A More Serious Note

Hello friends and family. I just wanted to let you all know what was going on in my life at the moment. I'll tell the long version of the story. If you want the short version, scroll down to the part labelled as important.

Those of you whom I tagged in this post are just those I thought would want to hear the story most - I wanted to make sure you at least read the important part, so please do.

Yesterday Sean (that's the new BF for those of you not in the know (or not paying attention to Facebook)) and I took his best friend, Nick (who is down from Idaho), to the Scarborough Faire. We entered the faire and unfortunately only made it along a few of the booths before we stopped at the glass blowing demonstration. My stomach was mildly hurting, but I didn't think much of it. However, near the end of the exhibit I started to feel very tired and light-headed. Luckily the people in front of us got up and left, so I sat down and warned Sean that I was feeling very light-headed and that I might faint. Luckily he took that hint very seriously and stood behind me and held me up, as I soon blacked out.

According to Sean and Nick (who is a CNA (works in the medical field)), I had some small convulsions and then went limp when I was out, which lasted about 6 seconds. When I came to, I had had a dream, and was disoriented for a short time. Nick was sitting in front of me, but I didn't know who he was or where I was. My whole body ached and I was confused and afraid. Things didn't get better, however, as I was feeling nauseous and like I was going to black out again. Slowly my vision faded - it was like someone had turned a dimmer down on the world. All I could see was vague outlines and shapes - like I was in a dark room and my eyes had adjusted. My hearing was bad - it sounded like everything was far away.

I was extremely scared. I remember looking at Sean and barely being able to see his face. I remember him asking me how he could dial my mom, and looking at my phone and not being able to see the buttons. I honestly felt like it was a dream. I know people say that all the time, but it was the only way my brain could comprehend it. I looked at Sean and asked him to make it stop. I was seriously afraid of three things: 1) That I would die 2) That I would never see again 3) That I had a brain tumour.

Nick went and called the paramedics, and I put my head down on my lap as my vision and hearing slowly started to return. It was only for about 5 minutes that I was like that, but it felt like eternity. The paramedics came and thankfully by then I could see and hear, though I was still very confused and dizzy. They half carried me to the golf cart, where I sat down and they drove me to the paramedic tent thing. I was terrified, and wanted Sean to come, but they made him walk behind (it wasn't that far). Sean said I gave him a look of absolute terror as we started to pull away, and I don't doubt it.

When we got to the paramedic's tent, they took my blood pressure (80/50 - incredibly low) and heart rate (56 - also incredibly low) and blood sugar (normal). They asked me a million questions and wouldn't let Sean come in for forever. They had the air conditioning on full blast and I was freezing cold. Finally they told me that they didn't know what had caused me, so they needed me to go to the ER. Sean gave Nick the keys and he pulled my car around, and I lay in the back with Sean while Nick drove me to the nearest hospital.

When we got to the hospital, I was admitted quickly. They had me give a urine sample, took blood for labs, gave me an IV for fluids (I was slightly dehydrated), gave me an EKG, CT scan, and chest x-rays. We were in the hospital until 8 (arrived at 3) waiting for preliminary results and discharge. I slowly was feeling better and better, and by the end, I was feeling fine. All the prelim results came back clear, and they said I could go, though they'd call us as soon as possible with the full results of the x-ray and CT scan readings.

They let me go, and my mom bought Sean, Nick, and I dinner (she'd driven down, of course) as thanks to Sean and Nick for taking care of me. I was told to drink lots of fluids and to take it easy. I couldn't drive or be unsupervised for the next 24 hours. Luckily with Sean around that was no issue : ). (I have to say a huge thanks here to Sean and Nick, who handled the whole incident calmly and professionally and took absolutely incredible care of me through the whole thing, and even to now.)

Anyway, last night and today, apart from feeling a little tired and having a little bit of a sore stomach, I have been feeling fine.

IMPORTANT PART:
The ER PA who took care of me yesterday called me today at around 2:30pm. He told me he needed to talk to me, and told me that the final reading of my CT scan had come back.

They have found a 1.3cm cystic lesion in the medial left temporal lobe of my brain. They do not think it is solid, they don't think it's cancerous, and they don't think it's anything to be worried about. However, I've got to go get an MRI so they can get a better look and see a neurosurgeon. There's a chance that it's absolutely nothing and has nothing to do with my passing out - just one of those things they find while they were looking for something else. If it is causing trouble, it's likely just because it's pressing on something else, not anything more sinister. I do not know what kind of procedures or treatment might be required.

Obviously this news is very shocking to me, Nick, Sean, and my family, and I am not afraid to say that I am nervous about what is to come. I will keep you all updated as I find out what's going on in my crazy brain.

That's all. Let's all hope, or pray, or meditate, or whatever you do, that it all turns out to be nothing and it's a very boring story from this point out.

One Hell of a Day

Well, 1pm might seem like a weird time to make a post about a 'day' since it's obviously nowhere near over. However today has been so remarkably crazy already that I thought you all might enjoy hearing the story thus far.

Today I have:
1) Woken up at 5am to review for microbiology test
2) Bombed said micro test because I apparently completely misunderstood what we were supposed to know (and from the feeling in the room, I don't think I'm alone on that)
3) Had a cell phone thrown and land about 2 feet from me and completely shatter. (And that is not the full story at all, but I'm not posting that here.)
4) Been diagnosed with salmonella (yes, no joke!)
5) Been given my last Gardasil injection, which is definitely not one of the low-pain vaccinations

And for those of you curious, I most likely got the salmonella from the Reata stand on Thursday during the Main St festival. I had the chicken tacos. So if you know anyone who ate the same thing on the same day and is having stomach troubles, tell them to go to the doctor or somehow get ahold of ciprofloxacin. (Ah, cipro! My guardian angel while in Ecuador! You have returned!)

Anyway, though I was pretty messed up earlier today, I'm doing absolutely fine now. Especially about the salmonella, since at least it's easily treated. I was beginning to fear all my tests would come back negative and figuring out what was wrong with me would stretch far into the summer and mean going to a GI doctor and having who knows what kind of horrible tests done.

Also glad about Gardasil, since now I can go around sleeping with, like, everything that moves and be completely ok. Because that's what the shot's supposed to do, right? Reassure you that's ok to be promiscuous? Oh wait, sorry, someone bumped on my 'Conservative Christian' button for a moment. Let's try again: since now I can rest assured that whatever happens in life (including rape and a committed partner cheating), I am well-protected against cervical cancer.

I have more to write about Gardasil some other time - it's a topic I've been stewing over for a few days now. But for now, I'm off to go pick up my micro lab test.

I hope the rest of you have significantly less eventful days than me - unless you too are hoping for a salmonella diagnosis, of course!

Ad Songs & Me Rambling On

Well, I really should be working on my nutrition brochure that I just got assigned (I knew today would end my wonderful break!), but I'm a little pissed off. See, we're supposed to be writing it to be at an 8th grade reading level (Word apparently can show you this - I didn't know that!). Unfortunately, using the words "protein, fiber, vitamins, and minerals" pushes my brochure's reading level from 7.3 to 8.6 - 1.3 grades! How I am supposed to write a nutritional brochure without using "protein," "fiber," "vitamins," or "minerals" is beyond me. I've emailed Dr.Hill about it - we'll see what she says.

Anyway, in the meantime, I thought I'd be completely unproductive and write about music. I was talking to a friend the other day and realised that many of the songs I've purchased recently over iTunes (using up a $30 gift certificate, yey!) are songs from ads. And, according to the 'popularity rating' of the songs when I find them on iTunes, I'm not the only one doing this. I wonder when this trend began? I'm absolutely positive it's due to the advent of being able to purchase one song immediately - I'd have maybe one of these songs if I had to go drive to a store and buy the album. Whether the song's popularity has affected the effectiveness of the ad, I don't know. I can't say that I've purchased any of the products featured on these song's ads since the ad's premiere, but I do, for the most part, remember the product attached to each song.

Anyway, here is my list of 'ad-songs':

'Remind Me (Radio Edit)' by Royksopp - Featured in the 'airport caveman' Geico commercial. When he's on the sidewalk. I like this ad so much I recorded it on my camera. More on that later.
'Le Disko' by Shiny Toy Guns - Featured on the 'knife-fight on the subway' Razr ad. I like how the phone stuck in the wall when it was thrown.
'1234' by Feist - You all know this one - featured on the new iPod Nano commercial by Apple.
'Never the Same' by Supreme Beings of Leisure - Featured in a Christmas-time Johnny Walker Black Label ad. I was fond of this ad, as the whole screen was black except the outline of the label and the whiskey itself. Very artsy.
'New Soul' by Yael Naim - Another one you all know. Featured in the MacBook Air commercials.
'I Melt With You' by Modern English - Featured in the Taco Bell 'cheesy beefy melt' commerical.
'Can't Get It Right Today' by Joe Purdy - This is the one exact product I don't remember (I remember the ad but not the brand)... *goes to look it up.* Ah, featured in the Kia Spectra ad - where everyone's pulling into the gas station and doesn't remember which side the gas tank is on.
'Sweet Pea' by Amos Lee - Featured in the AT&T 'business trip dad/pictures of the monkey everywhere' ad. Fond of this ad too - touching! I liked this song enough that I did end up going out and buying the whole album, which I'm glad I did.

So! The Royksopp song. I think it's the song/ad combination that touches me so powerfully. The ad, if you don't remember, is the caveman standing on a moving pavement in the airport and going past those lit-up wall-billboards, carrying bags, checking his ticket, obviously headed to the gate. The camera angle changes once at the end, where you can see that on the opposite wall there's a window overlooking gangways and planes pulled up to gates. As simplistic as the scene is, it hits me with profound meaning. So much of my life is embodied right there - moving sidewalks in airports around the world, checking the ticket, looking for the gate. Heading to wherever it is I need to be, whatever family has it's 'turn'. I can't really explain it, and don't really expect anyone else to understand.

The song itself is meaningful as well. In the commercial, the only lyrics you hear are, 'And everywhere I go, there's always something to remind me, of another place and time'. I can relate to that, for sure. Maybe everyone can. Not a day go goes by, either here or in the UK, that I don't think of something or someone in the other location and, even if for a fleeting second, wish I was there instead. That's especially true when I think of Kenneth, Alice, and Heather. Or just climbing up to the top of the hill outside the cottage and standing in the cold, bracing wind until I forget whatever strains are on my mind. Obviously no matter which country I'm in I have that experience, so I don't sit and pine (ok, well, maybe occasionally!), but it's something I've dealt with for a long time.

In the radio edit of the song, the opening lyrics are:
"It's only been a week,
The rush of being home in rapid fading.
Prevailing to recall
What I was missing, all that time in England

Has sent me aimlessly,
On foot or by the help of transportation,
To knock on windows where
A friend no longer lives, I had forgotten."
Obviously, I often feel that's fairly accurate. No matter where I am, I'm glaringly aware of what I'm missing out on wherever I'm not. And whenever I arrive, I have to catch up on whatever's changed. I'll have to interject at this point that I realise this is just the deal whenever you travel, or even if you're doing something like going to college far from your home. It's not like I sit around being miserable because I'm not in the US/UK, but I guess it might seem strange that it bothers me more than average Joe college student who rarely goes home. Perhaps just because I don't know much else - from age 5 I've had that feeling. Or maybe that's just part of Emma being Emma - who knows. I have more thoughts on that, but I'm probably starting to sound whiny and I'm running out of time before class. I'm just trying to share some lyrics that hit me, not depress you all - I swear! : )

So I'll leave you with some last words from the Royksopp song:
"Brave men tell the truth,
A wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles,
A woman holds her tongue,
Knowing silence will speak for her. "
; D

Viva la Evolution!

Thankfully, most of the people I know accept that microevolution* is present in the world all around us. (I'm not really sure how people who don't believe in microevolution explain drug-resistant bacteria and etc - perhaps witchcraft? I've never had the pleasure of discussing evolution with such a person.)

However, they still are not convinced about macroevolution. It can be hard for someone versed in evolution/biology to understand why someone could accept one and not the other, as this quote reflects:

Saying you believe in microevolution, but not macroevolution, is like saying you believe atoms exist but that you don't believe you're made out of them simply because you don't see how something so small can be a part of something so much larger.
- (Credit to Patrick Hunter, in an evolution group on Facebook)

While the quote is humorous, and pretty true in my opinion, I believe there are two main reasons for why people balk at macroevolution:

1. Understanding 'Species' - There is a huge amount of controversy in the defining of what makes a 'species,' and how to differentiate species. Most people tend to take the species rules commonly used that they know at face value, without really questioning how obviously incomplete they are. We have classified animals as different species based on tiny differences in colouration, shape, or size, even when they can produce viable and fertile offspring. Yet they're on different sides of a mountain, and don't meet, and so don't breed in nature, so we call them different species. Well, hey, before the Portuguese discovered Australia, Europeans certainly looked different from aborigines, and certainly didn't interbreed. Different species? Of course we can't say that, since it's not politically correct - but it's a good example of where our species rules have gotten us. Not to say that they aren't damn good rules - it's just that it's hard to draw a line where there almost isn't one (hint hint). Species are in the eyes of humans ONLY.
So, forgetting this, people tend to think of macroevolution in the largest possible terms - amoeba to fish, or multi-celled creature to man. When, really, if you can accept that a few changes in size, colour, and shape can stop some specimens from back-breeding with those who don't have the changes, you have the foundation of macroevolution. Now it's not far to see the mutations that accumulated to differentiate a King penguin from a Galapagos penguin. And from there, it's not hard to see how penguins differentiated from sea-going (swimming) birds, and sea-going birds from land-going birds. Follow that on up, and you're well on your way.

2. People Don't Understand Genetics - Many people tell me they can't accept macroevolution because 'it just doesn't make sense to me.' To really understand evolution, one must understand genes. And mutation. And alleles. And frequency of alleles. And 'fitness.' And 'relative fitness.' And change in frequency of alleles. And natural selection. And heritability. Obviously, that's a lot to ask, and a lot to learn, especially if your biology understanding is basic. Once you can get a picture of all of this in your head, evolution clears up quite a bit - better understanding the behaviour of genes alone (never mind really understanding what 'fitness' means) can make a huge difference in someone's comprehension level of evolution.
But part of me wants to say that this isn't really an excuse. Can we/should we believe what we don't fully understand? In an ideal world the answer is no. But hey, this is reality. We believe things we don't understand all the time. I don't fully understand why really big things attract other things (gravity), but I believe it's true - and I doubt anyone's going to call me gullible for doing so. On the other hand, I don't want to tell people to just 'trust' what I say when I tell them that evolution is real because I'm a biologist and I understand it. But, back to the other side, can ignorance really be claimed as a reason not to believe something? 'I don't understand it thus it can't be true?' If I really questioned the validity of gravity, I'd go out and try and find out more. I don't think it's asking too much for those who don't believe in evolution to go learn some basic information so that they can better understand what 'doesn't make sense to them.'

I guess I do like the quote at the top more than I admitted at first. It's true - just because you yourself can't see how something fits in to the big picture doesn't mean it isn't the truth anyway. Even if it's incredibly hard to picture (can you truly wrap your mind around the fact you're made of itty-bitty tiny atoms whose properties are nothing like you?), it far from means it's impossible.

So go out there, guys, and Viva la Evolution!

*I know these terms (microevolution/macroevolution) have some controversy about what they *exactly* mean, especially in the argument's context, but whatever.

'Protecting Innocence' means 'It Makes me Uncomfortable!' I Play You a Tiny Violin

I'm tired and I don't have the time or energy to write a long post, but I wanted to write something before it slipped my mind.

It's occurred to me that one of the main obstacles in this world is the unwillingness of grownups/parents to accept their child will, someday, be a sexual being, just like most of the rest of us end up being. The problem is, of course, all the more pronounced with little girls. Now before you get all 'OMG PEDOPHILE' on my ass, let me direct you to the article that re-sparked this thought: My Daughter Has a Hand Mirror. Basically it's an article laughing at some conservative blogger freaking out because a book for young people on sexuality seems to endorse young girls looking at their genitals with a mirror.

It's rather befuddling. Why would anyone be opposed to this? Honestly? I guess people believe that discovery of sexual organs leads to interest in sex? People seems to be so obsessed with this 'violation of innocence'. Well, here's a newsflash - your daughter figuring out where her clitoris is isn't going to be violating any innocence. Most likely she's going to think nothing of it and go about her little life just like normal. Why this belief that she's suddenly (apparently) going to become some different person? Why this idea that knowing about sex puts this huge burden on someone? I mean, come on, when you found out about sex, how deeply did you fall into depression? How did you mourn the passing of your childhood? I don't remember a time I didn't know what sex was, and I never remember it being distressing, and certainly it didn't make me grow up any faster. Hell, I lived in my own imaginary world for probably way too long. (I might even stretch to add here that if learning about sex is overwhelmingly distressing, whatever they've just been taught is probably an overall distressing version of what sex is that would even cause me distress.)

Of course sex is the realm of adults, and of course we don't want children involved in sexual acts with other people. But unless your kid has other issues, your daughter at age 8 isn't interested in sex, at all! Except for maybe that shy curiosity, like I had, but hey, if it was in my mom's home medical guide, I wanted to understand it inside-out. Telling them about sex, letting them learn about their own sexual organs, even them learning how to pleasure themselves sexually (as long as it doesn't get out of hand/become a dependency/not in public, etc) - none of this is going to ruin their innocence, or change who they are. In fact, my best bet is that it will teach them to be more comfortable with their bodies, better love the person they are, and be better prepared for sexual experiences later in life (with a strong foundation of knowing themselves as sexual being before some man-boy comes and makes them one before their own self-realization).

Bottom line is this: The only reason you are afraid of spoiling your child's 'innocence' is because you yourself are uncomfortable with the idea, and it makes you all squirmy. Well, get over yourself. Your kid is a person, and will someday be a sexual person, whether you like it or not, so don't try and hide ('shield') it from them - let them learn to love their whole selves.

However, if you have some proof that 9-year-olds looking at their vaginas causes them to become street-walking whores or depressed suicidal maniacs, please let me know.

Ok, well, I hope that made some sense. I'm off to go sit in my internet-less apartment now.

Those Old Questionnaires

While Google-ing myself (oh, come-on, you all do it too!) I came across one of those old question things everyone used to post on blogs. You know the ones, where they had like 80 questions and you had to answer pointless weird questions about yourself.

Well anyway, I started reading through it, and began thinking it was a really interesting way of seeing how life had changed. It was from July 2004, which was when I was fresh out of high school and before I'd officially started at Southwestern. Oh, life since then!

So I re-posted the questions with my 'modern day' answers below the originals, in blue font. Take a look if you want, but maybe it was just mostly for me. Maybe in another 4 years I'll go back and do it again : )

See it HERE

Cats and God

I found this article online weeks ago, when I was looking for a home for Leo, the orange tabby stray I took in. It's a story about a minister who takes in a stray cat (Katie), and I really, really like one of the points it makes. Perhaps it won't make so much sense to 'dog people,' because dogs are in general more obedient/trainable, but for cat people, or even people who know cats, it makes perfect sense. I know it's long, but I promise it's worth reading:

"Katie never seeks self-improvement. She never petitions us to help her become a better cat. It probably never enters her cat-mind that she needs improvement.

...

And that is not because she is a perfectly obedient cat. She does not always do our will. She gives us our dawn-licking even though we command her to stop. She often refuses to come when called. She sometimes jumps on the dinner table even though we have clearly instructed her not to. She disobeys our commandments and ignores our will.

She even has a Pharisaic streak in her. She over-obeys one of our commandments. She obeys so well our dictum, "Thou shalt urinate and defecate only in the cat-box" that, if she is outside and needs to relieve herself, she scratches at the screen-door to come indoors to use her facilities!

She is not, by religious standards, a righteous cat. Yet, despite her breaking of our rules, we love her.

No, more than that: because she breaks our rules we love her. Her very disobedience is a part of the perfection of her felinity. She is perfectly cat-like and being cat-like includes indifference to our desires. We find her independence delightful (most of the time).

Might not God feel the same way about me? I have been told that the Lord accepts me the way I am. Might there not be more than mere acceptance? What if God enjoys me the way I am? Maybe the Holy One takes a certain wry pleasure in my indifference to the divine will, a certain amusement in my attempts to get away with something...."

(Read the whole article here.)

It's true. I don't love Svara because she does everything I say, or because she never jumps on the counter (she does) or never throws up on the floor (she does) or never sneaks into an 'off limits' room (she does). I love her because she's her. She does her own thing - she might be 'mine' but I certainly don't control her. And I have no desire to control her. In her independence I find pleasure. Is it so hard to believe that God feels the same way about us? Perhaps we don't always follow the rules, perhaps we don't always do the right thing. I didn't get my cat just so I could indefinitely keep her off tables, stop her throwing up on the carpet, and barricade my off-limits rooms. And I really doubt God created us just to follow his rules.


For those of you who don't know, I'm not a religious person. I created my own religion, with one member (me) (you can find details of it in previous blog-posts). I've always had a very peaceful, abstract idea of God and life, and it works really well for me. However, I do feel the need to talk about it from time to time just because it bugs me how vengeful, angry, controlling, selfish, and petty everyone else's God seems to be. My God is to me as I am to Svara: no matter how many times I throw up on his carpet, there will always be a place for me in his heart and his arms.