time. I have horrible, horrible dreams. Usually at the end of the dream I realise I'm dreaming, so then I have the challenge of waking myself up. Once I actually managed to pinch myself, and what do you know, it worked. Mostly I just have to get one arm to move, or to turn my head. If you've ever been in that situation, you know how fucking hard that is. It's exhausting to wake yourself up, to get your body to obey a dream-bound mind. It feels like you're trapped in an iron body that can't be moved.

Sigh. So that's my sleep situation. That's why I'm posting - because I'm ready for school and have no reason to leave for another hour and a half at the earliest.

All that hope I mentioned in the last post - it's pretty much gone. 48 hours, remember? I guess I still have a tad of hope about a few things, but I don't know, right now things look confusing, sad. So I am confused and sad. I want to be a good friend. I don't feel like I'm very good at that. I hope I can keep the friendships I have.

Sigh. I'm upset. I'll just stop here. I worry. I'm sorry.

"The future has a way of arriving unannounced"

2007-01-16T16:36:00.000-06:00

- George Will

I worry so much. Too much. I stress too much too. Today, during my one class, I suddenly had this moment where I was looking to the future of this semester. Except that somehow I managed to block - just for 4 seconds - all of the worry, all of the bad things that could possibly happen. And instead, I just saw these great friendships, and all the fun and happiness they could bring me, and companionship, and good times. I saw without worry, and without my constant distrust and thus disbelief that a good situation can stay good for any longer than 48 hours.

It was so nice.

So simple.

I wish I could hang onto it. I've been trying to revive it all day, in my mind, but it's impossible. I wish I could have faith that that happy vision I saw could be reality. I hope it is reality, because it would be so nice, so happy. So pain-free. Or at least excruciating-pain-free. (Life's never pain-free I suppose.) How do you stop worrying about things? How do you stop expecting the worst so that if it happens you're less hurt? But then, see, I'm not sure I'd go through with it if I knew how - because if you aren't aware and conscious of all situations, you can go into denial, or just be ignorant, and make things worse unintentionally, or just not realise reality until things are very bad and you get punched in the face. And of course, if you're expecting good things and they don't happen, you're hurt badly. If you're expecting bad things, you're still hurt, but at least you're not surprised.

I've always been someone driven by my friends. Well, ever since I woke up to the reality that there's a world outside of my head, which was around 9th grade. I feel that truth stronger than ever now. I have so many friendships just sprouting from the ground, and they all mean the world to me, and I want so much for them all to grow into wonderful things. I tend them the best I can, and then I hope. I hope bad things don't happen. I hope for no more hurting. I hope for calmness. I hope for stability. I hope to feel I have the chance to get my head in a situation, and perhaps if it stays the same long enough I'll be able to start trusting that the world isn't going to fall on me tomorrow. So I hope for stability.

I don't have to hope for friends because I have friends, but I hope for good friendships that last and are happy.

I hope for things to go right.

Sigh...

2007-01-10T17:48:00.000-06:00

im posting because im down. i was feeling better, but now the down
feeling creeps back. i tell myself, trust, emma, trust. and i really
do try. i suppose a good thing of all this is that i am trusting more.
theres nothing else i can do. its reluctantly,though...i am still
waiting for my trust to get me horribly hurt.. still..maybe this time
i can trust and it will not be broken.. i feel a glimmer of hope,. but
it seems incomprehensible to me.. i feel lonely, like the world is
full of 2s and im a 1. i just borrow people from their match whenever
i can. oh well, such is the world. i am grateful for the time my
friends can give me. i shouldn't be greedy. i always worry so much,
how do you stop worrying? im getting very tired, writing this on my
phone.. to the point where my worries blur in my whirling mind.. i
hope all is well. i hope i dont end up hurt. please let the good
things stay good...

I'm Stupid

2007-01-09T14:00:00.000-06:00

It haunts me endlessly how one thing can mess everything up so much. I shouldn't go on about it though. But it's haunting, knowing that a good thing all messed up now, which you never even in your wildest thoughts predicted would happen. All I can do is hope that things will perhaps get better. And oh do I hope.

Something has been bothering me a lot lately, unrelated. But I know the wise thing to do is keep my mouth shut and let life go on.

I have this urge to go out and do something wild and crazy, but I know I'd probably regret it. It's a stupid urge anyway, just me going crazy inside my head. Further drive to try and un-become me, I suppose, so I shouldn't listen, or so it seems.

Just for the record - I'm about to make a big mistake I will probably regret forever, but hey, I managed to get myself in to a dilemma again (can't have a dilemma without emma), so what way is there to get out but a bad way. Cheer me on and swim in my tears, everyone.

God.

2007-01-07T04:14:00.000-06:00

Horribly upset. Horribly distressed.
Wish I wasn't here.
Need distraction badly.
Feel bad for leaning on friends.
Sleeping like shit. Nightmares every time I close my eyes, even for naps. Waking up at all hours. Can't get back to sleep.

I suppose the only good thing about this whole mess is that I'm being forced to trust.

I got a book of common poisonous plants for Christmas over here. Ever heard of angel's trumpet?

Some Letters to God from Kids

2007-01-07T02:07:00.000-06:00

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tue. That was cool.
Eugene

Dear God,
Is reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business?
Donny

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.
Charles

Dear God,
It rained for our whole holiday and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say. But I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend,
But I am not going to tell you who I am

Dear God,
I keep waiting for Spring but it never come yet. Don't forget.
Mark

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Frank

13 Hours

2007-01-04T03:54:00.000-06:00

till my plane takes off, and I left my passports, student ID, rail card, and various other important things at my mom's house. Damn. Also, I can't find my UK plug for my laptop. Also, all my clothes are dirty. Also, I need some sort of Wii-protecting-bag. Also, I need to actually put the clothes I have out into my bags.

Fuck.

I Win (Read: I Lose)

2007-01-02T01:16:00.000-06:00

I am really good at faking happiness. Humour is a big part of it. If you're making everyone laugh, nobody suspects you turn it on as soon as you're within range of them. I'm really good at that.

One more thing:
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me captain backfire

I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me

Emma Went Crazy with her Hair

2006-12-31T18:01:00.000-06:00

Yea, she did. Amazing I know. When my mom saw it she said 'wow'. For those of you who don't know, I've worn my hair the same way since I was old enough to tell my mom 'I want to grow my hair out long' - that would be when I was about 3. So for the first time in my life, I've done something different with it, for better or worse.

I'm horribly depressed at the moment. Of course, I spend most of my time depressed, so that's not unusual. A lot of things have gone right in my life in the past few days. For a 24-hour period, it seemed almost like God was trying to make up for 3 months of suck. And I am grateful for that, and it probably has lessened my depression some. But, I still see myself as worthless, a fool, stupid, incompetent, a waste of space, time, and air. How do you change how you see yourself? I have a lot of issues. I honestly believe that I'm not worthy of friends, and that the limited contact I get to have with my friends (probably for no other reason than that they're busy people with lives of their own) is a reflection that I am not worth hanging around or spending time with. I see the lack of people wanting to hang out with me as proof that I am worthless. And so I believe I'm worthless. And really I probably am. I don't contribute much to this world anymore except a body that puts UK-made-money into the US economy - so I suppose to the government I'm not useless. Yippee.

I've realised that this isn't going to change. I don't know how to think more of myself. Sometimes I really do want to, I'm pretty sick of being borderline-suicidal, you know. Honestly I am. But how do you convince yourself you're worth something. I try and seek friendship, to prove to myself that see, someone does like to talk to you, someone does want to talk to you of their own free will, and spend time with you of their own free will, so they must see something in you, so you must be worth something. But so far that is backfiring. People would probably say that I can't depend on friends for that, but I don't know how else to do it. How do you just... have worth. If anyone has any suggestions I'd be happy to hear them, really.

The problem is, I let everyone have a say over who I am but me. Someone says 'you're a fool,' and I completely and totally believe it. The solution sounds easy, right? Just stop believing what other people say. But I can't. You can't when you have no self-esteem. When in your mind, it makes perfect sense, and you take a step back, and look at yourself, and say 'They're right. I am a fool.' Except, instead of going 'I will change that,' I think 'Thus, I am worthless, and always will be, because I never manage to change enough, always fail, and so will continue to be a fool forever.' I don't know. I look at all this scribbling and I tell myself I'm pathetic for writing it. Why burden people with my own problems, right? I can't seem to stop doing it, so it just makes me more of a fool, more worthless. Honestly, there is no value in a friendship with me. I can tell by the way people look at me, talk to me. Paranoid, I know.

Is it possible to get rid of yourself? I've contemplated it often. The brain is an amazing and fucked-up thing. Would it be possible, if I tried hard enough, to completely de-root Emma, and replace her with some new person? Someone who didn't hurt, and was probably a complete bitch, but could handle the situation I'm in? Who would throw the shit back in the faces of the shitter, instead of following societal rules that everyone else seems to ignore? I really hate being myself. I want to be someone whom I actually like. Maybe that's why I cut my hair, and am now looking into other ways to try and erase the Emma that's been around for years, at least physically. It will probably just end up fucking me up more, but whatever. I don't know what else to do.

My continued wish is that I'd stop bothering people. Stop causing people to have to continue to deal with me. Stop making everyone miserable. I should just go away. I have considered just disappearing, but I am too weak. People would get all mad about suicide, and upset, but people can't really get upset if you just make a choice to, you know, concentrate on your studies, decrease contact with peoples. Stop making people miserable through ceasing contact. But, like I said, I'm too weak. It would end badly. So, I probably won't even try. I feel horribly guilty for continuing to bother people that I do. But I am so full of empty, so full of pain, and think so little of myself, I don't know what else to sustain my existence on but people. That's not fair to them, though. Let them go and sustain yourself, say people, but I'm not strong enough for that, because I honestly don't believe I'm worth sustaining.

Accident rate triples on New Year's Eve, and the plan of the people I'm apparently going to be with includes a good amount of driving. So, tonight I might die or be permanently disabled. But, the odds are still against that, so I will probably be fine.

Letter to America

2006-12-24T09:05:00.000-06:00

to Emma
merry Christmas.I am looking forward to when you come over we haven't had any snow yet but I'm hoping that we will get some soon.Good news!!!
me and Alice have got are bronze in gymnastics and we got are level 8 in swimming we all so got the table of the week at school at lunch time which means that you get to go first every day of the week and we got it on the last week of term which is the best week.hope things are well in America.
love from Heather xoxoxoox

(Age 8 (almost 9))

(Some of those 'are's are 'our's)

Merry Christmas, everyone. May all your loved ones send you adorably cute letters that brighten your day. May all your friends be good and kind. May all your days be bright and happy. May all your presents be thoughtful and appreciated. May all your loved ones be close at heart, even if a thousand miles away.

I'll be home for Christmas,
You can count on me...
I'll be home for Christmas...
If only in my dreams...