Thursday, July 31, 2003

i just installed google tookbar 2.0 beta... how cool! it's got a blogspot posting button! maybe this is old news. oh well! i think it's cool! i already thought the google toolbar was cool, but this is very very cool. now i can post non-stop.. isnt that great?? hehe.
freezefire666: too many blogs now
freezefire666: too many to chefck!
freezefire666: *sigh*
XTeamWriter1: yeah everyone has a fucking blog
freezefire666: i should make one for my dog
freezefire666: and my cat
freezefire666: and my turtle
freezefire666: and set all of my siblings up with one
XTeamWriter1: i should make one for every part of my body
freezefire666: hey there you go
freezefire666: "emma's left foot tells all"

for those of you curious about my new cool laptop, here is a random link that i found about it:

we bought it at a store called john lewis, not this store.

i've added the new people's blogs to the top of the page. yea... i know. it looks crap. but i've not had time to do much mroe than that.. i wasnt even going to do that, but alé was threatening to kill me, so i did! *cowers*

so deal with iT!

Tuesday, July 29, 2003


big huge lovely hugs to cam and oj, who met me at the airport, and ale and bry, who pre-organised something to do tonight which was fun and lovely, as i got to see everyone.

i'm so tired right now, it's off to sleep with me.
perhaps a party on friday? yes, friday, not thursday. i just need a location... ale! nick! *looks with big eyes* for a birthday? : P

anyway. sleep well, my sweet dear amis who have welcomed me back so lovingly!!

Sunday, July 27, 2003

I HATE BLOGGER. i just lost another post.

i'm pissed now, so here's the jist:

first: pretend i'm in happy mood cuz i was a second ago.

second, thanks for the comments, they really did make me feel better (and happy).

third: strikes at heathrow hopefully not going to interfere with my return (though hundreds of planes had been cancelled or lost). no trouble at gatwick though, so i should be back in 3 days (counting today counting the 29th). i should be arriving at 2:30pm on the 29th july. i think it'll be terminal B gate 31 (here's a map). if you're thinking of coming to meet me (cuz i'll think you are eternally cool and love you forever) then i suggest getting a few people and going in alé's big van or something of the like so you can all chip in for parking, etc. if there's no spaces or you feel like being cheap i suggest someone driving around (with a cell phone) or someone waiting with the car at the loading/unloading place. dont leave it unattended though.. you'll get towed. so yes. hopefully i'll get to see you all.. i've got presents. ^.^

forth: update on my old faithful lovely laptop is that i havnt got it back. i turned it over to a guy i trust who works with computers so he could reinstall windows and copy everything to another hdd and then back to mine, but no word from him and i'm worried cuz time is short.

fifth: some off the top of my head stats about my new laptop:
1.5GHz Pentium M
2.5cm thick
very light?
14.1" screen
shiny silver
GeForce 4 graphics card w/64mb ram
**fingerprint recognition** (for BIOS, login, encrypting files, viewing websites you select, and password remembering on the net)
40gb hdd

and yea.. it's samsung. the person on the tech line said that they dont make samsung computers in america.. vrai or non? the support center for america's in ft worth so that's cool, anyway.

anyway, it is time for me to go, eat breakfast and the like. i really am made happy by you guys commenting and proving your existance. i'll see you all soon. *gives everyone hugs*

my birthday is tomorrow, 17 at last, yey


Friday, July 18, 2003

ok... or not. no comments on my dilemma. oh well. right now i'm so pissed and depressed i really dont give a fuck. anyway. my laptop is broken. if you have any advice on how i can fix it, please tell me. that's why there is no long post here. i wrote everyday in paris, and was going to transfer it today. but of course, god has decided to thwart my innocent plans, so there is no post from paris. i dont even feel like talking about it. most of you are getting postcards, you'll find out about it then.
anyway. my computer. it shows up 'error starting explorer.exe, you must reinstall windows' i know.. i know.. i have to reinstall. but i need to know if there's any other option. i dont have the disks here, and i cannot reformat. i havnt got all this stuff on EmXP yet, so i need stuff off this hdd. i have no idea why it's messed up. it worked this morning....

anyway. if you want to meet me at the airport to go and see what flight goes from LGW (london gatwick) to DFW on 29 july arriving at about 2:40pm or so. talk to my mom, she might give you a ride. it would make me happy, but i'm pretty sure god will strike you down with lightning if you attempt to, as he's liking to make my life living hell right now, and seeing you guys would be happy, therefore it cannot happen.

*sigh* i'm sorry. i'm just pissed off. and i shouldnt be. but i am. i miss you guys something terrible right now. i really do. i had two good dreams, but they're just that: dreams. i cant talk to you, i cant see you. i'm lonely, god hates me.

going on holiday tomorrow, i dont know when i can get online again. maybe not till i come back. i'll try and call some of you. or something.

leave a comment, show you exist.

*bows in a very depressed manner*

oh yea. new laptop. samsung. wireless card built in.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

oops.. forgot to post AP scores
well i'm pissed with US history but BLAH TO IT ANYWAY

US History: 2
Biology: 5
English: 5

yey! i'm pretty overall happy. screw us history.
Sunday 13 July 2003 - 5:48pm GMT

well, here i am, back again. today was good fun. woke up 'late' at 10:10am (my dad usually has us up at 8:30 or 9) and had a casual breakfast of a teacake and a pineapple and mango (yum) yogert. it's beautiful outside today... blue skies and sun. blazing hot... at least for england : P. it's not so unusual to have great weather like this at the cottage, being further south and further inland it's sheltered from the cold sea wind and the nasty harr (thick clouds that move in from sea). i've got a bit of a tan eve, i think. hehe. i lay out in the lovely grass (all that rain is good for one thing!) and read the Sunday Times magazines as well as the Sun and Daily Express. libby put her cd player on and tried hard all day to get a tan.. no offense to anyone.. but blah, how boring. after a while i helped put up this lovely new padded swing-chair and sat in that for a while. then i paddled in my brother's paddling pool with him, and even Rex joined us for a while. i spent somemore time reading, and that brings us up to now, pretty much. we had lunch outside, just an assortment of cheese, crackers, fruit, and stuff. european, ce n'est pas? lol. then a bbq for tea. i also took some time out packing for france. it's blazing hot down there.. 30oC and up all week long. i have no idea how that compares on a F scale... i just know it's hotter than here! lol. my dad just now realised we'll be arriving in france on bastille day (french indepedence day). i realised this a while back, but assumed my dad knew this and that he thought there wouldnt be any problems. now we're not really sure what'll be going on, lol. what with parades and fireworks and stuff we're hoping we can reach our hotel without getting stuck somewhere for ages! once we get to the hotel, thought, it could be good fun, going out and seeing whats up.
i'm about to post this online, but i'm not sure if i'll be able to get on aim. i'll try and get up to date with all the blogs and livejournals and etc, and with my email, but i'm pretty sure i wont be able to get in touch with any of you at least till thursday and perhaps not a bit after that. i will get online between france and yorkshire. hopefully i'll be able to write a postcard or two from france, but we'll have to see : P. i guess i'd better get online and post this afore we leave to spend the night at my grandmother's house... the plane leaves at half six tomorrow morning, so we've got to be closer than a 2 hour drive to the airport, lol. write, fax, or email, i'll get it eventually!

au revoir, mon amis

Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 11:15pm GMT

well shite. (say that with a long 'i,' the Geordie (Jor-dee) way, please) And shite again. there are two things i really hate: change and decisions. well ok, not all change i hate. most i hate, but not all. and i guess i mostly hate life-changing decisions. especially the ones where i have to choose between parents, as i know one of them'll be after me for ages afterwards. well i'll elaborate on that situation in a bit... first i'll go over the good/regular stuff.

i know it's been a while since i last posted... sorry. i've been planning this post in my head as the days go by, but i've not really had the chance to write it down... so here we go!

Wednesday evening: my last post
Thursday morning: Flew from aberdeen to newcastle on little tiny 3-seat-wide propeller aeroplane. went to see grandmother.
Thursday afternoon: events which i shall detail below.
Thursday evening: drove to allendale to watch kenneth & twins perform in their school's summer concert, "60's and 70's." it was great! lol. there were kids up as the beatles.. abba.. mud... the teachers got up as the village people *thinks of drew in that hard hat*. kenneth played basil from 'fawlty towers,' a british comedy show i recommend you all to watch! it's hilarious. alice was a guitarist from a group i dont know... and heather was a guitarist from a group called 'mud' (note: not puddle of mudd) which did the hit song 'tiger feet.' you know.. the one that goes 'that's right, thet's right, that's right, that's right, i really love your tiger light. that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, i really love your tiger feet.' um... yea.. i donno if that ever made it in america... anyway, it was a good laugh. they had a guy who went up as mohammed ali, and i asked kenneth afterwards why they didnt get a black student to do it. his simple reply: 'well, we dont have any black people at our school.' there you go! heh. no minorities at all, actually, it's an all-white school. wouldnt that go down swimmingly in america? they'd prolly drag some poor minorities out of newcastle and tell them to drive 1 1/2 hours to get to school so that there could be 'diversity' at allendale primary. there was another great bit that'd cause commotion in america, too. three of the teachers got up and did a diana ross song. well... no black teacher to play diana, so they had this huge black doll-thing with a very stereotypical black-looking face painted on it. t'was very wrongly amusing. anyway, the evening went well, and smoothly, and overall it was great, i thought.
(ps - there's a reason why i keep saying 'black' as opposed to 'african-american' (apart from that i just think it's stupid, since i'm 'white' without any controversy)... i'm in BRTITAIN! heh)
Friday morning: kenneth and twins are still in school, so libby and i were alone with liz for the morning (dad was working, as usual). they've set up this thing that once a week they have some people from hexham come and do little classes and stuff in the old, no longer used, allenheads village schoolhouse becuase country women were decided to be 'deprived' or something (so liz tells me). so anyway, liz and libby went off to this circuit traning thing and i, being a lazy bum, went to some aromatherapy thing. it was great, i liked it. then the lazy gave each of us an arm massage so that was great, plus she taught us how, so now i can give out arm massages... yey? anyway... so yea that was cool.
Friday afternoon: we came back to the house and had lunch then liz and i set off for horseback riding at sinderhope pony trekking centre. it's just a little trekking place run by one of liz's friends, robert. it was good fun, as i got a lively, responsive horse called puzzle instead of the usual zombie ponies that i get when i go trekking that just follow the horse in front of it. we went along the road a bit, then climbed up across the moors and down back to the trekking centre. it was about an hour.
friday evening: met kenenth and twins off bus, ate tea, watched tv, bed.
Saturday: up early this morning to take the twins to ballet lessons. a long car ride to hexham while listening to 'mundain to bach ke' and the rest of 'now 54' and then the wait while they were doing their lessons. while waiting we went to safeway next door and got some lunch to eat as a picnic. we're weird in that we can go shopping just for lunch and come out with as much stuff as my mom and i come out with when we do a weeks shopping in america. well, there are 7 of us... anyway, we then set off. as usual, it seems like we drove randomly for about half an hour before arriving at a little place we we walked for a while, and came to a river with a little waterfall and some rocks where we sat down and ate lunch. yum. the twins stripped off and went wandering around in the water stark naked but modest i just rolled up my jeans : P. we then took off for a horribly long walk to this other waterfall, where we spent about 15 minutes before trudging back again. it was sticky-hot and none of us were dressed for it, so we were hot, tired, and my dad, sister, and i all headaches. plus we were getting hungry for tea. we stopped on a grassy knoll and i feel asleep (again) on my stomach, but didnt get sunburned this time. it was a nice nap though. i had a dream, but i dont really remember it. chris and drew were in it, i vaguely remember, and maybe some other people. the bad thing about getting everyone that exhausted is that everyone goes weird. my dad got really grumpy, kenneth grew irritable, the twins grew hyper and crazy, libby and i grew short-tempered, and even liz, who's never annoyed, got irritable. anwyay, we stopped at one place for tea but my dad didnt like the look of it (because they didnt ask him if they could help him when he went to order) and so we left, and went to another place. it was a good tea, i had mince and dumplings, though i described the dumpling (turned out to be just one) as 'a lump of overcooked cornbread.' i watched 'the weakest link' before toe food came, on the tv they had on. t'was funny because anne robinson was talking to some lady, jenny, about how all female hosts (save anne robinson, of course) were expected to wear revealing clothes on tv:
anne: so why didnt you wear a short skirt today?
jenny: well, i'm not playing on my looks and sexuality am i? i'm playing on my brains
anne: thats a pity, isnt it?
hahaahh! anyway, i then spent the time eating my tea and the time on the drive home making fun of a childrens tape we seem to listen to non-stop about some pots and pans in the kitchen and all the 'adventures' they have. episodes ending with the family getting a microwave and the pots being melted down to metal and made into a girder for the new parking lot down the road and such. heh. demented, but hilarious. you have to know the series, i guess. we drove home, got home about 8pm, and then the twins went to bed. kenneth watched a bit of 'addams family values' (funny, hehe) with libby and i, then he went to bed. then when it was over at 10:30 libby and i got sent to bed. i waited a while, then busted out the laptop to write this. now you're up to date!

before i forget, let me just mention a few things: going to france on monday, which will be tomorrow, as i'll be posting this on sunday. looks like my dad has banned laptops from the journey, so i'll try and keep blogs on my palm... and hope i can transfer them when i get back. i'll be returning to the cottage on thursday morning.
also.. can anyone have a lan at their house on the 30th, or the friday after that? i know it's weird to ask that.. but believe me.. you dun wanna have one at my house!! so get back to me if you think perhaps your house could do... thank yoU!!!

ok.. now down to the bit that i've just shoved out of my mind, cuz i dun wanna think about it right now...
i have always figured going to school over here or over there was simply a matter of location, pretty much. sure, quality would vary, etc etc, but overall it'd be the same, right? BIG FREAKING WRONG. i only found this out on tuesday. see, i have the opportunity now before me to be a fully-fledged PhD doctor at the same time most 2003 graduates are finishing their masters degree (6 years)... or even before that... (5 years). see, deal is, here you get out of 'highschool' with your A-level exams, and go straight to medical school for 5 years of training, or 4 years accelerated training. graduate with a PhD. here are the options:

Option 1: drop out of highschool, get a GED. essentially, not come back to america, really. come back on 29th, pack my stuff, and ship it to the uk. no senior year. get three at-home courses: biology, chemistry, and physics, and spend the year studying those in order to get three As on the british A-level exams. go to newcastle university, take the 5 or 4-year course, get a PhD, and either become a doctor or study computer stuff for a while and see what i want to do.

Option 2: return as planned, have my senior year. instead of going to college after graduation, go to britain and take a 'break year' where i simply study fof A-levels and sit around. then go to university, get PhD, etc as said above.

Option 3: return to america, graduate, go to college in america for four years, studying computer and medical stuff, go to medical school for four years (if this is the path i choose) and get a PhD. go off and get a life.

i feel like i've been handed a great opportunity. i know that loads of people would simply jump at the chance. i feel like i'm the wrong person to have this, cuz i'm not the person who says 'yea! what a learning experience! school in the uk and a PhD in 5 years, whoo!'... i'm the one who says 'wait.. if i come over here then i'll be far away from my friends and i'll be dropped into the environment i'm a stranger too, and exposed to ways of life i'm not familiar with nor being preparing myself for.' chicken? maybe. messed up values? probably. maybe you can blame it all on traumatic divorce, and a lost teen looking for some stability in a world that keeps on changing so much and so fast. i feel almost obligated to take this opportunity. i know it'll be better, or at least, it should be, in the long run. how much weight do you put on personal values and how much on educational/future-benfit stuff? i'm not going to let the locations of friends completely decide for me where i go to school, but it's also being put into a situation that i'm not sure i'm comfortable with. being so close to my dad he can tell me to come visit anytime, being literally round the corner from my grandmother. i'd be closer to the twins and kenneth.. but that's about the only good thing. i feel isolated over here. why, i'm not really sure. for some reason, the aspect of going to college in america, even far away from everyone i know over there, is much more appealing in my mind. perhaps just because i know the social structure there, and how thing generally work. how i could make friends who dont just want to get drunk, get high, and have sex. sure, i'm sure i could fins some here, too, but it'd be harder, if university is anything like 'highschool' (i put that in quotes cuz i cant recall what the last school before college is called over here). i'm american and i'm british. i dont fit in perfectly in either place, i'm just special like that. sometimes it bugs me a lot, but i've at least found a niche in america. i've spend more time in this system, i understand it better. sure, i get teased for saying something funny, or i'll yadder on for ages before realising that whatever i'm talking about doesnt exist over in america and noone has the slightest clue what i'm on about, but i've still found a little place. i've spent much less time over here, and never really have felt around other kids here that i'm accepted, at least. i cant really explain very well at all why in my mind i so strongly want to stay in america for college, but i'm begging you guys for advice. this is a huge battle between education and personal wellfare.. and i really dont know what do to. i'm 99.9% certain option one is out of the question.. for one thing i think my mom'd go berserk, plus, it's just too short notice... too sudden and not enough time to think properly. my dad's pushing it.. but no. so what of the other two?? please you guys, i know commenting on my site is a traumatic experience somehow, but i really need some advice.......

*sigh* that's it for tonight.. i'm really tired now. maybe i'll add somemore when i post this tomorrow. if not, then i'll see you all when i return from france, cuz i'll post afore i go off to yorkshire on holiday. i'm not sure what the internet situation will be there, but i'll be taking my laptop either way *growls at father*. then it's back to USA... *phew* i'm exhausted just thinking of it...

*salutes* adieu, mon chers amis. (is that right?)

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

I'M SUNBURNT. i'm more sunburnt than i've been the whole time i was in arlington, texas, USA. THIS IS STRANGE. getting sunburnt in aberdeen, scotland, the 'grey city,' is like getting frostbite in texas. see, this morning i got up, got online, talked to people & had good laughs, and then my dad came home from work and he, libby, and i packed a picnic lunch and went off to balmedie beach since it was glorious weather for aberdeen. aberdeen is known as the 'grey city' because everything is grey. the buildings are all granite, the skies are all grey, the sea is grey. so today's blue sky and sun is a once-a-year thing. we went down to balmedie, which is surrounded by huge great sand dunes, and set down our lunches, and walked around among the dunes. we walked for a long time, and by the time we got back we were hungry and tired. so we sat down and ate our lunches. then... i lay down on my stomach for a second. then i was asleep. then i burned. badly. it isnt even a normal burn. see, i was wearing capris and a baby-doll t-shirt, and as i mentioned before, i was laying on my stomach. so the back 2/3 of my lower legs is burned, as well as the back of the tops of my arms up to my lovely farmers-tan t-shirt lines. luckily my hair fell over my face so i dont have one side of my face all red and burned. both sides are, from when we were walking, i guess. my part is sunburned too... oh well. life goes on.
anyway, it was a great day at the beach. i picked up some seashells for you, alé, as requested, and some sea glass too.. yey! it was a day like none you see in aberdeen, by normal laws. far too hot and far to beautiful. i paddled in the sea a bit, though it's freezing. i saw two fcuk shirts today.. one said 'fcuk fashion' and one said 'too busy to fcuk'... hehe! then i wandered around the dunes and took pictures and whatnot. i got some good ones, i think. the dunes on the beach are so huge you almost feel like you're in some desert place... definately not that you're in bonny scotland! lol
after balmedie beach we went to cadonas.. the amusement park/arcade/and mini-casino on the aberdeen beach (not balmedie) front. my dad bought us ice cream and i had an old british favorite, a 99. that's vanilla ice cream in a cone with a chocolate flake sticking out of it.. here's a picture of one that's mass produced by cadburys, though the ones we had on the beach are ice cream, cone, and flake put together there, not an all-in-one package:

here's a pic of balmedie beach:

after finishing our ice creams we went into the arcade to bet some 2ps on the gambling and mess around a bit. lo and behold we met our old friend melissa working behind the counter cashing in tickets and things. her work was almost over so we met her after and our dad bought us wristbands to go on the rides at Cadonas Amusement park which is attached to the gambling place and arcade right there on the beachfront. it's nothing compared to six flags but they have got things like the waltzers, which i think is one of the best rides ever, if not one of the oldest and simplest out there. then we got picked up by our dad, melissa went home (she lives two doors down) and we had tea. it was just leftovers, whatever was in the house. then we watched 'are you being served', 'fools and horses', and 'waking the dead' (part 2). it was great. i'm all sunburned though.

if i wasnt dead with sleep-loss i'd post some of the pictures, but you'll all have to wait, i'm sorry! lol. anyway. tomorrow i head back down to england, so i wont be online much.. no more late night chats.. *sigh*. then on monday to france... i'm not sure if my dad will even let me take my laptop. on thursday, back at the cottage. the week after we go on holiday, and i'm not sure what the net situation will be like. tuesday after tthat.. i'm back! yey! so if i'm online, seize the opportunity! lol anyway.. i'm exhausted.. off to bed with me : P


Tuesday, July 08, 2003

for once i feel too lazy to post. but i'm bored and either no one is talking back or everyone who does talk to me is gone. so i guess i will post.
let's see.. what happened today? i meant to wake up at 8:20 and get online and talk to you lot (that's 2:30am your time), but when i got offline last night it was cuz i only had 30 minutes left on the internet account i was using before i ran out of money. so i decided it wasnt worth the effort and turned my alarm off. as i drifted off back to sleep i thought 'i should reset that to 9' but i didnt. so yea, i overslept. i was supposed to get up at 9 and get dressed, etc, and set off to town with my sister by 10, but i woke up at 11:20 instead. luckily i'm cool and super-speedy so we were off at 11:40. we wandered around town for a long time, had lunch, and i got presents for lots of people i've told i'll get presents for. i got this awesome shirt for myself, too... a black baby-doll tshirt from French Connection United Kingdom or FCUK (heh......). it says 'fcuk on the beach' on the front in white writing. it's awesome, hehe. and no.. i'm not going to tell anyone what their present is unless they specifically requested something in which case they know what it is already. unless i decided to get you something else. anyway, around 3:30 we headed home and watched tv till my dad got in. then we headed to PC World to look at laptops.. heh. i think my dad's having second thoughts. i dont care though, i'll see how it plays out. if i get one, fine, if not, fine. we didnt get one.. he said none of them were top-of-the-line enough... and i must agree... they didnt have a very good selection. we headed off and went to pizza hut for dinner. then we went by asda and got groceries and stuff for our picnic lunch tomorrow. tomorrow we're going to balmedie beach in the late morning/early afternoon you see, and having a picnic lunch there. then we're going to the amusement park-place by the aberdeen beach. it should be something nice, anyway. i enjoy being on the beach. after picking up our grocery stuff we watched 'waking the dead' and 'csi' (hehe, american tv).
in town i was being crazy. i kept answering my sister's conversation with 'Welcome to windows, bitch. I'm a giant talking paperclip and you have 30 days to register before i fucking eat you!'. and then saying randomly 'i'm going to fucking eat you!' she's just too used to me though so she didnt really have much of a reaction. so i started charging across roads and narrowly missing get run over instead. why? i donno. just crazy today i guess ; ) . i'm a complete idiot over here, seriously. i just go around acting stupid and doing whatever comes to mind. the other day i was dancing literally up and down the beach in the shallow water. t'was fun : P . i dont know anyone here anyway so it doesnt matter who sees and who cares. they can think me crazy all they want! lol.
so after CSI i came to my room and remembered my internet dilemma. i'd picked up a 'free internet' cd in town, but when i tried to install it it wouldnt work. it just kept trying to connect via some number i had that was american.. um... no thanks! so i had half an hour to get online, find a free british internet software, register, get my password and stuff via email, and then d/l the software. it was a race against time and i didnt like it. stressful. i was afraid i wouldnt be able to finish d/l'ing before the net cut out!! luckily i did. so it's all good.
This is my new free internet service, that should keep me online till i go to france..... i'll have to d/l something else, then:

schedule re-run:
thursday morn - fly to newcastle from aberdeen
thursday afternoon - visit newcastle university medical dept and go to john lewis to look at laptops
thursday evening - see summer concert with brother and little sisters performing
friday - take train to newcastle from the cottage and go into the metrocentre
saturday - ?
sunday - ?
monday morning - leave for paris from newcastle(happy b-day cam! happy bastille day everyone else!)
tuesday - ?
wenesday - ?
thursday morning - leave for newcastle from paris
sometime this next week we go on holiday.
monday 28th - my birthday! fax me!
tuesday 29th - i come back! meet me at the airport! BA.. the only flight coming in from London Gatwick (LGW)
wenesday 30th - lan party

wow.. that makes time seem so short! i'm glad. i think i should sleep now, as it's up at 8 tomorrow. i'll be online, then, too, so if you're online at 2am your time, look for me! hehe

*bows* sleep well, mon amis!

Monday, July 07, 2003

first i'm going to get this off my chest, since i've been thinking about it all day:
on the plane up from newcastle this morning i was sitting there, thinking about america, and my friends, and what was going on over there now, and what we were going to do when i got back and what would happen when a lot of you run away and school starts, and etc., and i was thinking to myself all this exciting stuff... and then it all starts breaking down, once again. i dont know. probably it is all just a side effect of being over here, and by all laws set up in my head, i shouldnt even be posting this, cuz i'm emma, who's happy, and hyper, and bubbly and bouncy an' shit, and just inhumanly crazy. i dont know. maybe i caught it from nick. for now, in the heart... or actually, on the edge.. of britain i find myself looking for some reason to go on. for the last.. 6 days now? i've been powering myself on with thoughts of returning to see you guys, but more and more that's just not cutting it. so i supplemented that with 'oh maybe a new laptop' and 'get to get online when we go to aberdeen'. but i dont need a new laptop and i know it. i just want something else to look forwards to after a day of doing whatever with my family over here. something to fiddle with and admire to give me a reason to make it through the day. and as for getting online.. here i am. all it's done is made me more depressed, as i sit and read people's blogs and talk to people who half-listen. i need some reason to get to tomorrow. in america i'ts easy enough to find reasons to go on.. i plan lans and go on trips to burger lake or go see movies or whatever crazy crap i cook up in my head. then i have distraction, purpose, friends, fun... everything valuable. now i'm in england i'm struggling to float, knowing i'll stay afloat, but wondering loudly and obnoxiously (as is protocol) why i'm staying afloat. i think a lot of it has to do with just not being in touch with people. i feel trapped inside my own head. i depend too much on talking to you guys, my friends. is that bad? i dont know. often times i dont mind being over here so much, really. my dad's being decent, i do like england, i've got the cool accent, i'm being active and enjoying my siblings... but i still find myself constantly planning for my next post in my head. dependant, or something like it, i'm sure. i'm sure it's not healthy and i should get over it, and all that healthy stuff. i used to do fine by myself.. thrive by myself.. what happened? i can only make guesses. sure, i'm people-dependant now, but i do get on ok by myself. when within the us i do fine. i guess a)the length of time and b)the distance both get to me. anyway, was being such a complete loner that i had two friends so wonderful? now i have more than i ever have. so why do i feel so lonely? just cuz i'm over here? i donno. so many times today i've gotten excited... then stopped to think about what i'm so excited about.. what i'm so looking forwards to happen, and there's nothing. my brain is just getting me excited and making me think there's some reason i'm looking forward, when really there's not. i guess if i look at it, this feeling's been with me for a while. it's only surfacing so strongly now because it's so easy in america for me to distract myself with friends and activities, whereas over here it's so easy to have, as i've said many times before, so much time to think. i used to have goals and stuff, and things i was looking forwards too, but now they fade more and more. some of them i've realised are worthless, some of them i've realised are just dreams, some of them are unrealistic, some of them i've lost interest in. some are just too far away to seem real, or to really work towards. i dont know. i really dont. i guess i'll just continue going in circles and trying to find something to put value in and work towards that close enough to be reachable soon and dear enough to me that i dont just not care. give me something to dream about in the long car rides.

so anyway, we flew into aberdeen this morning.
then my sister and i took our bikes and went to visit mrs taylor @ the hamilton school, where we went when we were little, and said hi
we rode down to duthie and watched some sing-thing and ate ice cream
we went home and watched music videos on sky for too long
dad came home, we had tea, and went to the beach, where i paddled in the 12o C north sea till my feet were numb. wise? unwise? i donno, but i've been doing it for as long as i can remember so it's not going to hurt me now! then we came home and watched tv for a long time.. thats about it.

and, sorry, couldnt resist... it's tripp's back in a few years:


i'm sorry about the rant that's so un-typically emmaish. there was a hella lot more was going to talk about, but somebody distracted me so i lost my train of thought and now i'm too tired to argue more.. i'm succuming to sleep and stopping my endless paddle to stay afloat for a while... i'll be on tomorrow night, and probably tomorrow morning.


Sunday, July 06, 2003

i woke up after having a horrible dream this morning. it had all you guys in it.. it was so horrible i was still thinking about it after my shower and breakfast.. *shudders* lord i hope i never have any more dreams like that or i'll have to go drown myself in the stream or something.
anyway, my dad woke me up at 10:10 and started asking me computer questions so i'm half asleep mumbling trying to get my brain straight to answer these questions trying desperately to remember things and orders of things... blah! heh. then i washed my hair. my sister'd used up all the hot water so i had to use the electric heater which zaps the water right there in the shower before it comes out the showerhead. that means we have two showerheads and controllerthings in our showers.. hehe. but we have to have it cuz.. well..! seven people! heh.
anyway, my dad's been weird. he's all like 'emma your laptop weighs a ton!' so i tell him 'well, if you want to buy me a new one i wont object!' i was joking, of course. but my dad, well.. he thinks like that so he says 'well, ok, let's look at laptops in aberdeen'... heh! so anyway we'll see if that comes of anything. he might have been just being strange. then later yesterday i was looking at the specs of the new 5-model BMW he's gonna get, with all the upfitting and stuff and he mentioned me getting a used mini cooper.. so hey. i wont say no that either. unlike my mom and the prom dress, if he's dead set on it i wont be objecting! lol
we went to kilhope lead mines today and went down the mine shaft in our boots and hardhats and little flashlight things. it was very cool, but very cold. then we came home and had tea (dinner) and watched some dr.who since my little bro really likes that. tomorrow our flight leaves for aberdeen at 10, so it's up early for us.
once there, i should be able to get online a bit more.. i'll try and get online at about 2am tomorrow.. thats 8pm your time. hopefully a few more of you will be online then..?? hopefully. i have so little way of getting in touch with you guys to find out when you do get online. *sigh* maybe i can get up early some morning at like 7 or so.. that'd be 1am where you are hehe.. maybe you'd be on then : P
the hardest thing here, like i said before, is having too much time to think. and it's hard to find happy things to think about, too. even things that should be happy, like seeing you guys again, are shadowed by things like it being so long till i come back, and you lot leaving so soon after i come back.. *sigh*... other issues kinda are bittersweet. i cant really find much overall happy to look forwards too. it's hard being far away. i know i'm not forgotten, but i feel so out of touch sometimes i cant help but think i am.
it's depressing, sometimes, cuz i do this fun stuff and i start planning without thinking bringing all of you here to do it all too, but then i remember.. *sigh*. that's just not gonna happen.. costs too much to get over here. but hey. i'll keep my dreams flickering in the back of my head, you never know when you're older : P !

so anyway, going to aberdeen tomorrow is making me feel a little better. i'll get to see one of my 'babies', my bike, and go shopping in town for a FCUK (HAHAHAH) shirt and stuff to bring back for those who requested it. maybe get a laptop, too. that wouldnt be bad to throw in, hehe. also i'll be able to get online more since i'll be in my own room on a floor seperate from my dad. (i'm on 3rd he's on 2nd).

i guess i should be off to bed, as my flight leaves early tomorrow. if any of you have made it this far down i congratulate you! heheh. my dad's computer wont allow me to see my own blog right now.. so if you post a comment, i cant see it. i know you arent, tho ; P so i wont fret about it : ).
WAIT! it just let me see my blog! i am loved! i got a comment! heheheheh *dances* that just made my..... evening. : P

well.. off to beddy-bye with me.. g'night, folks!

*bows and hugs everyone*

Saturday, July 05, 2003

i just deleted a huge long post. and so this will be the third time i write a post. actually, blogger 'saved' the post. but how the hell do i 'open' it...? if you know, help me out.. please..!
the first time i wrote this post is on my palm. now it wont upload to my laptop, leaving me to rewrite everything till i get it working. THIS SUCKS.

anyway. we flew over business class and things are ok here. this is the first time i've gotten online and i dont know when i'll be on again.. i'd get on late but that's like.. 4am to me.. so yea... no.

i really miss you guys. i've scanned the blogs, but i dont have time to absorb much. things are ok over here... cool air and seeing my sisters and brother again.. they grow so fast! they've got a new addition, Rex, the golden retreiver. he's a sweetheart though we've decided he's..... not all there upstairs (crazy). but he's sweet and hilarious otherwise.

the plan is this:
monday (7th) go to aberdeen
thursday fly back to cottage
monday (14th) fly to france
thursday fly back to cottage
sometime this week leave for a holiday for a week and then return
tuesday (29th) return to america
wednesday (30th) have party (i need feedback if anyone can hold this at their place or whatever, and if i should wait till the friday)

aroon.. i got your message just afore i got off aim on my phone.. thanks for remembering me! hehe.. btw.. remember, my phone doesnt work over here! so dont bother calling.. fax me instead! (scroll down for info)

the bad thing about being over here is.. i have too much time to think.. not regressive thoughts, just bad 'grr i'm so angry and there's nothing i can do about it!' thoughts. they suck. they make you feel so powerless, as if i didnt feel powerless enough. *sigh* i look forward much to coming back.. though i'm still sad that many of you's are going to college and far away so i wont see you!! *cries*

*pats everyone on the head in the usual emma fashion* no emails yet.. send some! ; P i really do miss you guys.. often i think 'wow __ would like that' or 'i wish __ could see that!' heh.. i'm still lookin out for the little things you guys wanted me to buy.. so i'll try and buy them and bring them back! no requests for money, so heh.

well.. sister is begging me for a go on the comp.. i'll try and get on now tomorrow, or at least when we get to aberdeen.. i should be able to get on more then. appreciating any contact...! : P

love you all.. you're awesome! heh


Wednesday, July 02, 2003

hey aroon.... do i get a link on your blog now..? member you said you would..!!

this song is cool:

DJ Sammy - Boys of Summer

"Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home

But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone"

and no thats not aimed at anyone so stop thinking into things you honors people : P

here i am.. so close to leaving.. i really really dont want to leave... *sigh*

i will miss you guys so much.. i really will. i will try and write as much as i can, and post on my blog, and send email. probably the thing i will do most is post on my blog. see.. i can get online for maybe like 3 seconds to copy/paste and post and it wont be noticeable really. gettingonline to chat is much more noticeable.
what they need is more wireless networks in britain

but i shall write a lot.. i promise.

*sigh* think of me, mon amis.. i shall return, you know the schedule.. if you want to come greet me at the airport by all means go right ahead..!! you can go to dfw airport website and find out the gate and stuff. then just show up.. or talk to my mom, she'll know. whee!... but i wont get my hopes up lol.

and so i'll post these last lyrics..

Robbie Williams - Feel

"Robbie Williams - Feel lyrics
Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I’ve been given

I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don’t understand

I just want to feel real love
In the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste

I don’t want to die
But I ain’t keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I’m preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That’s why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming

I just want to feel real love
In the home that I live in
There’s a hole in my soul
Can’t you see it in my face
Of real disgrace
I need to feel real love
And a life ever after
I feel like givin' up

I just want to feel real love
In the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
Going to waste

I just want to feel real love
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul
Can’t you see it in my face
It’s a real disgrace

Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I’ve been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand"

not sure what they have to do with anything it just came on on my stereo so there you go.

now i just found this song.. and it makes just scary sense. so here you go, my leaving song:

The Brilliant Green - September Rain

"I'm going away
It's not that I want to
It's just time to go
I swear that I'll be back soon
Before falling leaves

The wind's blowin' change
It's my turn to follow
I won't forget you
Yes, I hope you know
I never would
No, I never could if I tried
When autumn skys return
I'll come home and give you everything
Then we can cry...

* September rain
I'll be there with you
Yes, I'm sorry, don't worry, good-bye
September days
No sighs and no sad tomorrow
Home in September rain

Noise on the phone
When you coming home?
I'll be home
When the colors are turning

Yellow, brown and red
We'll be sitting warm
In the fire light
Shadows will grow
As we watch the coals in the dark
Tears of bliss, September
Till that day
All my love safe for you
Coming home again

September bliss isn't far
Things will return as they were
Till that day
All my love safe for you
Coming home again

I'll come home to you
Yes, I'm sorry, don't worry, good-bye
September days
No sighs and no sad tomorrow
Home in September rain"

until the next post, mon amis.. *bows deeply* *salutes*
I'm an apparently intelligent, liberal, tight as fuck, relatively well adjusted human being!
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

that makes me 80% compatible with aroon and 90% compatible with tripp. 100% compatible with myself, and 75% compatible with soph. i'm glad i'm compatible with myself.

i am also...

same as aroon. humph.
"i will miss you all more than i can put into words. never have i had so many people who i'll miss so much, and so many people i'm so close to.

a special thank you: to my three girls, katie, kathy, and emily, who've always hung with me through thick and thin. to alé, who's offered me support and advice when i needed it, and given me the happy side when i'm too sad to see it. to bry, for believing in me and cheering me up when i'm down. to bob (nick) for being nick. to drew, for helping me through hard times and teaching me to believe in myself again. to tripp, for inspiring me to be happy and weird again. to tri, for forcing me to have a good time. to mel, who just knows things. to fynn, who listens.

and to those who have trusted and confided in me, reminding me i'm worth something. " -- my away message for the last night.

here's my schedule: (departing/arriving times are in the timezone of whereever you are departing and arriving at. ex: when flying DFW (dallas-forth worth) to LGW (london gatwick) i depart at 4:30pm USA central time and arrive at 7:35am GMT time. NUT = newcastle upon tyne)

From/To Flight # Departing Arriving
DFW --> LGW BA2192 2 July, 4:30pm 3 July, 7:35am
LGW --> NUT BA8075 3 July, 11:35am 3 July, 12:55pm

NUT --> LGW BA8070 29 July, 6:50am 29 July, 8:15am
LGW --> DFW BA2193 29 July, 10:30am 29 July 2:30pm

so yes.. hopefully.. 27 days later after i leave, you wont all be zombies. i am exhuasted now.. i really will miss you guys so much... i will. you guys are my nearest and dearest!