Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I Can't Control What Happens...

...but I can control how I react to what happens. And that, in turn, can sometimes influence other things that happen. So, you're never powerless in the face of life.

Monday, January 29, 2007


I don't really know what to make of anything at the moment. My brain is a jumble and a haze, and the fact that my stomach is hurting and sloshing and my head is light and woozy doesn't help.

Right now sleep sounds so very appealing, though apparently my relatively good mood yesterday did not help to stave away nightmares.

Man, I feel really sick. I'm a little worried because painful stomach and woozy head are the two symptoms I experienced before the two times I've fainted in my life.

Anyway, yea. My head is a huge jumble right now. Everything all tied in knots. One minute I'm worrying, or going back to that feeling of expecting the worst, just in general, the next minute I'm feeling like whatever happens happens and things will be ok. It's very strange, and confusing. And nobody should read very much into that because these are just words, and they do not adequately or accurately convey the complex neurological pathways of my brain.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Pomegranate Martini

I feel like I should make a post. I don't really know about what. I am very exhausted right now, so I feel a little floaty.

Last night was a great night. It was fun. It was happy. It was full of friends. It was full of talking and talking, and dancing, and singing. Oh yea, and drinking. Heh.

Right now, I'm not worrying about tomorrow. It is a nice feeling to just remember and be happy. I don't know what's coming, but somehow, at least in this moment, I feel that things will somehow be ok. Because at the end of the day, if nothing else in the world, I have the most awesome friends ever. And they're there for me.

Damn, I'm lucky.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Today I Cried A Lot

I was doing well before recently. I really was. I was to the point of contemplating some things that I'm sure would have been seen as steps in the 'right' direction. Now I am back to square one. Except this time I am weaker. I am battle-weary. I am tired of fighting and getting hurt. There's still one step down on the ladder before there's nothing but empty space and pain. In other words, there's still one way things could get worse. But this low down on the ladder, it seems like I'm only going to be hanging on for a while before I'm knocked down and falling. With the track record so far, it's bound to happen. But you know? If I had to pick between recent events and the one thing left, you might be surprised at my choice. But it doesn't matter, because I don't get to choose. And the downhill fall will continue, I'm sure. It's hard to convince myself it's worth waiting around for that.

I can't believe this is my life. I'm tired of being me. Give me a new body, make me someone else. So I can start again. So I can be anyone but me. So I can have another chance.

I'm in a very bad place in my mind. And it's not letting up. And I don't know if I can do this.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I searched my brain, honestly, and I can't think of one reason why I should wake up tomorrow

You know what I did? Such a stupid fool I am. I dared to hope. I dared to believe life was getting better. Ha! Such an idiot. Why did I ever fall for that stupidness again.

You know what happened? Guess. I got hurt. I got burned. I got my heart ripped out and my soul torn to pieces. Yet again. Going on 4 months now, a life of pain and pain, and no hope that lasts. No light at the end of the tunnel, no reason to get up tomorrow. Isn't hope what we all live for? The hope of this, or that, or so and so will date us, or we'll get such and such job, or have kids, or travel the world. I have no hope. My hope is broken. My trust is broken. I can't trust you. I can't trust me. I can't trust anyone. I can't trust my dreams, I can't trust my future. I can't trust that I won't continue to hurt and hurt, and that you fuckers won't not hurt me. What did I do? What Judas was I in a past life to deserve this now? When does my break come? When do I get to feel happy again? When do I get to look forward, for any reason at all, to waking up in the morning? When do I get to look into the future and see anything at all? When do I get to stop talking myself out of suicide because I don't want to die anymore?

This has to end. This has to stop. Something's got to give. And it looks like the winner is me.

To everyone: I'm sorry I'm a fuck-up worthless waste of time and energy, undeserving of friends or friendship, that deals out pain and unhappiness and fills up valuable webspace with worthless depressed rantings that nobody gives a shit about.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

There is Nothing

Yea. All that hope I had? Definitely gone. My conclusion is that there is no good in life. Only bad things and false hope. If you think something's good, it's actually not, it's just false hope.

I am full of pain. My eyes are full of tears.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Sleep Deserts Me

Odd time to post, I know. I woke up at 4:30 this morning, dozed in and out of spells of sleep until 6, then got up. My alarm should just now be going off (at 8). I don't have class until 11.

I take this as a sign of perhaps some remaining jet-lag, but considering I'm fairly tired at the moment, more as a sign that after going so long with such a bad quality of sleep, and not being able to sleep more than 4-6 hours, it's actually impossible for me to sleep more than 6 hours unless I'm very, very tired. It's also a sign of my continuing crappy sleep. Nightmares, waking up all the time. I have horrible, horrible dreams. Usually at the end of the dream I realise I'm dreaming, so then I have the challenge of waking myself up. Once I actually managed to pinch myself, and what do you know, it worked. Mostly I just have to get one arm to move, or to turn my head. If you've ever been in that situation, you know how fucking hard that is. It's exhausting to wake yourself up, to get your body to obey a dream-bound mind. It feels like you're trapped in an iron body that can't be moved.

Sigh. So that's my sleep situation. That's why I'm posting - because I'm ready for school and have no reason to leave for another hour and a half at the earliest.

All that hope I mentioned in the last post - it's pretty much gone. 48 hours, remember? I guess I still have a tad of hope about a few things, but I don't know, right now things look confusing, sad. So I am confused and sad. I want to be a good friend. I don't feel like I'm very good at that. I hope I can keep the friendships I have.

Sigh. I'm upset. I'll just stop here. I worry. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

"The future has a way of arriving unannounced"

- George Will

I worry so much. Too much. I stress too much too. Today, during my one class, I suddenly had this moment where I was looking to the future of this semester. Except that somehow I managed to block - just for 4 seconds - all of the worry, all of the bad things that could possibly happen. And instead, I just saw these great friendships, and all the fun and happiness they could bring me, and companionship, and good times. I saw without worry, and without my constant distrust and thus disbelief that a good situation can stay good for any longer than 48 hours.

It was so nice.

So simple.

I wish I could hang onto it. I've been trying to revive it all day, in my mind, but it's impossible. I wish I could have faith that that happy vision I saw could be reality. I hope it is reality, because it would be so nice, so happy. So pain-free. Or at least excruciating-pain-free. (Life's never pain-free I suppose.) How do you stop worrying about things? How do you stop expecting the worst so that if it happens you're less hurt? But then, see, I'm not sure I'd go through with it if I knew how - because if you aren't aware and conscious of all situations, you can go into denial, or just be ignorant, and make things worse unintentionally, or just not realise reality until things are very bad and you get punched in the face. And of course, if you're expecting good things and they don't happen, you're hurt badly. If you're expecting bad things, you're still hurt, but at least you're not surprised.

I've always been someone driven by my friends. Well, ever since I woke up to the reality that there's a world outside of my head, which was around 9th grade. I feel that truth stronger than ever now. I have so many friendships just sprouting from the ground, and they all mean the world to me, and I want so much for them all to grow into wonderful things. I tend them the best I can, and then I hope. I hope bad things don't happen. I hope for no more hurting. I hope for calmness. I hope for stability. I hope to feel I have the chance to get my head in a situation, and perhaps if it stays the same long enough I'll be able to start trusting that the world isn't going to fall on me tomorrow. So I hope for stability.

I don't have to hope for friends because I have friends, but I hope for good friendships that last and are happy.

I hope for things to go right.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


im posting because im down. i was feeling better, but now the down
feeling creeps back. i tell myself, trust, emma, trust. and i really
do try. i suppose a good thing of all this is that i am trusting more.
theres nothing else i can do. its reluctantly,though...i am still
waiting for my trust to get me horribly hurt.. still..maybe this time
i can trust and it will not be broken.. i feel a glimmer of hope,. but
it seems incomprehensible to me.. i feel lonely, like the world is
full of 2s and im a 1. i just borrow people from their match whenever
i can. oh well, such is the world. i am grateful for the time my
friends can give me. i shouldn't be greedy. i always worry so much,
how do you stop worrying? im getting very tired, writing this on my
phone.. to the point where my worries blur in my whirling mind.. i
hope all is well. i hope i dont end up hurt. please let the good
things stay good...

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I'm Stupid

It haunts me endlessly how one thing can mess everything up so much. I shouldn't go on about it though. But it's haunting, knowing that a good thing all messed up now, which you never even in your wildest thoughts predicted would happen. All I can do is hope that things will perhaps get better. And oh do I hope.

Something has been bothering me a lot lately, unrelated. But I know the wise thing to do is keep my mouth shut and let life go on.

I have this urge to go out and do something wild and crazy, but I know I'd probably regret it. It's a stupid urge anyway, just me going crazy inside my head. Further drive to try and un-become me, I suppose, so I shouldn't listen, or so it seems.

Just for the record - I'm about to make a big mistake I will probably regret forever, but hey, I managed to get myself in to a dilemma again (can't have a dilemma without emma), so what way is there to get out but a bad way. Cheer me on and swim in my tears, everyone.

Sunday, January 07, 2007


Horribly upset. Horribly distressed.
Wish I wasn't here.
Need distraction badly.
Feel bad for leaning on friends.
Sleeping like shit. Nightmares every time I close my eyes, even for naps. Waking up at all hours. Can't get back to sleep.

I suppose the only good thing about this whole mess is that I'm being forced to trust.

I got a book of common poisonous plants for Christmas over here. Ever heard of angel's trumpet?

Some Letters to God from Kids

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tue. That was cool.

Dear God,
Is reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business?

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.

Dear God,
It rained for our whole holiday and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say. But I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend,
But I am not going to tell you who I am

Dear God,
I keep waiting for Spring but it never come yet. Don't forget.

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

13 Hours

till my plane takes off, and I left my passports, student ID, rail card, and various other important things at my mom's house. Damn. Also, I can't find my UK plug for my laptop. Also, all my clothes are dirty. Also, I need some sort of Wii-protecting-bag. Also, I need to actually put the clothes I have out into my bags.


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I Win (Read: I Lose)

I am really good at faking happiness. Humour is a big part of it. If you're making everyone laugh, nobody suspects you turn it on as soon as you're within range of them. I'm really good at that.

One more thing:
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me captain backfire

I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me